Monday 23.11.2009
As one door closes, another one opens. Such is the case with my blog.... this break up/pregnancy blog has come to an end now that i've started my new blog for my journey as a single mum to 2 kidlets :)
So click here to head on over peoples!!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
38wk u/s
Monday 05.10.09
So i finally had my "term" scan today to check Xavier's size. Remember he measured about 6lb 6oz @ 34wks. Well i figured he would be at least 8lb at today scan..... i came out shocked.
I dont know the exact measurements of his head, tummy etc but will get the cd of pics tomorrow and will post pics and meaurments then. All she told me was that "his head and tummy measurements are completely off the chart now" and his estimated weight now is 9lb 8oz or 4.2kg (+/-420g).
So the "evil" dr told me 2wks ago that they wont even consider a c section unless he's going to be over 4.5kg - now i wonder if they'll make up their bloody minds!! Im only booked in to see the midwife tomorrow, so will ask about possibly being squeezed into seeing the dr on Thursday - otherwise i'll have to wait til next week when i'm only 6 days shy of my due date to see the dr and get a definite decision!
More waiting still lol and i'm thinking they've cut it a bit fine to be making decisions now.
So i finally had my "term" scan today to check Xavier's size. Remember he measured about 6lb 6oz @ 34wks. Well i figured he would be at least 8lb at today scan..... i came out shocked.
I dont know the exact measurements of his head, tummy etc but will get the cd of pics tomorrow and will post pics and meaurments then. All she told me was that "his head and tummy measurements are completely off the chart now" and his estimated weight now is 9lb 8oz or 4.2kg (+/-420g).
So the "evil" dr told me 2wks ago that they wont even consider a c section unless he's going to be over 4.5kg - now i wonder if they'll make up their bloody minds!! Im only booked in to see the midwife tomorrow, so will ask about possibly being squeezed into seeing the dr on Thursday - otherwise i'll have to wait til next week when i'm only 6 days shy of my due date to see the dr and get a definite decision!
More waiting still lol and i'm thinking they've cut it a bit fine to be making decisions now.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Still waiting...
Friday 02.10.09
It's October already!! I have no idea where the past 8+mths have flown, but life sure has come a long way. In January i didnt think i'd be single again, let alone pregnant. Now i've overcome the heartache of James leaving (and in all honesty, he did me a big favour by leaving!) and i'm only a couple wks away from being due to have this beautiful baby growing inside of me. I'm feeling huge of course, and can't wait to fit into all my old clothes again and start losing all this excess weight i'm carrying.... but i dont think i'm quite ready for this pregnancy to be over at the same time.
The drs at Antenatal clinic are evil and don't seem to care the slightest about my worries of having a big baby etc. I came home from an appt nearly 2wks ago and just cried. The female dr i saw was just nasty and not the least bit sympathetic at all. I sure hope i never have to see her again lol. After making a complaint about the way she treated and spoke to me, i vented my frustrations and anger to the girls on my Due in October message board and the wonderful Australian lady i've formed a friendship with ordered and sent me the book "Supernatural Childbirth"..... OMG this book is incredible!!
Once i started the book i couldn't put it down. 2hrs after first opening the book i had read the entire thing and even highlighted all the parts i want to remember and re-read while i'm in labour. It's completely changed the way i've been thinking and viewing this whole pregnancy and birth. Now instead of being fearful and worried, i'm excited and eagerly awaiting the birth. I can't wait for it to happen and to just let God take control of the situation and help this baby arrive safe and sound.
I have another ultrasound on Monday to check Xavier's size again and see just how big he is at "full term". I'm curious to see how big he's gotten in the past 4wks since the last scan. It'll be my last chance to get a peek at him before he arrives, so it will be nice. Plus i'll be more prepared for how big he may be (tho they can be out by as much as 400g or so - either more or less than bub really is). I can't believe i'm down to the last few wks of being pregnant, so i'm trying to enjoy it as much as i can before its all over with. Soon it wont just be me and Kailee - there's going to be another little person in the house :D
I'm still in shock that by the time this month ends, i'm gonna be mummy to 2 kids, not just 1. I'll be back in the land of nappy changing, breastfeeding, baby spew, crying, sleepless nites - and i'm looking forward to it. Kailee is getting excited and can't wait for her baby brother to be here and tells me each day all the little things she'll teach him and do with him. She'll definitely make a wonderful big sister - i cant wait to get pics of them both :)
I'll update again after my scan next week and my antenatal appt (since they're weekly now).... xxx
It's October already!! I have no idea where the past 8+mths have flown, but life sure has come a long way. In January i didnt think i'd be single again, let alone pregnant. Now i've overcome the heartache of James leaving (and in all honesty, he did me a big favour by leaving!) and i'm only a couple wks away from being due to have this beautiful baby growing inside of me. I'm feeling huge of course, and can't wait to fit into all my old clothes again and start losing all this excess weight i'm carrying.... but i dont think i'm quite ready for this pregnancy to be over at the same time.
The drs at Antenatal clinic are evil and don't seem to care the slightest about my worries of having a big baby etc. I came home from an appt nearly 2wks ago and just cried. The female dr i saw was just nasty and not the least bit sympathetic at all. I sure hope i never have to see her again lol. After making a complaint about the way she treated and spoke to me, i vented my frustrations and anger to the girls on my Due in October message board and the wonderful Australian lady i've formed a friendship with ordered and sent me the book "Supernatural Childbirth"..... OMG this book is incredible!!
Once i started the book i couldn't put it down. 2hrs after first opening the book i had read the entire thing and even highlighted all the parts i want to remember and re-read while i'm in labour. It's completely changed the way i've been thinking and viewing this whole pregnancy and birth. Now instead of being fearful and worried, i'm excited and eagerly awaiting the birth. I can't wait for it to happen and to just let God take control of the situation and help this baby arrive safe and sound.
I have another ultrasound on Monday to check Xavier's size again and see just how big he is at "full term". I'm curious to see how big he's gotten in the past 4wks since the last scan. It'll be my last chance to get a peek at him before he arrives, so it will be nice. Plus i'll be more prepared for how big he may be (tho they can be out by as much as 400g or so - either more or less than bub really is). I can't believe i'm down to the last few wks of being pregnant, so i'm trying to enjoy it as much as i can before its all over with. Soon it wont just be me and Kailee - there's going to be another little person in the house :D
I'm still in shock that by the time this month ends, i'm gonna be mummy to 2 kids, not just 1. I'll be back in the land of nappy changing, breastfeeding, baby spew, crying, sleepless nites - and i'm looking forward to it. Kailee is getting excited and can't wait for her baby brother to be here and tells me each day all the little things she'll teach him and do with him. She'll definitely make a wonderful big sister - i cant wait to get pics of them both :)
I'll update again after my scan next week and my antenatal appt (since they're weekly now).... xxx
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Some doctors are morons *sigh*
Tuesday 08.09.09
So i had my 34wk ultrasound yesterday and it was so cute watching my little man rolling around and wiggling the whole time. He sure does love to move :) We double checked the sex and there's no denying it - all boy!! Now, the main reason for the scan was to see just how big he is measuring already..... whoa! For overall weight, about 6lb 6oz already. Wat have i been feeding this child!?! His head circumference is already 33.55cm (measuring 39wk) and his tummy is measuring 36wk. Both are in the 95th percentile for the growth charts. I'm freaking out, as i still have 6wks til he's due to come out...... i'm possibly looking at a 10lb baby *shocked!!*
Antenatal was this morning and i was met by another dr - different once to last appt. This lady was nowhere near as understanding or caring as the last dr i saw. She just kinda looked at me and was so completely ignorant. Told me that i may not tear at all with this baby, cuz 2nd births are usually easier.... where the heck is the logic in that?? Have a rough birth with a baby less than 8lbs (Kailee was 7lb 13oz at 10days overdue), and an easy birth with a 10lb baby.... yeh right! I now have to wait another 2 wks to go back and get a request for yet another scan to check X's size again. So another 3wks before i can get any definite answers. I wish they would just agree to be cautious and just do the c section or induce me early. Instead, i've gotta wait and see. The longer i wait the more i freak out about how bad it was last time for nearly 2mths AFTER the birth.
In the meantime, til i get some answers, i'm trying to remain positive and pray and trust God has His hand on this situation. My beautiful son will be here before i know it, and although i may have a rough recovery afterward (or i may not - depending on what the dr decides in 3wks) i'll be more focused on my wonderful children, hopefully lol Til then im enjoying the kicks and rolling around that Xavier does while hes still got room in there :) Soon he'll be in my arms, and i'll miss being pregnant. Ironic isn't it , how we miss wat we no longer have.... Kailee is already asking when i will go to hospital and get her baby brother out. She's so cute and can't wait to help change nappies, push him in the pram and hold him. Wat a gorgeous big sister she'll be :D
Well, here's to waiting another few weeks..... i should really keep myself busy finishing off the nursery area and buying Kailee's present from the baby :) Oh and of course there's always housework to be done *ugh*.... In the meantime, here's a cute pic we got yesterday of X's face (u can see his nose, lips and chin), its just precious...
So i had my 34wk ultrasound yesterday and it was so cute watching my little man rolling around and wiggling the whole time. He sure does love to move :) We double checked the sex and there's no denying it - all boy!! Now, the main reason for the scan was to see just how big he is measuring already..... whoa! For overall weight, about 6lb 6oz already. Wat have i been feeding this child!?! His head circumference is already 33.55cm (measuring 39wk) and his tummy is measuring 36wk. Both are in the 95th percentile for the growth charts. I'm freaking out, as i still have 6wks til he's due to come out...... i'm possibly looking at a 10lb baby *shocked!!*
Antenatal was this morning and i was met by another dr - different once to last appt. This lady was nowhere near as understanding or caring as the last dr i saw. She just kinda looked at me and was so completely ignorant. Told me that i may not tear at all with this baby, cuz 2nd births are usually easier.... where the heck is the logic in that?? Have a rough birth with a baby less than 8lbs (Kailee was 7lb 13oz at 10days overdue), and an easy birth with a 10lb baby.... yeh right! I now have to wait another 2 wks to go back and get a request for yet another scan to check X's size again. So another 3wks before i can get any definite answers. I wish they would just agree to be cautious and just do the c section or induce me early. Instead, i've gotta wait and see. The longer i wait the more i freak out about how bad it was last time for nearly 2mths AFTER the birth.
In the meantime, til i get some answers, i'm trying to remain positive and pray and trust God has His hand on this situation. My beautiful son will be here before i know it, and although i may have a rough recovery afterward (or i may not - depending on what the dr decides in 3wks) i'll be more focused on my wonderful children, hopefully lol Til then im enjoying the kicks and rolling around that Xavier does while hes still got room in there :) Soon he'll be in my arms, and i'll miss being pregnant. Ironic isn't it , how we miss wat we no longer have.... Kailee is already asking when i will go to hospital and get her baby brother out. She's so cute and can't wait to help change nappies, push him in the pram and hold him. Wat a gorgeous big sister she'll be :D
Well, here's to waiting another few weeks..... i should really keep myself busy finishing off the nursery area and buying Kailee's present from the baby :) Oh and of course there's always housework to be done *ugh*.... In the meantime, here's a cute pic we got yesterday of X's face (u can see his nose, lips and chin), its just precious...
Monday, August 31, 2009
Time drags on *sigh*
Tuesday 01.09.09
So we're nearing the end of this life-forming journey... and the weeks are just dragging on ever so slowly. The first 7mths just seemed to have flown and was gone without even blinking... now it's like watching paint dry. Maybe its got something to do with me feeling so uncomfortable and sore. X likes to dig under my ribs and make himself all nice and cosy in there - it certainly isnt cosy for me :( The pressure of his head makes it hard to walk and my stomach is enormous i can barely get near the sink to wash dishes. I look freaking huge! Esp since i'm only 5ft 1, so my belly can only grow out lol Now sleeping... what the heck is that? I'm awake every hour or so, just to move my body pillow and roll over, its such a task lol
I finally got to see the Dr last week and discuss my concerns about having a big baby naturally and tearing again as badly (or worse) like when i had Kailee. Thankfully she was understanding and has ordered an ultrasound to check how big this little man is already, and then discuss my options for birth - natural or c section. Either way, i keep reminding myself he's going to get out one way or another, whether i push him out or he gets cut out. He can't live in my tummy forever, thank goodness :) So i can't wait for my ultrasound on Monday (7th Sept) to get a peek at my little man again, and see how he's growing. I'll also ask for them to double check the sex - tho i'm pretty darn sure its a boy (based on my 19wk u/s, dream i had at the beginning of my pregnancy, timing of sex in relation to ovulation etc).
Kailee is getting so excited about meeting her little brother. She's already pushing her dolls around in his pram, wrapping them in his little baby blankets :) Tonite she was even singing nursery rhymes to X in my belly, and he was kicking - which she got to see, it was adorable!!But, until next time.... i'm off to bed to try and sleep. My folks are moving house this week, so i'm gonna help pack stuff and keep mum company while she does the hard work :) I'll post updates after i've had my scan and spoken to the dr next week - i can't wait!!
As a parting gift - here's my belly pic taken last week @ 32wks. Can u say HUGE?!?
So we're nearing the end of this life-forming journey... and the weeks are just dragging on ever so slowly. The first 7mths just seemed to have flown and was gone without even blinking... now it's like watching paint dry. Maybe its got something to do with me feeling so uncomfortable and sore. X likes to dig under my ribs and make himself all nice and cosy in there - it certainly isnt cosy for me :( The pressure of his head makes it hard to walk and my stomach is enormous i can barely get near the sink to wash dishes. I look freaking huge! Esp since i'm only 5ft 1, so my belly can only grow out lol Now sleeping... what the heck is that? I'm awake every hour or so, just to move my body pillow and roll over, its such a task lol
I finally got to see the Dr last week and discuss my concerns about having a big baby naturally and tearing again as badly (or worse) like when i had Kailee. Thankfully she was understanding and has ordered an ultrasound to check how big this little man is already, and then discuss my options for birth - natural or c section. Either way, i keep reminding myself he's going to get out one way or another, whether i push him out or he gets cut out. He can't live in my tummy forever, thank goodness :) So i can't wait for my ultrasound on Monday (7th Sept) to get a peek at my little man again, and see how he's growing. I'll also ask for them to double check the sex - tho i'm pretty darn sure its a boy (based on my 19wk u/s, dream i had at the beginning of my pregnancy, timing of sex in relation to ovulation etc).
Kailee is getting so excited about meeting her little brother. She's already pushing her dolls around in his pram, wrapping them in his little baby blankets :) Tonite she was even singing nursery rhymes to X in my belly, and he was kicking - which she got to see, it was adorable!!But, until next time.... i'm off to bed to try and sleep. My folks are moving house this week, so i'm gonna help pack stuff and keep mum company while she does the hard work :) I'll post updates after i've had my scan and spoken to the dr next week - i can't wait!!
As a parting gift - here's my belly pic taken last week @ 32wks. Can u say HUGE?!?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Being pregnant isn't always a cup of tea...
Tuesday 04.08.09
I'm starting to realise just how easy my pregnancy with Kailee was. This whole pregnancy has been full of drama - not that its such a bad thing lol I've had morning sickness til 12wks, migraines so bad i've thrown up, been to hospital twice cuz i've been really sick or having pains in my stomach, and more..... I failed my 1hr glucose test (to check for gestational [pregnancy] diabetes) and then had to sit through the 2hr test, thankfully i passed that. So don't need to cut out sugary things like chocolate lol I'm now measuring at least 3wks ahead and the midwife is concerned and wants for the dr to see me at my next antenatal appt. Looks like i might just have a big boy growing inside my tummy - hopefully he doesn't get too big, i still have to give birth to him lol. All is going well otherwise, my iron count is a bit on the low side, meaning i need another blood test at 36wks to check it again. I can't believe there's less than 11wks to go til this little man is due!! I have a feeling he might make an appearance earlier than that tho. (At least i hope so - i really dread going overdue again and i'm already feeling awfully uncomfortable lol).
