There's light behind the clouds

Sunday 01.03.09

After a rough week last week, things are gradually looking better. James and I aren't fighting anymore thank heavens. We're talking, being nice and honest with each other and understanding of one another. That's all i can really ask for. So many ppl think i'm stupid for wanting him there at appointments, ultrasounds, and the birth but at the end of the day it's what "I" want. We talked about having a baby together, we tried for a baby together (even if his heart wasn't in it in the end) and now we're having a baby. My feelings haven't changed. This is our baby together, and i want him to be there to share in it. I've been single and pregnant before - tho that time i didnt want Jake (Kailee's 'sperm donor') anywhere near me. He was never interested in anything to do with his unborn child - it was all about him. James on the other hand, he confuses me some days, stresses me others, but at the end of the day i know i can rely on him if he tells me he'll be there. Sure things aren't gonna be as easy, remembering that although we're doing this together, we're not together as such. I can't turn my feelings off, i can't stop loving him, but i'm grateful he wants to be involved with this baby. I don't want to do another pregnancy on my own - though if i have to i will. I'd just prefer not to.

Sometimes it's hard hearing other pregnant women talking about how involved and loving their husbands and partners are, i feel like i'm missing out. It's still early days tho, so plenty of time for James to be involved. I guess there's not much he can do atm its just all hormones hormones hormones these days..... with the odd craving for vegetables lol Maybe all this time with James being in NSW has given me time to think. Space we've both needed to clear our heads. I'm looking forward to him getting back and us talking and what not. He wants to be at my next u/s at about 8wks, so i'm happy bout that. It was great having Mum, my sister Sarah and Kailee at the last one (this past Friday, which was 6wks) but it wasn't the same just telling him about the ultrasound, or sending him pictures. I've never had a partner (or ex for that matter) to be excited with about having a baby, so i'm kinda looking forward to sharing this with James - tho we've split up. I really hope things dont change and we can continue to be happy and nice to one another - we're in this together, we've gotta be on the same side.

So the storm clouds are breaking and there's some light behind those clouds. Things aren't looking so depressing - or maybe today is just a good day :D