I'm starting to feel enormous and X doesnt like to sit still in there, he's always wiggling around, poking his body parts out. I keep taking belly pics to see how i'm looking each couple wks, its crazy how much i'm growing. I think i was this big when about to have Kailee - so i can't imagine how big i'm gonna be when X decides to enter this world :O It's so cute watching my belly move as he changes position and Kailee loves feeling her brother poking against my tummy. She always tells me he's poking his butt at her lol Kailee's going to make a great big sister.
I've finally moved into my own place which is fantastic. It's so nice to start getting everything out of boxes n set up Kailee's room. I need to get organised and do my room and start setting up all X's things in the nursery area. I'd like to get it all done before my baby shower which is in less than a couple wks. I'm so excited for Serena to be coming up and all the fun we're gonna have :) I've bought nearly everything i need for X and can't wait for the little guy to hurry up and get here - i'm already over being preg.... big and uncomfortable lol
Til the next update - me and my tummy will keep on growing. I'll come back to post pics when i get some new nice ones :D xxx
I'm starting to realise just how easy my pregnancy with Kailee was. This whole pregnancy has been full of drama - not that its such a bad thing lol I've had morning sickness til 12wks, migraines so bad i've thrown up, been to hospital twice cuz i've been really sick or having pains in my stomach, and more..... I failed my 1hr glucose test (to check for gestational [pregnancy] diabetes) and then had to sit through the 2hr test, thankfully i passed that. So don't need to cut out sugary things like chocolate lol I'm now measuring at least 3wks ahead and the midwife is concerned and wants for the dr to see me at my next antenatal appt. Looks like i might just have a big boy growing inside my tummy - hopefully he doesn't get too big, i still have to give birth to him lol. All is going well otherwise, my iron count is a bit on the low side, meaning i need another blood test at 36wks to check it again. I can't believe there's less than 11wks to go til this little man is due!! I have a feeling he might make an appearance earlier than that tho. (At least i hope so - i really dread going overdue again and i'm already feeling awfully uncomfortable lol).
I'm starting to feel enormous and X doesnt like to sit still in there, he's always wiggling around, poking his body parts out. I keep taking belly pics to see how i'm looking each couple wks, its crazy how much i'm growing. I think i was this big when about to have Kailee - so i can't imagine how big i'm gonna be when X decides to enter this world :O It's so cute watching my belly move as he changes position and Kailee loves feeling her brother poking against my tummy. She always tells me he's poking his butt at her lol Kailee's going to make a great big sister.
I've finally moved into my own place which is fantastic. It's so nice to start getting everything out of boxes n set up Kailee's room. I need to get organised and do my room and start setting up all X's things in the nursery area. I'd like to get it all done before my baby shower which is in less than a couple wks. I'm so excited for Serena to be coming up and all the fun we're gonna have :) I've bought nearly everything i need for X and can't wait for the little guy to hurry up and get here - i'm already over being preg.... big and uncomfortable lol
Til the next update - me and my tummy will keep on growing. I'll come back to post pics when i get some new nice ones :D xxx
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Antenatal Appt update :)
Friday 10.07.09
I had another antenatal appt earlier this week which was pretty much the same as it usually is. Measured my stomach, heard bubs heartbeat etc. My blood pressure is consistently rising, so the midwife wants to keep an eye on that. Appointments are now every 2wks (tho they weren't meant to start being that frequent for another 3wks yet), so i go back on July 21st for another checkup. Other than that, not much has changed - no swelling in my hands or feet, headaches has pretty much gone, no longer feeling sick, etc. I've had a few days this week where i have nearly passed out in town, which is totally frightening, but after a nice long sit down on the closest chair - i'm ok to get up and quickly get home. How embarrassing if u were to pass out in town - shame!
X is now head down - which explains the funny movements i felt last week when i guessed he was flipping around. He's got a few favourite moves he does over and over again that consist of headbutting my bladder and poking his butt out the top of my belly while kicking the other side at the same time. I feel HUGE and all this poking and stretching he's doing, only makes my belly hurt more as the skin stretches. It feels a whole lot better once i've put cream on my tummy - if only i could swim in the stuff lol.
I'm getting so impatient wanting to move - tho money is tight and im trying my best to save for a house. Only have to finish paying off X's carseat and i'm pretty much all set when it comes to buying baby things. I'd hate to add up all the money i've spent so far - but he's gonna be more than worth it. Serena (my best friend in Brisbane), is starting to plan my baby shower for next month (mid-August)..... i'm sure it'll be great and i can't wait for her to come stay for a few days. A nice kiddy-free weekend for her too which i'm sure she'll make the most of :)
So until my next appt in a bit over a week..... Here's a new belly pic taken this week, when i get time i'll make a slideshow of my 'bump' progress over the last 6mths :) xxx
I had another antenatal appt earlier this week which was pretty much the same as it usually is. Measured my stomach, heard bubs heartbeat etc. My blood pressure is consistently rising, so the midwife wants to keep an eye on that. Appointments are now every 2wks (tho they weren't meant to start being that frequent for another 3wks yet), so i go back on July 21st for another checkup. Other than that, not much has changed - no swelling in my hands or feet, headaches has pretty much gone, no longer feeling sick, etc. I've had a few days this week where i have nearly passed out in town, which is totally frightening, but after a nice long sit down on the closest chair - i'm ok to get up and quickly get home. How embarrassing if u were to pass out in town - shame!
X is now head down - which explains the funny movements i felt last week when i guessed he was flipping around. He's got a few favourite moves he does over and over again that consist of headbutting my bladder and poking his butt out the top of my belly while kicking the other side at the same time. I feel HUGE and all this poking and stretching he's doing, only makes my belly hurt more as the skin stretches. It feels a whole lot better once i've put cream on my tummy - if only i could swim in the stuff lol.
I'm getting so impatient wanting to move - tho money is tight and im trying my best to save for a house. Only have to finish paying off X's carseat and i'm pretty much all set when it comes to buying baby things. I'd hate to add up all the money i've spent so far - but he's gonna be more than worth it. Serena (my best friend in Brisbane), is starting to plan my baby shower for next month (mid-August)..... i'm sure it'll be great and i can't wait for her to come stay for a few days. A nice kiddy-free weekend for her too which i'm sure she'll make the most of :)
So until my next appt in a bit over a week..... Here's a new belly pic taken this week, when i get time i'll make a slideshow of my 'bump' progress over the last 6mths :) xxx
Friday, July 3, 2009
I'm no longer Antisocial!
Friday 03.07.09
I am officially the world's worst blogger! :( I'm sure not many ppl read this, since its more for my benefit to look back on and read what what going through my head at any given time in this pregnancy with all the added dramas going on. There's not much to update on since a month or so ago, tho surely things have happened that i can ramble about for a while :P
Kailee is doing great, she's been really sick lately with more constipation issues. Poor munchkin :( I took her to the movies to see Ice Age 3 - mind u she thought counting popcorn in the dark was more exciting towards the end lol She was super excited to get a new haircut today as well which looks so cute, guess its my turn next week - its been about a year since i had a haircut - so i'm looking forward to a new 'do!
Xavier is proving to be a very active little guy. He's always kicking around meal times and when i'm laying in bed trying to sleep. He loves hearing Kailee and kicks lots when she's nearby being her usual loud self lol Mum and Kailee have both felt him kicking and its funny when i poke my tummy and he kicks back. It's a little game i think - cheeky little fella :P I have another antenatal appt on Tuesday to check everything is on track (which no doubt it is). Hopefully after that my appt's will be everty 2wks, otherwise i'll have to wait 4wks to hear X's heartbeat again - and 4wk waits suck!! I've only put on 3kg (after losing 6kgs at about 12wks preg - around the time i ended up in hospital one nite cuz i was sick), which i'm happy with. I so dont want to put on another 13kg like i did with Kailee.... not if i dont need to.
Wat else is new?? I've stopped being so damn anti-social lately!! I've been making time to spend with a really nice guy..... whether it be taking Kailee to Maccas or to the movies, or even having a 'Kailee-free' dinner out somewhere. He's really sweet, caring and funny, we have loads in common and get along really well. I enjoy him being around n Kailee thinks he's great. She even calls him "Stinky" and "Butthead" - so she must like him lol Least we got time to take things super slow before the little man makes his grand arrival in October..... til then i'm sceptical about starting a relationship while pregnant. Just means, i get to make the most of these next few months by hanging out and getting to know him more before jumping into a relationship or anything as serious. Who knows what may happen.... but for now, i gotta put my 1.5 munchkins first :D
Well thats about it for now, who knows when i'll be back but i'll try and update after my next antenatal appt with how everything is going with bub. Hopefully i see the dr there soon and find out if i'm gonna risk tearing by having another natural birth or c-section. No doubt they'll say Natural... OUCH lol but bring it on as long as it means i get to welcome Xavier into my little family :D
xxx
I am officially the world's worst blogger! :( I'm sure not many ppl read this, since its more for my benefit to look back on and read what what going through my head at any given time in this pregnancy with all the added dramas going on. There's not much to update on since a month or so ago, tho surely things have happened that i can ramble about for a while :P
Kailee is doing great, she's been really sick lately with more constipation issues. Poor munchkin :( I took her to the movies to see Ice Age 3 - mind u she thought counting popcorn in the dark was more exciting towards the end lol She was super excited to get a new haircut today as well which looks so cute, guess its my turn next week - its been about a year since i had a haircut - so i'm looking forward to a new 'do!
Xavier is proving to be a very active little guy. He's always kicking around meal times and when i'm laying in bed trying to sleep. He loves hearing Kailee and kicks lots when she's nearby being her usual loud self lol Mum and Kailee have both felt him kicking and its funny when i poke my tummy and he kicks back. It's a little game i think - cheeky little fella :P I have another antenatal appt on Tuesday to check everything is on track (which no doubt it is). Hopefully after that my appt's will be everty 2wks, otherwise i'll have to wait 4wks to hear X's heartbeat again - and 4wk waits suck!! I've only put on 3kg (after losing 6kgs at about 12wks preg - around the time i ended up in hospital one nite cuz i was sick), which i'm happy with. I so dont want to put on another 13kg like i did with Kailee.... not if i dont need to.
Wat else is new?? I've stopped being so damn anti-social lately!! I've been making time to spend with a really nice guy..... whether it be taking Kailee to Maccas or to the movies, or even having a 'Kailee-free' dinner out somewhere. He's really sweet, caring and funny, we have loads in common and get along really well. I enjoy him being around n Kailee thinks he's great. She even calls him "Stinky" and "Butthead" - so she must like him lol Least we got time to take things super slow before the little man makes his grand arrival in October..... til then i'm sceptical about starting a relationship while pregnant. Just means, i get to make the most of these next few months by hanging out and getting to know him more before jumping into a relationship or anything as serious. Who knows what may happen.... but for now, i gotta put my 1.5 munchkins first :D
Well thats about it for now, who knows when i'll be back but i'll try and update after my next antenatal appt with how everything is going with bub. Hopefully i see the dr there soon and find out if i'm gonna risk tearing by having another natural birth or c-section. No doubt they'll say Natural... OUCH lol but bring it on as long as it means i get to welcome Xavier into my little family :D
xxx
Monday, June 1, 2009
Little Wonders
Monday 01.06.09
I've been meaning to download this song for ages and finally did tonite. Its incredible. Hope u guys love it as much as i do - sit back and listen to the lyrics! :D *hugs*
I've been meaning to download this song for ages and finally did tonite. Its incredible. Hope u guys love it as much as i do - sit back and listen to the lyrics! :D *hugs*
The verdict is in...
Monday 01.06.09
I need some energy - plz, anyone?? I'm too lazy to get online, since that usually involves effort, so i only manage to get my butt to the computer every couple days, it's really slack lol So here i go writing an update before i get too slack and crawl back into bed for some reading.... bean is awake and kicking lots, so might go lay down and feel the little one jumping around in there for a while lol
My ultrasound last Wednesday went great. It was awful having to drink soooo much water and hang onto it, while some guy was pushing on my stomach. Definitely the worst part of ultrasounds i'd have to say. My mum, sister and Kailee came with me - i think mum was the most excited to see little "bean" on the screen again. Kailee and my sister just played around mostly lol. We got to see bubs nice big head (funny how babies look at 19/20wks), big round belly, feet, hands and face. Saw the heart beating nicely which was adorable! Bub measured nearly a week ahead and the scan showed i'm due around Oct 16th, no longer Oct 21st. So we'll see at my antenatal appt next week if they change that, or stick with the 21st. Oh and the guy doing the u/s got a quick peek at the "goods" and unfortunately for Kailee - doesn't look like she's getting a baby sister this time. Yet another brother for her lol Didnt surprise me, since i had a dream a couple days beforehand that i'd had a boy, and based on when i conceived, there was a good chance of this little one being a boy :D So i'm happy, i dont need to buy anymore frilly pink things - i get to venture to the land of blue!! YAY! So i've picked up a couple blue things - some green and some white as well (just in case - but based on the u/s pic, there looks to be too many "parts" for a baby girl lol). Will wait til closer to bubs due date to buy anymore clothes - i'm getting some given to me between now and then, so i might end up with loads :D
FINALLY i have settled on a name! Incredible how i could choose a girl's name straight away, but its seriously taken me nearly 20wks to choose a boys name. I think i'm quite happy with what i've come up with and it goes well with Kailee - which is the main thing. So already this little man is being known as "Xavier"..... full name is Xavier Cayden Errol - Errol after my mums dad who died 4mths before i was born. It'll be a bit of a mouthful when combined with my long last name - lets hope he wont need to ring off his full name too many times in his life tho. Same with Kailee Adena Louise lol If i ever have anymore kids, i should definitely shorten their names - tho i'll have a hubby to help with name choosing no doubt. But since this choise was mine solely, i'm stoked with it! Less hassle when u dont need to ask for someone else's opinion lol
Ironically, straight after my u/s, i went shopping and just so happened to be "shopping day" for James, his new gf (well im guessing thats who she is since they were holding hands lol) and his parents. Funny how some ppl react when they know ur shopping there as well, and they go outta their way to "avoid" u - damn, least i know i'm not the one with the problem. I can continue to hold my head up, knowing i've done the right thing all along and am the mature one. C'mon guys, seriously! I sure know how to pic guys who wont be real "dads" to their kids. Someone slap me lol I'm not going to let a few ppl who have no morals or respect drag me down and make me feel like i have to hide.... i'm better than that :P At the end of the day - i know im a great mum, i know i do the best for my kids and can manage without the half-assed effort of some man pretending he cares about his child/ren. Bring me a real man!!
I guess thats about all i need to keep everyone up to speed on. Not much else happens around here - if someone finds my energy be sure to send it my way so i can function a little better!! Oh i got Kailee's enrollment forms into Prep (preschool/kindy/etc) today - i can't believe she starts school in January. My big girl is growing up!! She can't wait, so better get the forms in and in a few months i'll need to get uniforms, books etc. I'm gonna be one busy mama once this little man arrives no doubt. Gotta love mummyhood tho :D
I need some energy - plz, anyone?? I'm too lazy to get online, since that usually involves effort, so i only manage to get my butt to the computer every couple days, it's really slack lol So here i go writing an update before i get too slack and crawl back into bed for some reading.... bean is awake and kicking lots, so might go lay down and feel the little one jumping around in there for a while lol
My ultrasound last Wednesday went great. It was awful having to drink soooo much water and hang onto it, while some guy was pushing on my stomach. Definitely the worst part of ultrasounds i'd have to say. My mum, sister and Kailee came with me - i think mum was the most excited to see little "bean" on the screen again. Kailee and my sister just played around mostly lol. We got to see bubs nice big head (funny how babies look at 19/20wks), big round belly, feet, hands and face. Saw the heart beating nicely which was adorable! Bub measured nearly a week ahead and the scan showed i'm due around Oct 16th, no longer Oct 21st. So we'll see at my antenatal appt next week if they change that, or stick with the 21st. Oh and the guy doing the u/s got a quick peek at the "goods" and unfortunately for Kailee - doesn't look like she's getting a baby sister this time. Yet another brother for her lol Didnt surprise me, since i had a dream a couple days beforehand that i'd had a boy, and based on when i conceived, there was a good chance of this little one being a boy :D So i'm happy, i dont need to buy anymore frilly pink things - i get to venture to the land of blue!! YAY! So i've picked up a couple blue things - some green and some white as well (just in case - but based on the u/s pic, there looks to be too many "parts" for a baby girl lol). Will wait til closer to bubs due date to buy anymore clothes - i'm getting some given to me between now and then, so i might end up with loads :D
FINALLY i have settled on a name! Incredible how i could choose a girl's name straight away, but its seriously taken me nearly 20wks to choose a boys name. I think i'm quite happy with what i've come up with and it goes well with Kailee - which is the main thing. So already this little man is being known as "Xavier"..... full name is Xavier Cayden Errol - Errol after my mums dad who died 4mths before i was born. It'll be a bit of a mouthful when combined with my long last name - lets hope he wont need to ring off his full name too many times in his life tho. Same with Kailee Adena Louise lol If i ever have anymore kids, i should definitely shorten their names - tho i'll have a hubby to help with name choosing no doubt. But since this choise was mine solely, i'm stoked with it! Less hassle when u dont need to ask for someone else's opinion lol
Ironically, straight after my u/s, i went shopping and just so happened to be "shopping day" for James, his new gf (well im guessing thats who she is since they were holding hands lol) and his parents. Funny how some ppl react when they know ur shopping there as well, and they go outta their way to "avoid" u - damn, least i know i'm not the one with the problem. I can continue to hold my head up, knowing i've done the right thing all along and am the mature one. C'mon guys, seriously! I sure know how to pic guys who wont be real "dads" to their kids. Someone slap me lol I'm not going to let a few ppl who have no morals or respect drag me down and make me feel like i have to hide.... i'm better than that :P At the end of the day - i know im a great mum, i know i do the best for my kids and can manage without the half-assed effort of some man pretending he cares about his child/ren. Bring me a real man!!
I guess thats about all i need to keep everyone up to speed on. Not much else happens around here - if someone finds my energy be sure to send it my way so i can function a little better!! Oh i got Kailee's enrollment forms into Prep (preschool/kindy/etc) today - i can't believe she starts school in January. My big girl is growing up!! She can't wait, so better get the forms in and in a few months i'll need to get uniforms, books etc. I'm gonna be one busy mama once this little man arrives no doubt. Gotta love mummyhood tho :D
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Belly Pics
Sunday 24.05.09
Well not much to hear from me for now, still getting impatient waiting for Wednesday to roll around so i can see Bean again and hopefully find out if Bean is a girl or boy. I wanna start buying clothes - blue or pink - not just white, yellow or green!! So for now, while we're waiting here are the 2 belly pics i've taken so far. Only very minimal change, mainly just the rounding at the top of my big fat tummy lol But i feel HUGE and bloated. Bring on the baby belly. :P
*First pic was taken at 13wk 6d pregnant, 2nd pic taken at 17wk 2d pregnant.*
Well not much to hear from me for now, still getting impatient waiting for Wednesday to roll around so i can see Bean again and hopefully find out if Bean is a girl or boy. I wanna start buying clothes - blue or pink - not just white, yellow or green!! So for now, while we're waiting here are the 2 belly pics i've taken so far. Only very minimal change, mainly just the rounding at the top of my big fat tummy lol But i feel HUGE and bloated. Bring on the baby belly. :P
*First pic was taken at 13wk 6d pregnant, 2nd pic taken at 17wk 2d pregnant.*
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Are we all "judges"?
Sunday 17.05.09
Of all places, you'd think church would be somewhere that you can go and be freely accepted for who u are - regardless of what ur past involves etc. The bible talks about forgiveness if u repent from ur wicked ways and loving one another. But in this day and age, i hate to say it but there's nothing further from the truth when u actually are in church and ur "wrong-doings" are on display for everyone to see. Lemme give u some background....
I was 19yo, a children's church and youth group leader at church (thats right ppl, i was IN leadership) and got into a relationship with Jake (Kailee's biological father - aka 'Sperm Donor') n after only 2mths with him, i found out i was pregnant. I had to confront the Pastors as well as the other leaders i was working alongside and admit to them that i had indeed had sex before i was married and was pregnant and was stepping down from all my leadership roles. Fair enuff - i screwed up and made the effort to better my life n do the right thing for my unborn child. I won't pretend that i had it easy when ppl at church found out i was pregnant.... the dirty looks i got from certain ppl was ridiculous - but i brushed that all aside. THIS TIME: I was on the worship team at church - which i had worked towards for a while as Kailee was growing up, and then i met James.... once again i started getting "judged" for things i wasn't doing (i.e. getting judged for James living with me, when in fact he didnt). I was called a $lut n verbally attacked by a 'friend' from church. James and I both made the decision to leave the church as we didnt want to be part of a 'family' that is quick to jump to assumptions and attack someone else. We later moved in together and started trying for a baby of our own.... in no way was i pretending to be a moral christian as i no longer attended church. Plain and simple, i was a sinner! Then again aren't we all?? lol I just wasn't playing "christian" on a Sunday and then sinning on the Monday.
We all know what happened next - James left me and i found out that i was already pregnant when he broke off our 1.5yr relationship. I had forgiven the friend that had attacked me for apparently 'living' with James (when we weren't) and things were okay with her and I. I made the choice to do something postive for myself and Kailee and get my life back on track and start going back to church - thinking i would find support and friendship there.... i mean, this IS the church i have been going to for nearly 10yrs!! Long story short.... i've already mentioned the comment made by one person about "are you sure its James' baby".... now more recently, (in the last month or so) i have been told that in some way i may be encouraging other ppl to sin and go out and have sex before marriage, since ppl see that i'm happy about having a baby. C'mon!! I didn't say i was happy about the circumstances it happened in - ideally, i would have preferred to be married. I was asked how if i had grown up in church and knowing right from wrong, how i got myself into this situation of having another baby out of marriage, etc. The thing that puzzles me - is the person who asked is married and has never had a child outside marriage *sigh*. Surely they aren't going to grasp what life is like in a situation they have NEVER been in.
So after being made to feel like i'm some awful evil person - i was able to come back with some quick intelligent responses to these comments and questions. For instance - everyone in that church sins - whether they repent of it and are forgiven or are continuing to sin.... for me, my sin is on display for everyone to see for 9mths. Once bub is born ppl surely can say "well she sinned but that's in the past" - but regardless of the fact that i haven't been with anyone since James it doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is that i'm pregnant and i'm not married - who cares this is a result of a sin i commited FOUR MONTHS AGO! *sigh*
At the end of the day - it's only small minded ppl that feel they have a right to judge ppl. I'll continue to hold my head up high knowing that while i did the wrong thing, i'm now living with it and making the most of the situation i'm in. It's been and done - time moves on and so should ppl. It's unfortunate that some ppl can't seem to move on from MY sin - what does the bible say? Pull the log outta ur own eye before pulling the speck outta someone else's. Maybe these ppl need to re-read some scripture! All that should matter is what i do with my life NOW and not what i did in the past. Move on ppl - we're over it! *groan*
Of all places, you'd think church would be somewhere that you can go and be freely accepted for who u are - regardless of what ur past involves etc. The bible talks about forgiveness if u repent from ur wicked ways and loving one another. But in this day and age, i hate to say it but there's nothing further from the truth when u actually are in church and ur "wrong-doings" are on display for everyone to see. Lemme give u some background....
I was 19yo, a children's church and youth group leader at church (thats right ppl, i was IN leadership) and got into a relationship with Jake (Kailee's biological father - aka 'Sperm Donor') n after only 2mths with him, i found out i was pregnant. I had to confront the Pastors as well as the other leaders i was working alongside and admit to them that i had indeed had sex before i was married and was pregnant and was stepping down from all my leadership roles. Fair enuff - i screwed up and made the effort to better my life n do the right thing for my unborn child. I won't pretend that i had it easy when ppl at church found out i was pregnant.... the dirty looks i got from certain ppl was ridiculous - but i brushed that all aside. THIS TIME: I was on the worship team at church - which i had worked towards for a while as Kailee was growing up, and then i met James.... once again i started getting "judged" for things i wasn't doing (i.e. getting judged for James living with me, when in fact he didnt). I was called a $lut n verbally attacked by a 'friend' from church. James and I both made the decision to leave the church as we didnt want to be part of a 'family' that is quick to jump to assumptions and attack someone else. We later moved in together and started trying for a baby of our own.... in no way was i pretending to be a moral christian as i no longer attended church. Plain and simple, i was a sinner! Then again aren't we all?? lol I just wasn't playing "christian" on a Sunday and then sinning on the Monday.
We all know what happened next - James left me and i found out that i was already pregnant when he broke off our 1.5yr relationship. I had forgiven the friend that had attacked me for apparently 'living' with James (when we weren't) and things were okay with her and I. I made the choice to do something postive for myself and Kailee and get my life back on track and start going back to church - thinking i would find support and friendship there.... i mean, this IS the church i have been going to for nearly 10yrs!! Long story short.... i've already mentioned the comment made by one person about "are you sure its James' baby".... now more recently, (in the last month or so) i have been told that in some way i may be encouraging other ppl to sin and go out and have sex before marriage, since ppl see that i'm happy about having a baby. C'mon!! I didn't say i was happy about the circumstances it happened in - ideally, i would have preferred to be married. I was asked how if i had grown up in church and knowing right from wrong, how i got myself into this situation of having another baby out of marriage, etc. The thing that puzzles me - is the person who asked is married and has never had a child outside marriage *sigh*. Surely they aren't going to grasp what life is like in a situation they have NEVER been in.
So after being made to feel like i'm some awful evil person - i was able to come back with some quick intelligent responses to these comments and questions. For instance - everyone in that church sins - whether they repent of it and are forgiven or are continuing to sin.... for me, my sin is on display for everyone to see for 9mths. Once bub is born ppl surely can say "well she sinned but that's in the past" - but regardless of the fact that i haven't been with anyone since James it doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is that i'm pregnant and i'm not married - who cares this is a result of a sin i commited FOUR MONTHS AGO! *sigh*
At the end of the day - it's only small minded ppl that feel they have a right to judge ppl. I'll continue to hold my head up high knowing that while i did the wrong thing, i'm now living with it and making the most of the situation i'm in. It's been and done - time moves on and so should ppl. It's unfortunate that some ppl can't seem to move on from MY sin - what does the bible say? Pull the log outta ur own eye before pulling the speck outta someone else's. Maybe these ppl need to re-read some scripture! All that should matter is what i do with my life NOW and not what i did in the past. Move on ppl - we're over it! *groan*
Friday, May 15, 2009
The latest on us and bean!
Friday 15.05.09
I must admit, i've been the slackest blogger these past few months. Seems i had lots to vent about when it was all revolving around the "James saga/drama". Now i have nothing to whinge, complain and vent about - or so it seems lol So guess this will have to be a "good" update blog :D
I had an awesome holiday with my 'other family' down in Caboolture for over a week. It pretty much consisted of sleeping in, good food, great company, noisy squealing kids, and best of all - no ex's in town! LOL So all in all, less stress!! Kailee had the time of her life - as usual and none of the kids wanted Kailee and I to go home. But.... i had to as i had another Antenatal appt at the hospital and was eager to hear bean's little heartbeat again... u never tire of hearing it at each appt!!
My 17wk checkup at the hospital antenatal clinic went well. Nothing to worry about, no swelling (otherwise known as Odema), already feeling movements and big kicks which i LOVE (midwife was amazed i've been feeling bub move since 10wks!), and cheeky little bean kept running away from the doppler (device used to hear bubs heartbeat through my stomach) and hiding... so after 3 goes the midwife finally got a good reading of the heartbeat. A nice healthy 154bpm - exactly the same as last month's appt. I dont need to go back until another 4wks time but am really excited to book my big 19wk u/s (ultrasound) next week, for the end of the month (in less than 2wks time) and hopefully find out what i'm having!! Kailee is still sure i'm having a girl and so far i have a girl's name chosen so i'm prepared for more pink. If it's a boy on the other hand.... i still got some thinking until i'm definite about the name. Either way i'll be equally as happy and blessed!!
So watch this space - i'll have some news within the next fortnite hopefully. Will it be a cheeseburger (girl) or a hotdog (boy)?? Lemme know what you all think - so far the majority of friends are predicting a boy... and my gut isn't telling me a thing. So i dont know either way!!
I must admit, i've been the slackest blogger these past few months. Seems i had lots to vent about when it was all revolving around the "James saga/drama". Now i have nothing to whinge, complain and vent about - or so it seems lol So guess this will have to be a "good" update blog :D
I had an awesome holiday with my 'other family' down in Caboolture for over a week. It pretty much consisted of sleeping in, good food, great company, noisy squealing kids, and best of all - no ex's in town! LOL So all in all, less stress!! Kailee had the time of her life - as usual and none of the kids wanted Kailee and I to go home. But.... i had to as i had another Antenatal appt at the hospital and was eager to hear bean's little heartbeat again... u never tire of hearing it at each appt!!
My 17wk checkup at the hospital antenatal clinic went well. Nothing to worry about, no swelling (otherwise known as Odema), already feeling movements and big kicks which i LOVE (midwife was amazed i've been feeling bub move since 10wks!), and cheeky little bean kept running away from the doppler (device used to hear bubs heartbeat through my stomach) and hiding... so after 3 goes the midwife finally got a good reading of the heartbeat. A nice healthy 154bpm - exactly the same as last month's appt. I dont need to go back until another 4wks time but am really excited to book my big 19wk u/s (ultrasound) next week, for the end of the month (in less than 2wks time) and hopefully find out what i'm having!! Kailee is still sure i'm having a girl and so far i have a girl's name chosen so i'm prepared for more pink. If it's a boy on the other hand.... i still got some thinking until i'm definite about the name. Either way i'll be equally as happy and blessed!!
So watch this space - i'll have some news within the next fortnite hopefully. Will it be a cheeseburger (girl) or a hotdog (boy)?? Lemme know what you all think - so far the majority of friends are predicting a boy... and my gut isn't telling me a thing. So i dont know either way!!
.......Till then guys and girls........
Monday, April 27, 2009
Finally some updates :P
Tuesday 28.04.09
I'm sorry, i've been awful at keeping my blog updated when it comes to me and the going on's in my life lately. Sooooo much has happened, lots which i really wasn't in any mood to really talk about, but i'm in a better place emotionally now and can quickly get it out, updating everyone and then leave it behind me - where it can stay lol.
Long story short - i moved house. I cannot express enuff just how emotionally and physically draining that was. My folks were amazing n mum helped scrub walls, etc while dad moved everything. If there was ever a time when it was the most evident that i was indeed single again it was moving house. Now i'm not the kind of person to run anyone down - regardless of what they do to me or put me through. James was great - financially.... but thats where it ended. Through the whole moving process, i didnt see him once. At the end of the day, i'm holding my head up knowing i got it done and it looked great when it was finally finished.
Not long after that i found out James had already moved on.... fair enuff, it was gonna happen one day. Didn't make it hurt any less tho. Esp when he was still filling my head with all his usual crap "I love you" "I miss you" etc etc. One would say i was silly and naive for thinking he wasn't 'just another guy' (for all you decent guys out there.... i know ur not 'just another guy' so dont stress - uno who u are! ... Prashant, Daniel, Cameron, etc) and to be perfectly honest, i was hoping he wasn't the jerk he was starting to evidently become. Yep, that's me, naive! So he moved on.... it happens, life continues and we're still having a baby together, although he'd continue to tell me he'll be there for his child and come to appt's concerning the baby etc he really wasn't showing any interest in being there at all.
The final straw i guess was when i was laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a drip of fluids, rushed up there dehydrated and very sick. I hadn't eaten or drank in days and as much as i wanted to force something into my stomach, i couldn't. Never again do i want to feel like this :( So there i was, laying in hospital, waiting to hear back about all my tests that were done when i was first taken in, and i get a message from who else but James - telling me i'm spiteful and controlling (c'mon, i'd easily admit when provoked i can be :P) n that he wants nothing to do with his child or me for that matter. I told him to at least do the right thing by his baby and his reply was that no, i'll never see him again and to have a nice life. Just the thing to make my nite in hospital all the more exciting - not! At this point i wasn't shocked, i knew for some time he didnt want to be involved but wasn't able to say it to me himself... finally he said it.
Now, after all that had happened, i'd found out some things about James i hadn't known the whole 1.5yrs we'd known each other and been together. Finding out he'd lied to me the whole time hurt, i wasn't going to let this new girl believe all she hears about me - no doubt i'm portrayed by James and his family (i.e. mother) as some kind of fire-breathing dragon. So she might as well hear some things from me - i messaged her ;) Prolly not the most noble of actions, but at least she's heard my side - whether she believes it or not is her issue... i have nothing to gain from lying about anything. No doubt this is why James started with his nasty text messages....
....Now the most amusing part of this was when the new girl (i wont say girlfriend.... since i'm sure its prolly not even that - James has some committment issues in every extent) messaged me saying that before i ask him for child support i will need to get a DNA test to prove it's his baby cuz "who knows where you've been". I have one word for that - hilarious!! Silly thing is - i'll do just that, get a DNA test. It'll look kinda stupid going to court for a DNA test when we both know its his baby. At least then he'll have a "report" to keep in his records stating its his baby - no denying that then! Why some ppl want to try lying their way through life i'll never understand - but its a road that'll only take them in circles - they'll get nowhere! Stupidly, he mustn't realise that DNA tests aren't cheap.... and the biological father pays for the test. If only he would just man up to his responsibilities n do the right thing - but then he would need to have morals and values. Those, are lacking.
On the upside, the stress of keeping him involved in every aspect of having a baby - choosing a name, antenatal appts, etc - is no longer there as i dont have to talk to him about anything. I can make my own choices regarding my child and this pregnancy. After a rough couple wks being sick, i'm on the mend and able to start putting weight back on. In a max of 5days i lost at least 6kgs (or 13lbs)... now i can stomach food and fluids again :D I still have my fair share of everyday stresses, but nothing compared to those horrific weeks explained above. *sigh* I'm now nearly 15wks pregnant and little bean is becoming quite the kicker. It's not often i get a bit "boot" from him/her, but when i do its amazing. Those first few kicks are indescribable! I can't wait to feel little bean lots more over the coming weeks. In 4wks also i have my BIG scan.... hopefully the little on will cooperate and we'll get a 'peek' at whats cooking - a cheeseburger (girl) or hot dog (boy).
I'll keep u all updated, but for now it's after 1.30am and i need to go steal my bed back from the snoozing 4yo (Kailee) in it. Gotta love her - she fought sleep for soooooooo long tonite, only to crawl under the blankets and be sleeping in not even a whole minute lol Kids are crazy sometimes!! *hugs*
I'm sorry, i've been awful at keeping my blog updated when it comes to me and the going on's in my life lately. Sooooo much has happened, lots which i really wasn't in any mood to really talk about, but i'm in a better place emotionally now and can quickly get it out, updating everyone and then leave it behind me - where it can stay lol.
Long story short - i moved house. I cannot express enuff just how emotionally and physically draining that was. My folks were amazing n mum helped scrub walls, etc while dad moved everything. If there was ever a time when it was the most evident that i was indeed single again it was moving house. Now i'm not the kind of person to run anyone down - regardless of what they do to me or put me through. James was great - financially.... but thats where it ended. Through the whole moving process, i didnt see him once. At the end of the day, i'm holding my head up knowing i got it done and it looked great when it was finally finished.
Not long after that i found out James had already moved on.... fair enuff, it was gonna happen one day. Didn't make it hurt any less tho. Esp when he was still filling my head with all his usual crap "I love you" "I miss you" etc etc. One would say i was silly and naive for thinking he wasn't 'just another guy' (for all you decent guys out there.... i know ur not 'just another guy' so dont stress - uno who u are! ... Prashant, Daniel, Cameron, etc) and to be perfectly honest, i was hoping he wasn't the jerk he was starting to evidently become. Yep, that's me, naive! So he moved on.... it happens, life continues and we're still having a baby together, although he'd continue to tell me he'll be there for his child and come to appt's concerning the baby etc he really wasn't showing any interest in being there at all.
The final straw i guess was when i was laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a drip of fluids, rushed up there dehydrated and very sick. I hadn't eaten or drank in days and as much as i wanted to force something into my stomach, i couldn't. Never again do i want to feel like this :( So there i was, laying in hospital, waiting to hear back about all my tests that were done when i was first taken in, and i get a message from who else but James - telling me i'm spiteful and controlling (c'mon, i'd easily admit when provoked i can be :P) n that he wants nothing to do with his child or me for that matter. I told him to at least do the right thing by his baby and his reply was that no, i'll never see him again and to have a nice life. Just the thing to make my nite in hospital all the more exciting - not! At this point i wasn't shocked, i knew for some time he didnt want to be involved but wasn't able to say it to me himself... finally he said it.
Now, after all that had happened, i'd found out some things about James i hadn't known the whole 1.5yrs we'd known each other and been together. Finding out he'd lied to me the whole time hurt, i wasn't going to let this new girl believe all she hears about me - no doubt i'm portrayed by James and his family (i.e. mother) as some kind of fire-breathing dragon. So she might as well hear some things from me - i messaged her ;) Prolly not the most noble of actions, but at least she's heard my side - whether she believes it or not is her issue... i have nothing to gain from lying about anything. No doubt this is why James started with his nasty text messages....
....Now the most amusing part of this was when the new girl (i wont say girlfriend.... since i'm sure its prolly not even that - James has some committment issues in every extent) messaged me saying that before i ask him for child support i will need to get a DNA test to prove it's his baby cuz "who knows where you've been". I have one word for that - hilarious!! Silly thing is - i'll do just that, get a DNA test. It'll look kinda stupid going to court for a DNA test when we both know its his baby. At least then he'll have a "report" to keep in his records stating its his baby - no denying that then! Why some ppl want to try lying their way through life i'll never understand - but its a road that'll only take them in circles - they'll get nowhere! Stupidly, he mustn't realise that DNA tests aren't cheap.... and the biological father pays for the test. If only he would just man up to his responsibilities n do the right thing - but then he would need to have morals and values. Those, are lacking.
On the upside, the stress of keeping him involved in every aspect of having a baby - choosing a name, antenatal appts, etc - is no longer there as i dont have to talk to him about anything. I can make my own choices regarding my child and this pregnancy. After a rough couple wks being sick, i'm on the mend and able to start putting weight back on. In a max of 5days i lost at least 6kgs (or 13lbs)... now i can stomach food and fluids again :D I still have my fair share of everyday stresses, but nothing compared to those horrific weeks explained above. *sigh* I'm now nearly 15wks pregnant and little bean is becoming quite the kicker. It's not often i get a bit "boot" from him/her, but when i do its amazing. Those first few kicks are indescribable! I can't wait to feel little bean lots more over the coming weeks. In 4wks also i have my BIG scan.... hopefully the little on will cooperate and we'll get a 'peek' at whats cooking - a cheeseburger (girl) or hot dog (boy).
I'll keep u all updated, but for now it's after 1.30am and i need to go steal my bed back from the snoozing 4yo (Kailee) in it. Gotta love her - she fought sleep for soooooooo long tonite, only to crawl under the blankets and be sleeping in not even a whole minute lol Kids are crazy sometimes!! *hugs*
Monday, April 6, 2009
Beyond Exhausted
Monday 06.04.09
I havent been checking in nearly as much as i should have and i'm sorry - i'm slack lol Finally i have finished moving all of my stuff and cleaning the old house. Still tho i am staying with my parents while i get the money together to move into a new place of my own. Its so stressful, so expensive, and so draining! I have been running on "empty" for the past couple wks and i'm just kinda waiting for the point where i just collapse and can't go any further. I dont think ppl realise just how damn stressful it is doing this on my own, with a 4yo in tow, pregnant again and with no help from James at all. My folks have been great - dad moved all my stuff, mum has been scrubbing walls with me non stop for 2wks. Other than that, id hate to think i had friends to rely on lol That sure sucks!!
These hormones are running wild inside me atm. I dont take any crap from anyone and all these smart ass remarks and comments and whinging and complaining i hear just make me want to scream and strangle someone. Here's just a few from this week alone *sigh*.......
* I've had one lady (from church mind u *shocked*) tell me "Praise God" when i said James and I had split. She told me she was happy we'd split and thought it was a good thing, and when i told her it wasn't since i'm now having his baby she had the audacity to ask "Are u sure its his?" WHAT THE F*$K?? I wasn't impressed - and told her straight out that she shouldn't make such horrible assumptions and how many ppl did she think i was sleeping with. She stated i may have already found someone else and been "bedding" them. Whoa! Where do some ppl come from?? I told her to thinki first next time and not say things like that, esp if they may hurt someone feelings - good thing i'm tough and dont let busy bodies get the better of me!!
* A bit of background, for those that dont know.... Kailee has an intolerance to gluten and dairy (and thats what we know of). If she doesnt take her vitamins (vitamin C is great, but the magic one is her fish oil "lollies") then she will be constipated for DAYS!! To the point where shes screaming, wont sleep etc. She's had this since she stopped breastfeeding at 3mths old and even gotten to the point where she developed an infants equilivent to haemorroids and tears (yep, there!!) - there's nothing more frightening than changing a nappy and theres blood! :( I can honestly say that 99.9% of the time we have it all under control.... its those odd occasions when she doesnt have her vitamins that she has trouble doing a poo. (A little TMI [too much info] is sure to come guys, be warned!) I hate when shes in pain and having so much trouble, the amount of undies i have to wash as she tries her hardest to hold it in and NOT poo, but does little by little. These are the times when shes having so much trouble that it smells worse than any other "normal" poo. Poo Kailee was in lots of pain and some lady had the nerve to make fun of her (once again at church - different lady tho) and tell her not to come near her. Wow - one way to make mum angry. I told her Kailee has a medical problem and to show a bit more sympathy. Mind u this lady is quite away of Kailee's medical dramas - shes a close family friend and Kailee's creche leader. *sigh*
* The amount of friends i have complaining about money, other friends, ra ra ra. C'mon, look on the bright side guys. *Cameron i'm not talking bout u here dude, complain away :P* Sometimes it's just so draining listening to ppl being so negative when whatever they are complaining about really isnt that bad. I hate complaining TO ppl, since i dont want to sound like a whinger or just a sad sack lol Life goes on, and theres always someone out there much worse off - we need to remeber that. We may need money to live life comfortably - but dont whinge to me about it atm, i'm staying with my parents cuz i cant afford to move into my own plave straight away, i'm flat broke from moving and i am still raising a 4yr old on my own as well as having to buy baby stuff from scratch again. I dont have the wealthy families some ppl have to help out when its needed and in alot of ways i'm glad. I dont want to rely on the to buy me baby stuff or give me money to move. This is my life and i need to take control of it - i'm an adult and capable of pushing through no matter what i come against. At the end of the day, Kailee has clothes on her back, food in her belly and a roof over her head and lots of love around her - who cars if i have a car, go on wonderful holidays, the most delicious expensive food, fancy clothes etc. Then there's those ppl who complain about their partners or husbands - FFS, at least u have one. Whether ALL he does is the dishes and nothing else, its something. If he ONLY puts the kids in the bath but nothing else - its better than nothing at all. I cant stand these ppl saying "I might as well be a single parent".... bloody hell, i dont think they'd cope on their own. GRRR
........ Anyhow off my soapbox for now. I'm sure there's more to complain about but i'll leave it at just that lol I'm exhausted and need a shower and to just relax. Hopefully theres something decent on tv tonite to watch or maybe i'll just read. Or sleep - now that sounds like a plan. Til later this week hopefully, if not sooner. *hugs* to all my wonderful friends. Cameron - chin up champ, it WILL get better, Trust me!! :)
xxxx
I havent been checking in nearly as much as i should have and i'm sorry - i'm slack lol Finally i have finished moving all of my stuff and cleaning the old house. Still tho i am staying with my parents while i get the money together to move into a new place of my own. Its so stressful, so expensive, and so draining! I have been running on "empty" for the past couple wks and i'm just kinda waiting for the point where i just collapse and can't go any further. I dont think ppl realise just how damn stressful it is doing this on my own, with a 4yo in tow, pregnant again and with no help from James at all. My folks have been great - dad moved all my stuff, mum has been scrubbing walls with me non stop for 2wks. Other than that, id hate to think i had friends to rely on lol That sure sucks!!
These hormones are running wild inside me atm. I dont take any crap from anyone and all these smart ass remarks and comments and whinging and complaining i hear just make me want to scream and strangle someone. Here's just a few from this week alone *sigh*.......
* I've had one lady (from church mind u *shocked*) tell me "Praise God" when i said James and I had split. She told me she was happy we'd split and thought it was a good thing, and when i told her it wasn't since i'm now having his baby she had the audacity to ask "Are u sure its his?" WHAT THE F*$K?? I wasn't impressed - and told her straight out that she shouldn't make such horrible assumptions and how many ppl did she think i was sleeping with. She stated i may have already found someone else and been "bedding" them. Whoa! Where do some ppl come from?? I told her to thinki first next time and not say things like that, esp if they may hurt someone feelings - good thing i'm tough and dont let busy bodies get the better of me!!
* A bit of background, for those that dont know.... Kailee has an intolerance to gluten and dairy (and thats what we know of). If she doesnt take her vitamins (vitamin C is great, but the magic one is her fish oil "lollies") then she will be constipated for DAYS!! To the point where shes screaming, wont sleep etc. She's had this since she stopped breastfeeding at 3mths old and even gotten to the point where she developed an infants equilivent to haemorroids and tears (yep, there!!) - there's nothing more frightening than changing a nappy and theres blood! :( I can honestly say that 99.9% of the time we have it all under control.... its those odd occasions when she doesnt have her vitamins that she has trouble doing a poo. (A little TMI [too much info] is sure to come guys, be warned!) I hate when shes in pain and having so much trouble, the amount of undies i have to wash as she tries her hardest to hold it in and NOT poo, but does little by little. These are the times when shes having so much trouble that it smells worse than any other "normal" poo. Poo Kailee was in lots of pain and some lady had the nerve to make fun of her (once again at church - different lady tho) and tell her not to come near her. Wow - one way to make mum angry. I told her Kailee has a medical problem and to show a bit more sympathy. Mind u this lady is quite away of Kailee's medical dramas - shes a close family friend and Kailee's creche leader. *sigh*
* The amount of friends i have complaining about money, other friends, ra ra ra. C'mon, look on the bright side guys. *Cameron i'm not talking bout u here dude, complain away :P* Sometimes it's just so draining listening to ppl being so negative when whatever they are complaining about really isnt that bad. I hate complaining TO ppl, since i dont want to sound like a whinger or just a sad sack lol Life goes on, and theres always someone out there much worse off - we need to remeber that. We may need money to live life comfortably - but dont whinge to me about it atm, i'm staying with my parents cuz i cant afford to move into my own plave straight away, i'm flat broke from moving and i am still raising a 4yr old on my own as well as having to buy baby stuff from scratch again. I dont have the wealthy families some ppl have to help out when its needed and in alot of ways i'm glad. I dont want to rely on the to buy me baby stuff or give me money to move. This is my life and i need to take control of it - i'm an adult and capable of pushing through no matter what i come against. At the end of the day, Kailee has clothes on her back, food in her belly and a roof over her head and lots of love around her - who cars if i have a car, go on wonderful holidays, the most delicious expensive food, fancy clothes etc. Then there's those ppl who complain about their partners or husbands - FFS, at least u have one. Whether ALL he does is the dishes and nothing else, its something. If he ONLY puts the kids in the bath but nothing else - its better than nothing at all. I cant stand these ppl saying "I might as well be a single parent".... bloody hell, i dont think they'd cope on their own. GRRR
........ Anyhow off my soapbox for now. I'm sure there's more to complain about but i'll leave it at just that lol I'm exhausted and need a shower and to just relax. Hopefully theres something decent on tv tonite to watch or maybe i'll just read. Or sleep - now that sounds like a plan. Til later this week hopefully, if not sooner. *hugs* to all my wonderful friends. Cameron - chin up champ, it WILL get better, Trust me!! :)
xxxx
Sunday, March 22, 2009
It's been a while...
Monday 23.03.09
It's sad to see my other family (Serena and co) leaving again today after a weekend here with us for Kailee's birthday yesterday! It's always wonderful having them here and sad to see them go. Kailee loves playing with the kids and just adores Uncle Shane and Aunty Serena. She even wants to go live with them lol It's great watching her play with the other kids, she'll make a great big sister. Little does she know she already is - she has 2 brothers, aged 2yo and 1yo. Her bio father (aka Sperm Donor lol) has 3 children in all......... only the youngest he bothers to spend time with, since he married the mother of the youngest child. As for Kailee and the 2nd child, he wont even look at them in the street - the downside to living in the same town as him :( When she's older she'll learn of her other 2 brothers, little dones she know, she already has "playdates" with her 1st brother (the 2yo) lol The bonus of being friends with my ex's ex :P
I'm soooooo exhausted and feeling really seedy at the moment. Seems once i got to 8wks the morning sickness got worse! Someone said to me the other day "well its just nausea and not actually morning sickness" um hello - its the same when ur knocked up. Sometimes i think i'd feel a hell of alot better after throwing up than i do atm. For the first couple wks i knew i was pregnant, it was only from about 6am til lunchtime. Now its from the minute i wake up til i finally get to sleep at nite. Makes me wonder if i ever want to do this again - though i know once the morning sickness is gone, i'll prolly enjoy being pregnant more, or at least i hope so lol Makes me realise that my pregnancy with Kailee was alot easier. No stretching pains, cramping, morning sickness etc. No wonder i wanted more kids. I finally get my acupuncture this week, thank heavens! These niggling headaches are driving me mad!!
Anyhow, i best spend time with my friends before they leave me :( i'll post again later i hope xxx
It's sad to see my other family (Serena and co) leaving again today after a weekend here with us for Kailee's birthday yesterday! It's always wonderful having them here and sad to see them go. Kailee loves playing with the kids and just adores Uncle Shane and Aunty Serena. She even wants to go live with them lol It's great watching her play with the other kids, she'll make a great big sister. Little does she know she already is - she has 2 brothers, aged 2yo and 1yo. Her bio father (aka Sperm Donor lol) has 3 children in all......... only the youngest he bothers to spend time with, since he married the mother of the youngest child. As for Kailee and the 2nd child, he wont even look at them in the street - the downside to living in the same town as him :( When she's older she'll learn of her other 2 brothers, little dones she know, she already has "playdates" with her 1st brother (the 2yo) lol The bonus of being friends with my ex's ex :P
I'm soooooo exhausted and feeling really seedy at the moment. Seems once i got to 8wks the morning sickness got worse! Someone said to me the other day "well its just nausea and not actually morning sickness" um hello - its the same when ur knocked up. Sometimes i think i'd feel a hell of alot better after throwing up than i do atm. For the first couple wks i knew i was pregnant, it was only from about 6am til lunchtime. Now its from the minute i wake up til i finally get to sleep at nite. Makes me wonder if i ever want to do this again - though i know once the morning sickness is gone, i'll prolly enjoy being pregnant more, or at least i hope so lol Makes me realise that my pregnancy with Kailee was alot easier. No stretching pains, cramping, morning sickness etc. No wonder i wanted more kids. I finally get my acupuncture this week, thank heavens! These niggling headaches are driving me mad!!
Anyhow, i best spend time with my friends before they leave me :( i'll post again later i hope xxx
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Blah day :(
Wednesday 11.03.09
I feel sick. Maybe its the fish burger i had for lunch, watching James try to eat a HUGE 1kg burger, or just plain old evil morning sickness. I'm not even sure sleep would make me feel any better. I'm exhausted and feel like being sick. The joys of being pregnant i guess. Today i'm 8wks and after looking online my little bean is the size of a raspberry. Starting to wiggle his/her little arms and legs and webbed hands and feet. I can't wait til my next ultrasound on Tuesday to see a little heartbeat nice and strong. I can't ever remember Kailee making me feel this exhausted, this soon. Then again maybe its cuz i'm running around after a 4yo all day.
I can't believe i'm 2/3 of the way through this first trimester, tho the time seems to be dragging. I wish it would go by faster, then again maybe i just need to learn to enjoy it more. I worry too much that something will go wrong, but as a mother i think thats normal. Once the u/s is done i'll be more at ease after seeing the heartbeat and will just sit back and enjoy everything. So not looking forward to having to buy everything from scratch again - all the little things like clothes, nappies, wipes, dummies, blankets etc. Babies need so much. I think i take my wonderful independant (nearly) 4yo for granted, its gonna be a HUGE adjustment when a newborn is in the house lol
Off for a lay down for now...
I feel sick. Maybe its the fish burger i had for lunch, watching James try to eat a HUGE 1kg burger, or just plain old evil morning sickness. I'm not even sure sleep would make me feel any better. I'm exhausted and feel like being sick. The joys of being pregnant i guess. Today i'm 8wks and after looking online my little bean is the size of a raspberry. Starting to wiggle his/her little arms and legs and webbed hands and feet. I can't wait til my next ultrasound on Tuesday to see a little heartbeat nice and strong. I can't ever remember Kailee making me feel this exhausted, this soon. Then again maybe its cuz i'm running around after a 4yo all day.
I can't believe i'm 2/3 of the way through this first trimester, tho the time seems to be dragging. I wish it would go by faster, then again maybe i just need to learn to enjoy it more. I worry too much that something will go wrong, but as a mother i think thats normal. Once the u/s is done i'll be more at ease after seeing the heartbeat and will just sit back and enjoy everything. So not looking forward to having to buy everything from scratch again - all the little things like clothes, nappies, wipes, dummies, blankets etc. Babies need so much. I think i take my wonderful independant (nearly) 4yo for granted, its gonna be a HUGE adjustment when a newborn is in the house lol
Off for a lay down for now...
Monday, March 9, 2009
My favourite blogs!
Monday 09.03.09
I thought i'd post something about the handful of blogs that i follow as much as i can.
So, here are my favourite blogs in no particular order...
1. Suddenly Single A blog started by a close friend of mine dealing with the new adventures of being a single mum to 2 gorgeous girls. I encourage everyone to check her blog out and subscribe to it - give her some lurve!!
2. Williams Family Blog Heartbreaking blog of a couple's son born with a rare skin condition, fighting for his life in hospital. Send them ur prayers!! (Alternatively, u can click the picture at the bottom of this post to check out this blog).
3. Family Journeys Amy's blog - i met her on SheKnows when TTC and she's over halfway through her pregnancy now.
4. Piehl, Party of 5 The blog of a friend i met online (also on SheKnows) when we were both 'Due in March 2005', shes just had her 3rd gorgeous child.
5. The Hodder's Blog Another friend made when "Due in March 2005" tho on an Australian message board. Her family's blog.
6. Memories on Maple Street An online friend's blog (another SheKnows mummy) dedicated to her family and her new little princess and medical concerns with her new baby girl.
7. Confessions of a Professional Couch Potato Blog written by yet another SheKnows mummy, currently baking her little man Emmett and in hospital on bedrest.
8. ~Waiting for Ada~ YET another SheKnows mummy's blog about her struggle to get pregnant and the countdown to her little girls upcoming birth.
9. Abu Dhabi-dooooo!!!! Blog dedicated to knitting, started by a lady i met online recently.
10. My One Cute Blog For all things blog related, blinkies, graphics, templates etc.
P.S. For those wishing to pray for baby Jonah or check out his parents' blog. Click the picture!
I thought i'd post something about the handful of blogs that i follow as much as i can.
1. Suddenly Single A blog started by a close friend of mine dealing with the new adventures of being a single mum to 2 gorgeous girls. I encourage everyone to check her blog out and subscribe to it - give her some lurve!!
2. Williams Family Blog Heartbreaking blog of a couple's son born with a rare skin condition, fighting for his life in hospital. Send them ur prayers!! (Alternatively, u can click the picture at the bottom of this post to check out this blog).
3. Family Journeys Amy's blog - i met her on SheKnows when TTC and she's over halfway through her pregnancy now.
4. Piehl, Party of 5 The blog of a friend i met online (also on SheKnows) when we were both 'Due in March 2005', shes just had her 3rd gorgeous child.
5. The Hodder's Blog Another friend made when "Due in March 2005" tho on an Australian message board. Her family's blog.
6. Memories on Maple Street An online friend's blog (another SheKnows mummy) dedicated to her family and her new little princess and medical concerns with her new baby girl.
7. Confessions of a Professional Couch Potato Blog written by yet another SheKnows mummy, currently baking her little man Emmett and in hospital on bedrest.
8. ~Waiting for Ada~ YET another SheKnows mummy's blog about her struggle to get pregnant and the countdown to her little girls upcoming birth.
9. Abu Dhabi-dooooo!!!! Blog dedicated to knitting, started by a lady i met online recently.
10. My One Cute Blog For all things blog related, blinkies, graphics, templates etc.
P.S. For those wishing to pray for baby Jonah or check out his parents' blog. Click the picture!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Needing a holiday from my holiday
Monday 09.03.09
Well i had an absolute blast spending time with my other family - the Evans' in Caboolture. It's always fun being there, watching the kids play, getting lots of cuddles, the constant picking on Shane (and him picking on me of course), the HUGE dinners that Serena goes 'all out' on and the constant trips shopping. Never before have i known someone that needs to go shopping so much - the woman needs to just move into the shopping center i think :P
It was sad to come home early, but with the impending Cyclone headed for our region, i figured it was best to come home and make sure everything is ok. So picked up the random things around the yard, roof has been taken off the kids cubby house - since it hadn't been screwed on - and the wet towels on the line will just have to stay there til i can rewash them to dry. I'm exhausted beyond belief but how boring is sleep lol
James took me to my dr appt today to book another scan next Tuesday at 10am - hopefully we can see our little bean and a nice strong heartbeat.... i keep dreading something might happen before then and i'll lose this baby :( I'm excited James is going to be there with Kailee n I tho, so thats definately a positive. Hopefully they dont poke n prod me so hard that i end up bruised again lol We then went shopping down the bay, had hotdogs for lunch n i bought a new handbag and purse and home now to rest.
It's funny how we go on holidays and the plan is to relax, and while thats pretty much all i did was relax - i'm exhausted and feel like i need a holiday from my holiday lol Kailee is spending time with my parents and driving down to Brisbane on Wednesday to pick up our old Japanese exchange student (from when i was pregnant with Kailee) from the airport for a visit for a week. So i have the house to myself and plenty of time to sleep - i should really take advantage of it, so until later....
Well i had an absolute blast spending time with my other family - the Evans' in Caboolture. It's always fun being there, watching the kids play, getting lots of cuddles, the constant picking on Shane (and him picking on me of course), the HUGE dinners that Serena goes 'all out' on and the constant trips shopping. Never before have i known someone that needs to go shopping so much - the woman needs to just move into the shopping center i think :P
It was sad to come home early, but with the impending Cyclone headed for our region, i figured it was best to come home and make sure everything is ok. So picked up the random things around the yard, roof has been taken off the kids cubby house - since it hadn't been screwed on - and the wet towels on the line will just have to stay there til i can rewash them to dry. I'm exhausted beyond belief but how boring is sleep lol
James took me to my dr appt today to book another scan next Tuesday at 10am - hopefully we can see our little bean and a nice strong heartbeat.... i keep dreading something might happen before then and i'll lose this baby :( I'm excited James is going to be there with Kailee n I tho, so thats definately a positive. Hopefully they dont poke n prod me so hard that i end up bruised again lol We then went shopping down the bay, had hotdogs for lunch n i bought a new handbag and purse and home now to rest.
It's funny how we go on holidays and the plan is to relax, and while thats pretty much all i did was relax - i'm exhausted and feel like i need a holiday from my holiday lol Kailee is spending time with my parents and driving down to Brisbane on Wednesday to pick up our old Japanese exchange student (from when i was pregnant with Kailee) from the airport for a visit for a week. So i have the house to myself and plenty of time to sleep - i should really take advantage of it, so until later....
Monday, March 2, 2009
He told her :s
Monday 02.03.09
So James told his mother i'm pregnant and she didnt explode and yell and scream as we both feared. She just said "oh well" as far as James told me. I dont know whether to be relieved or worried. Worried that she's quietly got something in her head, worried she'll make a public scene when she sees me next, worried she'll try and fight me for my child - i know she doesn't think highly of me, but if she tries she'll have one fight on her hands. I won't hand over any child of mine. Hopefully all this worrying is for nothing tho, and she's just going to accept it and move on. James is going to be supportive while i'm pregnant and this is going to be OUR baby. As for her seeing this child, there's gonna need to be some serious apologies given to me before that happens. I'll NEVER stop James being near his child, but i wont have her disrespect me and want to see her grandchild. I've seen the way she is in front of both James' and my kids.... i dont want that for this baby. It seriously scares me.
Now James on the other hand has been great the past few days. We've been talking, and getting along well. It's an improvement, and hopefully the trip away did him a world of good. He seems less stressed and less shocked about having another baby. So hopefully things are looking up for us - not getting back together, but thats ok. All that matters is we're doing things for this baby together. I couldn't ask for much more than that :D I can't wait til my next scan in a couple wks, when James can finally be there to see the baby. Finally we'll be able to see a bit more than a blob and even see more than just a flicker of a heartbeat lol The first trimester goes soooooooo slow, but i'm over 1/2 way already, it needs to just go faster lol
So James told his mother i'm pregnant and she didnt explode and yell and scream as we both feared. She just said "oh well" as far as James told me. I dont know whether to be relieved or worried. Worried that she's quietly got something in her head, worried she'll make a public scene when she sees me next, worried she'll try and fight me for my child - i know she doesn't think highly of me, but if she tries she'll have one fight on her hands. I won't hand over any child of mine. Hopefully all this worrying is for nothing tho, and she's just going to accept it and move on. James is going to be supportive while i'm pregnant and this is going to be OUR baby. As for her seeing this child, there's gonna need to be some serious apologies given to me before that happens. I'll NEVER stop James being near his child, but i wont have her disrespect me and want to see her grandchild. I've seen the way she is in front of both James' and my kids.... i dont want that for this baby. It seriously scares me.
Now James on the other hand has been great the past few days. We've been talking, and getting along well. It's an improvement, and hopefully the trip away did him a world of good. He seems less stressed and less shocked about having another baby. So hopefully things are looking up for us - not getting back together, but thats ok. All that matters is we're doing things for this baby together. I couldn't ask for much more than that :D I can't wait til my next scan in a couple wks, when James can finally be there to see the baby. Finally we'll be able to see a bit more than a blob and even see more than just a flicker of a heartbeat lol The first trimester goes soooooooo slow, but i'm over 1/2 way already, it needs to just go faster lol
Saturday, February 28, 2009
There's light behind the clouds
Sunday 01.03.09
After a rough week last week, things are gradually looking better. James and I aren't fighting anymore thank heavens. We're talking, being nice and honest with each other and understanding of one another. That's all i can really ask for. So many ppl think i'm stupid for wanting him there at appointments, ultrasounds, and the birth but at the end of the day it's what "I" want. We talked about having a baby together, we tried for a baby together (even if his heart wasn't in it in the end) and now we're having a baby. My feelings haven't changed. This is our baby together, and i want him to be there to share in it. I've been single and pregnant before - tho that time i didnt want Jake (Kailee's 'sperm donor') anywhere near me. He was never interested in anything to do with his unborn child - it was all about him. James on the other hand, he confuses me some days, stresses me others, but at the end of the day i know i can rely on him if he tells me he'll be there. Sure things aren't gonna be as easy, remembering that although we're doing this together, we're not together as such. I can't turn my feelings off, i can't stop loving him, but i'm grateful he wants to be involved with this baby. I don't want to do another pregnancy on my own - though if i have to i will. I'd just prefer not to.
Sometimes it's hard hearing other pregnant women talking about how involved and loving their husbands and partners are, i feel like i'm missing out. It's still early days tho, so plenty of time for James to be involved. I guess there's not much he can do atm its just all hormones hormones hormones these days..... with the odd craving for vegetables lol Maybe all this time with James being in NSW has given me time to think. Space we've both needed to clear our heads. I'm looking forward to him getting back and us talking and what not. He wants to be at my next u/s at about 8wks, so i'm happy bout that. It was great having Mum, my sister Sarah and Kailee at the last one (this past Friday, which was 6wks) but it wasn't the same just telling him about the ultrasound, or sending him pictures. I've never had a partner (or ex for that matter) to be excited with about having a baby, so i'm kinda looking forward to sharing this with James - tho we've split up. I really hope things dont change and we can continue to be happy and nice to one another - we're in this together, we've gotta be on the same side.
So the storm clouds are breaking and there's some light behind those clouds. Things aren't looking so depressing - or maybe today is just a good day :D
After a rough week last week, things are gradually looking better. James and I aren't fighting anymore thank heavens. We're talking, being nice and honest with each other and understanding of one another. That's all i can really ask for. So many ppl think i'm stupid for wanting him there at appointments, ultrasounds, and the birth but at the end of the day it's what "I" want. We talked about having a baby together, we tried for a baby together (even if his heart wasn't in it in the end) and now we're having a baby. My feelings haven't changed. This is our baby together, and i want him to be there to share in it. I've been single and pregnant before - tho that time i didnt want Jake (Kailee's 'sperm donor') anywhere near me. He was never interested in anything to do with his unborn child - it was all about him. James on the other hand, he confuses me some days, stresses me others, but at the end of the day i know i can rely on him if he tells me he'll be there. Sure things aren't gonna be as easy, remembering that although we're doing this together, we're not together as such. I can't turn my feelings off, i can't stop loving him, but i'm grateful he wants to be involved with this baby. I don't want to do another pregnancy on my own - though if i have to i will. I'd just prefer not to.
Sometimes it's hard hearing other pregnant women talking about how involved and loving their husbands and partners are, i feel like i'm missing out. It's still early days tho, so plenty of time for James to be involved. I guess there's not much he can do atm its just all hormones hormones hormones these days..... with the odd craving for vegetables lol Maybe all this time with James being in NSW has given me time to think. Space we've both needed to clear our heads. I'm looking forward to him getting back and us talking and what not. He wants to be at my next u/s at about 8wks, so i'm happy bout that. It was great having Mum, my sister Sarah and Kailee at the last one (this past Friday, which was 6wks) but it wasn't the same just telling him about the ultrasound, or sending him pictures. I've never had a partner (or ex for that matter) to be excited with about having a baby, so i'm kinda looking forward to sharing this with James - tho we've split up. I really hope things dont change and we can continue to be happy and nice to one another - we're in this together, we've gotta be on the same side.
So the storm clouds are breaking and there's some light behind those clouds. Things aren't looking so depressing - or maybe today is just a good day :D
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Exhausted
Thursday 26.02.09
These past few days have been exhausting, both physically AND emotionally. I wont go into details, but i'm bout at the point where i want to scream! Some people are still being "downers" and saying horrible things. What did i expect tho - not everyone is happy and i'm sure it's only going to get worse once James tells his family i'm pregnant. Not my biggest fans at all. It's crazy tho, i'm that exhausted i can't seem to drag myself out of bed in the mornings and within an hour of waking up i want to go straight back to sleep. Tho at nitetimes i can't seem to sleep. Somehow i need to get my body clock back into some kinda routine.
I'm off to visit the folks for a couple days tomorrow which will be nice. I need to pay for my train ticket to go to Brisbane next week and spend time with my other family - the Evans' family! Then i have Sarah's baby shower and home again. So much running around i have to do tomorrow tho, centrelink (and hand in a form they already have - stupid ppl), post a bday gift to the U.S. and hopefully sleep. I could do with a whole year of it lol
I have good and bad days - sometimes the stress of everything just seems to get to me and i want to scream. I had a meltdown the other nite cuz i couldn't take it anymore. I dont know what to do, or what the heck i'm fighting for anymore. I'm alone now and i dont see that changing anytime in the next 8mths, regardless of how many times i tell James i want him involved in this pregnancy and OUR baby. So i figure i can't make him, so i'm going to step back and when he's ready to be involved he'll take that step. If he doesn't, then i'm sure i can pull through.
Time to get this body clock back into shape...... it's midnite and i need to sleep!! Sooo excited, my first u/s (ultrasound) is tomorrow (Friday), not getting my hopes up too much as we might not see anything, but fingers crossed we might spot a heartbeat. I'm sure i'll update here as soon as i have time after the scan - thank heavens this past week just flew by and i didn't have to wait long :)
These past few days have been exhausting, both physically AND emotionally. I wont go into details, but i'm bout at the point where i want to scream! Some people are still being "downers" and saying horrible things. What did i expect tho - not everyone is happy and i'm sure it's only going to get worse once James tells his family i'm pregnant. Not my biggest fans at all. It's crazy tho, i'm that exhausted i can't seem to drag myself out of bed in the mornings and within an hour of waking up i want to go straight back to sleep. Tho at nitetimes i can't seem to sleep. Somehow i need to get my body clock back into some kinda routine.
I'm off to visit the folks for a couple days tomorrow which will be nice. I need to pay for my train ticket to go to Brisbane next week and spend time with my other family - the Evans' family! Then i have Sarah's baby shower and home again. So much running around i have to do tomorrow tho, centrelink (and hand in a form they already have - stupid ppl), post a bday gift to the U.S. and hopefully sleep. I could do with a whole year of it lol
I have good and bad days - sometimes the stress of everything just seems to get to me and i want to scream. I had a meltdown the other nite cuz i couldn't take it anymore. I dont know what to do, or what the heck i'm fighting for anymore. I'm alone now and i dont see that changing anytime in the next 8mths, regardless of how many times i tell James i want him involved in this pregnancy and OUR baby. So i figure i can't make him, so i'm going to step back and when he's ready to be involved he'll take that step. If he doesn't, then i'm sure i can pull through.
Time to get this body clock back into shape...... it's midnite and i need to sleep!! Sooo excited, my first u/s (ultrasound) is tomorrow (Friday), not getting my hopes up too much as we might not see anything, but fingers crossed we might spot a heartbeat. I'm sure i'll update here as soon as i have time after the scan - thank heavens this past week just flew by and i didn't have to wait long :)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Army Wives
Friday 20.02.09
Thanks to my wonderful friend Serena, i'm officially hooked on this show after only watching ONE episode!! It's not usually my type of show either. I'm into the crime shows like CSI and Law & Order. I don't think i've ever even sat through more than one episode of Greys Anatomy lol But i dont see this show in the same category as all these other shows. It's not tacky, it's full of emotion, drama and suspense. Now, seriously... i need to get a life lol Like my mother has always told me, it's just a tv show!! Now i dont know what real Army Wives' families are like, but if it's anything like this, damn i feel for them!!
Maybe i'm a sucker for reality tv and anything that portrays something close to the real thing is a winner for me. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes each episode it just like life - full of ups and downs and not knowing where ur headed. If only life gave us an instruction manual! If only my wireless wasn't so slow, i could've watched all of the episodes by now rather than only watching one a day if that. What am i gonna do with myself when there's no more episodes to watch, i'm gonna go insane!!
So, for while it lasts, i'm gonna indulge in my latest addiction... and rejoice in the fact it wont make me add any weight around those areas i have more than enough already lol God surely knows i got plenty of that "excess-ness" happening between now and October :P
Thanks to my wonderful friend Serena, i'm officially hooked on this show after only watching ONE episode!! It's not usually my type of show either. I'm into the crime shows like CSI and Law & Order. I don't think i've ever even sat through more than one episode of Greys Anatomy lol But i dont see this show in the same category as all these other shows. It's not tacky, it's full of emotion, drama and suspense. Now, seriously... i need to get a life lol Like my mother has always told me, it's just a tv show!! Now i dont know what real Army Wives' families are like, but if it's anything like this, damn i feel for them!!
Maybe i'm a sucker for reality tv and anything that portrays something close to the real thing is a winner for me. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes each episode it just like life - full of ups and downs and not knowing where ur headed. If only life gave us an instruction manual! If only my wireless wasn't so slow, i could've watched all of the episodes by now rather than only watching one a day if that. What am i gonna do with myself when there's no more episodes to watch, i'm gonna go insane!!
So, for while it lasts, i'm gonna indulge in my latest addiction... and rejoice in the fact it wont make me add any weight around those areas i have more than enough already lol God surely knows i got plenty of that "excess-ness" happening between now and October :P
Mixed Emotions
Thursday 19.02.09
I don't know how i ever got through the first trimester of my pregnancy with Kailee without worrying so much. Maybe i didn't know as much i do these days - but I'm going insane. I'm trying to be excited, I'm bringing a new life into the world in 8mths. It's so hard tho, when James is so down and depressed about this all. Sure, i understand this isn't what he expected but it's happened and now we need to accept it and go from here. Every time i talk to him i get the feeling he resents me, like i did this behind his back or something. We were both equal parties in this, both discussing having a baby, etc. Little did i know he wasn't serious like i may have been. At the end of the day tho, I'm pregnant now and we're having a baby. Surely there's something in there to be happy about - i just wish James could find it. It's hard for me to be happy when i feel like I'm ruining his life :(
My morning sickness has eased, i can stomach some foods - tho not everything right now. The heartburn has gone, thanks to my wonderful 3.5yo daughter Kailee praying for me, i can honestly say i was instantly healed. It's amazing the faith our children have and the miracles they can perform! I'm so glad we've taught her to pray and believe in God. Now the only thing that hasn't been easing, is the stretching pains.... funny how i didn't notice them with my first pregnancy, but they are constant now with my 2nd. The pains aren't too extreme so nothing I'm worrying about - tho I'm eager to have my first ultrasound (u/s) to see that the baby is where s/he is supposed to be and confirm my due date. Maybe even see a heartbeat as well. I'm impatient and wish i could go now lol Maybe at tomorrow's Dr appt i will see about going in the following week and getting an u/s referral. I just hope the next week flys by so i can see my little "blob" on the screen.
After having a really crappy, down nite last nite, i took my last FRER (First Response Early Result) pregnancy test and felt a whole lot better after seeing the line. Considering a week ago the test line was faint - but definitely there. Now looking at a test there really only is a test line - its stealing all the dye from the control line. So that's definitely a good sign my HSG (pregnancy hormone) levels are increasing as they probably should. It's amazing, there's so much to stress about, over analyze and worry over when it comes to being pregnant. And time just drags on..... How am i going to get through another 6.5wks of this?? Someone keep me occupied. Please?!?
So as my leaving gift to u all (for putting up with reading all my depressing, random bloggings) here's my last pregnancy test. Hopefully i wont subject you to anymore lol Maybe :P
I don't know how i ever got through the first trimester of my pregnancy with Kailee without worrying so much. Maybe i didn't know as much i do these days - but I'm going insane. I'm trying to be excited, I'm bringing a new life into the world in 8mths. It's so hard tho, when James is so down and depressed about this all. Sure, i understand this isn't what he expected but it's happened and now we need to accept it and go from here. Every time i talk to him i get the feeling he resents me, like i did this behind his back or something. We were both equal parties in this, both discussing having a baby, etc. Little did i know he wasn't serious like i may have been. At the end of the day tho, I'm pregnant now and we're having a baby. Surely there's something in there to be happy about - i just wish James could find it. It's hard for me to be happy when i feel like I'm ruining his life :(
My morning sickness has eased, i can stomach some foods - tho not everything right now. The heartburn has gone, thanks to my wonderful 3.5yo daughter Kailee praying for me, i can honestly say i was instantly healed. It's amazing the faith our children have and the miracles they can perform! I'm so glad we've taught her to pray and believe in God. Now the only thing that hasn't been easing, is the stretching pains.... funny how i didn't notice them with my first pregnancy, but they are constant now with my 2nd. The pains aren't too extreme so nothing I'm worrying about - tho I'm eager to have my first ultrasound (u/s) to see that the baby is where s/he is supposed to be and confirm my due date. Maybe even see a heartbeat as well. I'm impatient and wish i could go now lol Maybe at tomorrow's Dr appt i will see about going in the following week and getting an u/s referral. I just hope the next week flys by so i can see my little "blob" on the screen.
After having a really crappy, down nite last nite, i took my last FRER (First Response Early Result) pregnancy test and felt a whole lot better after seeing the line. Considering a week ago the test line was faint - but definitely there. Now looking at a test there really only is a test line - its stealing all the dye from the control line. So that's definitely a good sign my HSG (pregnancy hormone) levels are increasing as they probably should. It's amazing, there's so much to stress about, over analyze and worry over when it comes to being pregnant. And time just drags on..... How am i going to get through another 6.5wks of this?? Someone keep me occupied. Please?!?
So as my leaving gift to u all (for putting up with reading all my depressing, random bloggings) here's my last pregnancy test. Hopefully i wont subject you to anymore lol Maybe :P
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
POAS obsession
Wednesday 18.02.09
Well as the title states - there is such a thing as POAS obsession... and for those wondering what POAS means, it stands for "Pee On A Stick" - in otherwords the taking of a home pregnancy test (HPT). For all those mums out there, you'll know exactly what i mean! You may have taken one or two, or four maybe but some of us aren't nearly as controlled. I won't begin to admit the amount of HPT's i have taken since last week when finding out i was pregnant but i can assure you its prolly nowhere near as many as some women i've seen or spoken to online. Generally the pattern fits for those whom are TTC (Trying To Conceive) n are sure to obsess over anything n everything, including peeing on a stick lol
So wat better than to make some fancy graphic outta my bean #2's pee sticks (just for u again Nate - all in preparation for when u someday have kids). So after some fiddling around with PSP (Paint Shop Pro), this is what i finished with...
N.B. Have u ever noticed how many abbreviations i use when referring to TTC , HPTs, POAS, etc. Slack much?
Well as the title states - there is such a thing as POAS obsession... and for those wondering what POAS means, it stands for "Pee On A Stick" - in otherwords the taking of a home pregnancy test (HPT). For all those mums out there, you'll know exactly what i mean! You may have taken one or two, or four maybe but some of us aren't nearly as controlled. I won't begin to admit the amount of HPT's i have taken since last week when finding out i was pregnant but i can assure you its prolly nowhere near as many as some women i've seen or spoken to online. Generally the pattern fits for those whom are TTC (Trying To Conceive) n are sure to obsess over anything n everything, including peeing on a stick lol
So wat better than to make some fancy graphic outta my bean #2's pee sticks (just for u again Nate - all in preparation for when u someday have kids). So after some fiddling around with PSP (Paint Shop Pro), this is what i finished with...
N.B. Have u ever noticed how many abbreviations i use when referring to TTC , HPTs, POAS, etc. Slack much?
Morning Sickness Sucks!
Wednesday 18.02.09
Well what can i say, morning sickness sucks! I dont think it should really be called morning sickness either.... something more along the lines of "all day nausea" or "gag at the thought of ur once favourite foods". How awful, feeling like u've just had a HUGE nite on the grog (alcohol), and want to throw up.... only to not be able to. I feel hungry and know i need to eat, tho i cant bear the thought of eating anything at all. Once again (like i did when pregnant with Kailee) i can't stand the thought of eating red meat, and much to my sadness i'm going off dairy already. Im not a HUGE dairy fan but sometimes i just love a nice cold Iced Coffee and i cant even bare to drink half a bottle of that now. What is this bean of a baby doing to me lol
I'm getting better at being able to sleep now... i'm not up til 3 or 4am anymore (tho it is after 1am now as i type this) but am completely exhausted by about 4pm. Last nite i crashed in bed at about 6pm only to wake at 8.30 and find Kailee asleep on her bedroom floor with her blanket n pillow watching a movie. Poor thing didnt wake me wanting dinner - i felt awful! I guess i didnt quite expect to be single and pregnant again, so it's something i'm gonna have to work a routine around lol Kailee's been awesome tho, she understands i'm not feeling well and has been really well behaved. She's definitely going to make an awesome big sister!!
Now hopefully this morning sickness doesn't stick around for long - poor mum has it again (in sympathy for me i guess, like she did when i was pregnant with Kailee) but not as bad this time around. With Kailee i didnt get it at all. I think i'd prefer to throw up and feel a little better. Or at least find something that settles my stomach - these ginger biscuits aren't doing a thing :(
Oh well, for now sleep is the only cure and i think it sounds damn good right about now. So til tomorrow or later this week :D
Well what can i say, morning sickness sucks! I dont think it should really be called morning sickness either.... something more along the lines of "all day nausea" or "gag at the thought of ur once favourite foods". How awful, feeling like u've just had a HUGE nite on the grog (alcohol), and want to throw up.... only to not be able to. I feel hungry and know i need to eat, tho i cant bear the thought of eating anything at all. Once again (like i did when pregnant with Kailee) i can't stand the thought of eating red meat, and much to my sadness i'm going off dairy already. Im not a HUGE dairy fan but sometimes i just love a nice cold Iced Coffee and i cant even bare to drink half a bottle of that now. What is this bean of a baby doing to me lol
I'm getting better at being able to sleep now... i'm not up til 3 or 4am anymore (tho it is after 1am now as i type this) but am completely exhausted by about 4pm. Last nite i crashed in bed at about 6pm only to wake at 8.30 and find Kailee asleep on her bedroom floor with her blanket n pillow watching a movie. Poor thing didnt wake me wanting dinner - i felt awful! I guess i didnt quite expect to be single and pregnant again, so it's something i'm gonna have to work a routine around lol Kailee's been awesome tho, she understands i'm not feeling well and has been really well behaved. She's definitely going to make an awesome big sister!!
Now hopefully this morning sickness doesn't stick around for long - poor mum has it again (in sympathy for me i guess, like she did when i was pregnant with Kailee) but not as bad this time around. With Kailee i didnt get it at all. I think i'd prefer to throw up and feel a little better. Or at least find something that settles my stomach - these ginger biscuits aren't doing a thing :(
Oh well, for now sleep is the only cure and i think it sounds damn good right about now. So til tomorrow or later this week :D
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
*Shocked*
Thursday 12.02.09
Well, yesterday was a bit of a shocker. Since James leaving, i've been trying to convince myself that there is no chance we caught the egg this month (conceived) and that my period would show soon, she's just running late. Finally tho i caved and tested, within not even 30 seconds the positive line started showing up. I was shocked!! I told my sister, who told my mum, who then come out and picked me up so i could go to the dr for a blood test to confirm i am in fact knocked up! So, those test results come back tomorrow and i'll find out for sure then, tho there's no disputing it as i've bought another test and taken it yesterday afternoon. So surely, if u get a BFP (big fat positive) in the middle of the arvo, ur preg - no denying it. My friends and family are shocked but so supportive which is fantastic. James on the other hand is shocked and well.... not so supportive at this point. I think he just wants space to process it all, but i guess he should expected it, since we WERE actively trying for a baby. Crappy timing tho, this bean was conceived around the time James told me he wanted to move out - only 3 days before breaking up with me. Talk about a damn mess lol
So, i'm thinking positive. God has a plan in here somewhere and this little bean is nothing short of a miracle from above. I've been a single pregnant mum to be before, and i'll do it again - might be a tad harder with a 4yo in tow tho lol Hopefully James comes around and is alot more supportive.... i'd like for him to be involved with his baby, but if he chooses otherwise, i'll accept that and do the best i can either way! So i've now added my pregnancy ticker to my blog, for everyone to see what my little bean is up to atm.... nothing exciting as yet, just growing some limbs. :P
Here are my wonderful pee sticks i have been torturing Nateo with (Gotta love a fresh pee stick Nate!)
So it's pretty much official, i'm pregnant guys. Due October 19th (roughly). I'll update about the drs appointment tomorrow!! xxx
Well, yesterday was a bit of a shocker. Since James leaving, i've been trying to convince myself that there is no chance we caught the egg this month (conceived) and that my period would show soon, she's just running late. Finally tho i caved and tested, within not even 30 seconds the positive line started showing up. I was shocked!! I told my sister, who told my mum, who then come out and picked me up so i could go to the dr for a blood test to confirm i am in fact knocked up! So, those test results come back tomorrow and i'll find out for sure then, tho there's no disputing it as i've bought another test and taken it yesterday afternoon. So surely, if u get a BFP (big fat positive) in the middle of the arvo, ur preg - no denying it. My friends and family are shocked but so supportive which is fantastic. James on the other hand is shocked and well.... not so supportive at this point. I think he just wants space to process it all, but i guess he should expected it, since we WERE actively trying for a baby. Crappy timing tho, this bean was conceived around the time James told me he wanted to move out - only 3 days before breaking up with me. Talk about a damn mess lol
So, i'm thinking positive. God has a plan in here somewhere and this little bean is nothing short of a miracle from above. I've been a single pregnant mum to be before, and i'll do it again - might be a tad harder with a 4yo in tow tho lol Hopefully James comes around and is alot more supportive.... i'd like for him to be involved with his baby, but if he chooses otherwise, i'll accept that and do the best i can either way! So i've now added my pregnancy ticker to my blog, for everyone to see what my little bean is up to atm.... nothing exciting as yet, just growing some limbs. :P
Here are my wonderful pee sticks i have been torturing Nateo with (Gotta love a fresh pee stick Nate!)
So it's pretty much official, i'm pregnant guys. Due October 19th (roughly). I'll update about the drs appointment tomorrow!! xxx
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Hairy-ness??
Wednesday 11.02.09
While talking to a really good friend of mine, whom i haven't really spoken to in a couple years... who knows why, we've been friends for about 10yrs now *shocked*. And while venting and letting some stuff out thats frustrating me atm and just kinda dumping it all on him (good thing Nateo has broad shoulders or i'd be screwed!!) he made me realise...... the guys i date are all relatively the same. They look the same, sometimes act the same, its like they are made from the same mould.... with only little changes. Strange!!
Now i can't say that i hadn't noticed.... cuz i had! Outta my 3 more serious relationships i'd had (Josh, Raymond & James) they were all fairly the same. Goaties, stocky guys, funny, and had me smitten. And of course throw Nateo in there as well, as he'd fit right on in with those 3 guys and u might as well say i have a "type". Nateo tells me i like hairy guys and God is "grooming my hairy husband" which is funny, cuz i'd like my man to be a little hairy.... not like an ape where i cant see any skin at all :P These guys all like the same kinda music (or at least did at one point or another) n think much the same. So what's going on??
Maybe i just love the look of a masculine stocky man with facial hair that listens to heavy/depressing (i wanna kill myself) kinda music lol A guy thats either into computers or cars. Someone that eventually will break my heart (all with the exception of Nate - i broke his and still feel horrible i did it. Sorry Nate!!). Is there any chance in life that i'll look for someone to spend my life with that doesn't fit into this mould? I dont think i could ever see myself with someone skinny (seriously not my thing, anyone that knows me knows im a chubby chaser :P)...... If where i'm going wrong is choosing these sorts of guys, then maybe i need to find me a skinny guy that might not wanna just play games with me. Guess only time will tell and only God knows what will happen. For now tho, lets hope hes got some hair.... i dont want me no girly man!!
P.S. Thanks for the chat Nate, u've genuinely made me laugh and its been a while since i have, things have gotta me looking up. U've always been my best friend, ur awesome!! *hugs*
While talking to a really good friend of mine, whom i haven't really spoken to in a couple years... who knows why, we've been friends for about 10yrs now *shocked*. And while venting and letting some stuff out thats frustrating me atm and just kinda dumping it all on him (good thing Nateo has broad shoulders or i'd be screwed!!) he made me realise...... the guys i date are all relatively the same. They look the same, sometimes act the same, its like they are made from the same mould.... with only little changes. Strange!!
Now i can't say that i hadn't noticed.... cuz i had! Outta my 3 more serious relationships i'd had (Josh, Raymond & James) they were all fairly the same. Goaties, stocky guys, funny, and had me smitten. And of course throw Nateo in there as well, as he'd fit right on in with those 3 guys and u might as well say i have a "type". Nateo tells me i like hairy guys and God is "grooming my hairy husband" which is funny, cuz i'd like my man to be a little hairy.... not like an ape where i cant see any skin at all :P These guys all like the same kinda music (or at least did at one point or another) n think much the same. So what's going on??
Maybe i just love the look of a masculine stocky man with facial hair that listens to heavy/depressing (i wanna kill myself) kinda music lol A guy thats either into computers or cars. Someone that eventually will break my heart (all with the exception of Nate - i broke his and still feel horrible i did it. Sorry Nate!!). Is there any chance in life that i'll look for someone to spend my life with that doesn't fit into this mould? I dont think i could ever see myself with someone skinny (seriously not my thing, anyone that knows me knows im a chubby chaser :P)...... If where i'm going wrong is choosing these sorts of guys, then maybe i need to find me a skinny guy that might not wanna just play games with me. Guess only time will tell and only God knows what will happen. For now tho, lets hope hes got some hair.... i dont want me no girly man!!
P.S. Thanks for the chat Nate, u've genuinely made me laugh and its been a while since i have, things have gotta me looking up. U've always been my best friend, ur awesome!! *hugs*
Prospects
Sunday 08.02.09
They say as one door closes another door opens, so now that the door to my relationship with James is closed, where will the next open door lead? As much as i love being single, I want to settle down, surely there's someone out there for me!?! I don't want to be alone forever, but i dont want to settle for someone i don't love either. I know i'm supposed to have faith God has someone for me but I dont want to be 40 before i meet that someone! Why am i so impatient when life has so many unseen prospects for me?!?
They say as one door closes another door opens, so now that the door to my relationship with James is closed, where will the next open door lead? As much as i love being single, I want to settle down, surely there's someone out there for me!?! I don't want to be alone forever, but i dont want to settle for someone i don't love either. I know i'm supposed to have faith God has someone for me but I dont want to be 40 before i meet that someone! Why am i so impatient when life has so many unseen prospects for me?!?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Favourites
Thursday 05.02.09
Here are a couple of my favourite photos. I'll add more as i edit them.
An innocent Kailee
Christmas Day Kailee
Me, Kailee & Aunty Serena
Here are a couple of my favourite photos. I'll add more as i edit them.
An innocent Kailee
Christmas Day Kailee
Me, Kailee & Aunty Serena
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Hanging out
Thursday 05.02.09
Well i spent yesterday hanging out with James, and today when we went into the dreaded Centrelink lol It was nice to just hang out without the stress of our relationship failing, bills, money, etc etc etc. Though i swear we're not supposed to watch that horror movie "See No Evil". We tried watching it again and it constantly skipped throughout the whole first 30-45mins of it. So we gave up and ended up watching some rubbish on tv as usual. It felt much more relaxed and was nice to just chill out together. Sometimes it doesn't feel like we've split up but for the most part, its definately obvious. It's awesome he's still there to help out, whether it be taking me into town or spending time with Kailee etc. I'm amazed at myself how well i'm coping atm, maybe i just cried it all out the first few days and now i'm accepting things. I just hope that its not just me in denial and then i come crashing down again soon :(
Either way, things are ok at the moment and that's all that matters :)
Well i spent yesterday hanging out with James, and today when we went into the dreaded Centrelink lol It was nice to just hang out without the stress of our relationship failing, bills, money, etc etc etc. Though i swear we're not supposed to watch that horror movie "See No Evil". We tried watching it again and it constantly skipped throughout the whole first 30-45mins of it. So we gave up and ended up watching some rubbish on tv as usual. It felt much more relaxed and was nice to just chill out together. Sometimes it doesn't feel like we've split up but for the most part, its definately obvious. It's awesome he's still there to help out, whether it be taking me into town or spending time with Kailee etc. I'm amazed at myself how well i'm coping atm, maybe i just cried it all out the first few days and now i'm accepting things. I just hope that its not just me in denial and then i come crashing down again soon :(
Either way, things are ok at the moment and that's all that matters :)
Centrelink: Friend or Foe?
Thursday 05.02.09
Now for those that done know what or who Centrelink is.... "Centrelink is a government agency delivering a range of Commonwealth services to the Australian community. If you need financial support in the form of a pension, benefit or allowance". And for those that still have no idea what that means, it's the government's way of supporting low income families, families with disbilities and single parent families.
Now as awesome as the concept of "Centrelink" is great, the amount of running around they make you do is just shocking. I was told that i'd need to sign and hand back in some forms with details of me and James separating and the details of a couple friends that could verify the split etc and that i wouldn't need an appointment time made, i could just walk in and get one. So that's what happened..... tho i had to wait 1hr 45mins just for someone to call my name and go through my signed form. You got to be kidding me right!! Tho the appt only took about 30mins to finalise and get approved for my single parent payment, i was in that Centrelink office for over 2hrs. Something that should've taken 45mins max!
So finally, everything is sorted. I'm getting the right amount of payments for being a single parent (rather than a partnered parent, as i was). Now i just need to focus on moving. I'm not so stressed about that, YET! I'm sure moving towns isn't gonna be a piece of cake, but i have me some awesome friends that i know will make the move as awesome as possible! I can't wait to see what possibilities the move to a new place may bring....
Now for those that done know what or who Centrelink is.... "Centrelink is a government agency delivering a range of Commonwealth services to the Australian community. If you need financial support in the form of a pension, benefit or allowance". And for those that still have no idea what that means, it's the government's way of supporting low income families, families with disbilities and single parent families.
Now as awesome as the concept of "Centrelink" is great, the amount of running around they make you do is just shocking. I was told that i'd need to sign and hand back in some forms with details of me and James separating and the details of a couple friends that could verify the split etc and that i wouldn't need an appointment time made, i could just walk in and get one. So that's what happened..... tho i had to wait 1hr 45mins just for someone to call my name and go through my signed form. You got to be kidding me right!! Tho the appt only took about 30mins to finalise and get approved for my single parent payment, i was in that Centrelink office for over 2hrs. Something that should've taken 45mins max!
So finally, everything is sorted. I'm getting the right amount of payments for being a single parent (rather than a partnered parent, as i was). Now i just need to focus on moving. I'm not so stressed about that, YET! I'm sure moving towns isn't gonna be a piece of cake, but i have me some awesome friends that i know will make the move as awesome as possible! I can't wait to see what possibilities the move to a new place may bring....
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Single Friends
Tuesday 03.02.09
I have a few single and amazing friends - why the heck are they single? 2 in particular stand out the most to me, an amazing friend i've had for a couple years since year 11 at high school. He's funny, amazing, uplifting and a joy to talk to and be around. He has the kindest heart and the most sincere personality - what the heck are girls thinking when they see him? I just don't get it. My heart breaks when he's so down cuz of some girl that wont reciprocate his feelings..... i want to see him happy, he's one of my closest friends and he sure deserves a girl that will make him feel like he means something to her. Hopefully he can wait for his "miss right" and not forget that he's certainly enough for what she needs!
There's a another guy i went to school with and tho i dont know him much, he's been one of the only ppl thats spoken to me while going through this whole James thing. It might not be much but telling me about silly little things he does makes me laugh. Sometimes it's nice to have a friend who will try and make u feel better without wanting all the details of ur life's drama or to tell u to snap outta it. Tho it's still a friendship that it building each day, it's something i can look forward to - i dont have a huge bunch of real friends... aquaintances yes, true friends no - and hopefully i can be there when he needs a swift kick in the butt to get outta a depressing mood. Those seem to just take over sometimes!! Now why this guy is still single, it puzzles me. He's funny and seems pretty straightforward and down to earth. What the heck are girls thinking in today's society?? Are they all blind??
They say its better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. But is that really true? Heartbreak seems so raw and so intense, sometimes i think it would be better to not experience it and always just keep love a "fantasy" but something we aren't actually able to grasp onto. Fair enuff, its amazing when u experience it and everything is in its "honeymoon" stage and its so fantastic! But when things become so routine and life kicks in, it doesn't seem to hold the sparkle it once did. No wonder ppl want out of relationships, or tend to stray to the greener (or so it seems) grass on the other side of the fence. If someone is worth waiting for, how long are we required to wait? And why do these other ppl come along in the time we're waiting for Mr or Miss Right only to confuse us into thinking they are "the one".
I hate seeing my friends frustrated when it comes to girls/boys and relationships in general. Why couldn't it be much more simple to work out between us and the opposite sex? Why does it have to be so damn confusing to work one another out? I dont think it should be too easy, but it doesn't need to be this hard either. If only we could all be straight with one another and know where we stand, without having to try and work it out for ourselves. *sigh* Maybe love does stink :P
I have a few single and amazing friends - why the heck are they single? 2 in particular stand out the most to me, an amazing friend i've had for a couple years since year 11 at high school. He's funny, amazing, uplifting and a joy to talk to and be around. He has the kindest heart and the most sincere personality - what the heck are girls thinking when they see him? I just don't get it. My heart breaks when he's so down cuz of some girl that wont reciprocate his feelings..... i want to see him happy, he's one of my closest friends and he sure deserves a girl that will make him feel like he means something to her. Hopefully he can wait for his "miss right" and not forget that he's certainly enough for what she needs!
There's a another guy i went to school with and tho i dont know him much, he's been one of the only ppl thats spoken to me while going through this whole James thing. It might not be much but telling me about silly little things he does makes me laugh. Sometimes it's nice to have a friend who will try and make u feel better without wanting all the details of ur life's drama or to tell u to snap outta it. Tho it's still a friendship that it building each day, it's something i can look forward to - i dont have a huge bunch of real friends... aquaintances yes, true friends no - and hopefully i can be there when he needs a swift kick in the butt to get outta a depressing mood. Those seem to just take over sometimes!! Now why this guy is still single, it puzzles me. He's funny and seems pretty straightforward and down to earth. What the heck are girls thinking in today's society?? Are they all blind??
They say its better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. But is that really true? Heartbreak seems so raw and so intense, sometimes i think it would be better to not experience it and always just keep love a "fantasy" but something we aren't actually able to grasp onto. Fair enuff, its amazing when u experience it and everything is in its "honeymoon" stage and its so fantastic! But when things become so routine and life kicks in, it doesn't seem to hold the sparkle it once did. No wonder ppl want out of relationships, or tend to stray to the greener (or so it seems) grass on the other side of the fence. If someone is worth waiting for, how long are we required to wait? And why do these other ppl come along in the time we're waiting for Mr or Miss Right only to confuse us into thinking they are "the one".
I hate seeing my friends frustrated when it comes to girls/boys and relationships in general. Why couldn't it be much more simple to work out between us and the opposite sex? Why does it have to be so damn confusing to work one another out? I dont think it should be too easy, but it doesn't need to be this hard either. If only we could all be straight with one another and know where we stand, without having to try and work it out for ourselves. *sigh* Maybe love does stink :P
Acceptance
Tuesday 03.02.09
I think i'm coming to the point where i'm accepting that things have actually ended with James. I know that no matter how much i cry or bed, we're not going to get back together. Only a miracle will make that happen. I'm trying to think of all the positives that can come of this - a new move, starting uni, fresh start in a new town, etc. It's hard not to want to shake James silly and ask him what the heck he's thinking! Why this all of a sudden? It seemed so out of the blue - but it wasn't, was it? I'll always love him even if he'll never be able to reciprocate those feelings. One day the pain will fade won't it? I really hope so! =s
I think i'm coming to the point where i'm accepting that things have actually ended with James. I know that no matter how much i cry or bed, we're not going to get back together. Only a miracle will make that happen. I'm trying to think of all the positives that can come of this - a new move, starting uni, fresh start in a new town, etc. It's hard not to want to shake James silly and ask him what the heck he's thinking! Why this all of a sudden? It seemed so out of the blue - but it wasn't, was it? I'll always love him even if he'll never be able to reciprocate those feelings. One day the pain will fade won't it? I really hope so! =s
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Coping
Saturday 31.01.09
Some days are good, some not so good! I dont want to be here where everything reminds me of how good things once were. I wish i was somewhere else - anywhere but here! I know life doesn't end cuz someone can't or won't love you back like you'd like. If i didnt have my beautiful Kailee to pull me through i dont know if i could make it to the other side of this storm. As of lunchtime today we've decided to split up and see where life takes us in the next couple months. I've decided to move Kailee and I to Caboolture and start afresh! It's something i need to do, i just wish James ws coming too - maybe one day.
I love you James, forever!! xxx
Some days are good, some not so good! I dont want to be here where everything reminds me of how good things once were. I wish i was somewhere else - anywhere but here! I know life doesn't end cuz someone can't or won't love you back like you'd like. If i didnt have my beautiful Kailee to pull me through i dont know if i could make it to the other side of this storm. As of lunchtime today we've decided to split up and see where life takes us in the next couple months. I've decided to move Kailee and I to Caboolture and start afresh! It's something i need to do, i just wish James ws coming too - maybe one day.
I love you James, forever!! xxx
Crushed
Thursday 29.01.09
Just when things seem to be going great, everything is pulled out from under you! James just told me last night that he wants to move out for a while but doesn't want to break up. I'm scare this is just a 'cover' for "I don't want to be with you anymore". I knew he was dealing with some things atm in his own head but didn't realise he'd been thinking of moving out - what a shock that was!! Why do i keep making myself vulnerable and then getting hurt? I dont want James to go anywhere but i can't make him stay either. I don't want to have to prepare myself for being single again - he says it wont happen, i'm not so sure. I hate letting my guard down, only to get trampled on. How am i going to handle not having James around? I don't want to be single! How do i explain all this to Kailee who absolutely loves James? How do i make her not feel deserted too? I don't understand how i couldn't see this coming - am i that naive? I keep feeling like maybe i don't deserve to be happy and maybe he'd be better off without me. Maybe time apart will help - i can only hope. But what if it just makes things worse? Then i have to pick myself up off the floor all over again! *sigh*
Just when things seem to be going great, everything is pulled out from under you! James just told me last night that he wants to move out for a while but doesn't want to break up. I'm scare this is just a 'cover' for "I don't want to be with you anymore". I knew he was dealing with some things atm in his own head but didn't realise he'd been thinking of moving out - what a shock that was!! Why do i keep making myself vulnerable and then getting hurt? I dont want James to go anywhere but i can't make him stay either. I don't want to have to prepare myself for being single again - he says it wont happen, i'm not so sure. I hate letting my guard down, only to get trampled on. How am i going to handle not having James around? I don't want to be single! How do i explain all this to Kailee who absolutely loves James? How do i make her not feel deserted too? I don't understand how i couldn't see this coming - am i that naive? I keep feeling like maybe i don't deserve to be happy and maybe he'd be better off without me. Maybe time apart will help - i can only hope. But what if it just makes things worse? Then i have to pick myself up off the floor all over again! *sigh*
Love
Sunday 25.01.09
Why is it so easy to fall in love with someone? Sometimes it gradually happens, sometimes you don't even notice it's happened. I can vaguely remember thinking I was falling in love with James, i was so scared of getting involved in something only to want 'out' soon after. Thank heavens i took that risk and here i am nearly 18mths later and couldn't imagine my life without him. So much for me being a commitment phobe - it's all James' fault! LOL Every girl at some point wants to get marriet, etc. But up until now the thought of it ever actually happening was scary! Now i can't imagine my life going in any other direction. I have plenty of time to get married but one thing is for sure, i know im happy, faithful, in love and nothing will change that. I've found the most amazing and fantastiv man in the world and there's no letting go! Sometimes life gets som mundane and boring but i'd never change it. The biggest thing for me is how much Kailee loves James. He'll always be her daddy, even if DNA doesn't show that. He dotes over her like his own and she's a bg daddys girl thats for sure! One of the many things Jake misses out on and we gain. I don't know how one can turn their back on their own child but Kailee has gained a daddy who chose to be there for her - not just one that is obliged. We got lucky when we found James - Praise God he messaged me online that day! When thinking about it, i'm the luckiest girl in the world and all cuz i have James beside me each and every day!
I love you James! xxx
Why is it so easy to fall in love with someone? Sometimes it gradually happens, sometimes you don't even notice it's happened. I can vaguely remember thinking I was falling in love with James, i was so scared of getting involved in something only to want 'out' soon after. Thank heavens i took that risk and here i am nearly 18mths later and couldn't imagine my life without him. So much for me being a commitment phobe - it's all James' fault! LOL Every girl at some point wants to get marriet, etc. But up until now the thought of it ever actually happening was scary! Now i can't imagine my life going in any other direction. I have plenty of time to get married but one thing is for sure, i know im happy, faithful, in love and nothing will change that. I've found the most amazing and fantastiv man in the world and there's no letting go! Sometimes life gets som mundane and boring but i'd never change it. The biggest thing for me is how much Kailee loves James. He'll always be her daddy, even if DNA doesn't show that. He dotes over her like his own and she's a bg daddys girl thats for sure! One of the many things Jake misses out on and we gain. I don't know how one can turn their back on their own child but Kailee has gained a daddy who chose to be there for her - not just one that is obliged. We got lucky when we found James - Praise God he messaged me online that day! When thinking about it, i'm the luckiest girl in the world and all cuz i have James beside me each and every day!
I love you James! xxx
Battles
Sunday 18.01.09
"Be kinder than necessary, becuase everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
Whether a battle within themselves or a battle against someone else. The above quote i found in an email and OMG how true is that. Sometimes we forget that like us, everyone is fighting a battle of their own. Though we don't have to fight this battle on our own!
"Be kinder than necessary, becuase everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
Whether a battle within themselves or a battle against someone else. The above quote i found in an email and OMG how true is that. Sometimes we forget that like us, everyone is fighting a battle of their own. Though we don't have to fight this battle on our own!
Selfishness
Saturday 17.01.09
Why si it that we feel unappreciated and we feel used etc etc. Have we ever stopped to think how we make other people feel?!? How about worthless? Insecure? How long is the list of negative ways we make others feel? Our society has become so selfish. Always looking out for number one! Have we ever stopped to think what it would be like if we have a more selfless attitude? There'd possibly be less anger, less hurt, less pain, rejection, no more lashing out at others. Where does the change begin? If i change my attitude towards people will it rub off? Only one way to find out i guess - can i tackle a challenge as great as this?......
Why si it that we feel unappreciated and we feel used etc etc. Have we ever stopped to think how we make other people feel?!? How about worthless? Insecure? How long is the list of negative ways we make others feel? Our society has become so selfish. Always looking out for number one! Have we ever stopped to think what it would be like if we have a more selfless attitude? There'd possibly be less anger, less hurt, less pain, rejection, no more lashing out at others. Where does the change begin? If i change my attitude towards people will it rub off? Only one way to find out i guess - can i tackle a challenge as great as this?......
Missing someone
Saturday 17.01.09
It's crazy how much you can miss someone when they aren't around. You realise how much you taken what you have for granted. I hate the moments i have to myself when i just think, it's usually just random depressing thoughts - but things that make u re=evaluate your life. I dread the thought of not having James to wake up next to every morning and kiss goodnight before going to sleep. I hate that our lives become so routine. Sometimes i wonder if he really wants a baby or its something he goes along with for my sake. Of course i want all these meaningful "girly" things in life - marriage, a child to the love of my life..... but i want that to be something we both want. Sure, i can hold off on the marriage thing, but why do i want the baby thing so bad? I rationalize by stating that i can get married while at uni, but havign a baby and studying is harder - and of course that's that i truely feel. I guess i'm just clucky and dont want to feel at a standstill, like my relationship is on "pause". Regardless of having a baby now or not, I just want to be with James and not feel like I'm boring him or holding him back. Maybe i need to think of ways to make him feel more appreciated and spend more time with him. So here goes nothing... BBL
It's crazy how much you can miss someone when they aren't around. You realise how much you taken what you have for granted. I hate the moments i have to myself when i just think, it's usually just random depressing thoughts - but things that make u re=evaluate your life. I dread the thought of not having James to wake up next to every morning and kiss goodnight before going to sleep. I hate that our lives become so routine. Sometimes i wonder if he really wants a baby or its something he goes along with for my sake. Of course i want all these meaningful "girly" things in life - marriage, a child to the love of my life..... but i want that to be something we both want. Sure, i can hold off on the marriage thing, but why do i want the baby thing so bad? I rationalize by stating that i can get married while at uni, but havign a baby and studying is harder - and of course that's that i truely feel. I guess i'm just clucky and dont want to feel at a standstill, like my relationship is on "pause". Regardless of having a baby now or not, I just want to be with James and not feel like I'm boring him or holding him back. Maybe i need to think of ways to make him feel more appreciated and spend more time with him. So here goes nothing... BBL
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