Sunday 01.03.09
After a rough week last week, things are gradually looking better. James and I aren't fighting anymore thank heavens. We're talking, being nice and honest with each other and understanding of one another. That's all i can really ask for. So many ppl think i'm stupid for wanting him there at appointments, ultrasounds, and the birth but at the end of the day it's what "I" want. We talked about having a baby together, we tried for a baby together (even if his heart wasn't in it in the end) and now we're having a baby. My feelings haven't changed. This is our baby together, and i want him to be there to share in it. I've been single and pregnant before - tho that time i didnt want Jake (Kailee's 'sperm donor') anywhere near me. He was never interested in anything to do with his unborn child - it was all about him. James on the other hand, he confuses me some days, stresses me others, but at the end of the day i know i can rely on him if he tells me he'll be there. Sure things aren't gonna be as easy, remembering that although we're doing this together, we're not together as such. I can't turn my feelings off, i can't stop loving him, but i'm grateful he wants to be involved with this baby. I don't want to do another pregnancy on my own - though if i have to i will. I'd just prefer not to.
Sometimes it's hard hearing other pregnant women talking about how involved and loving their husbands and partners are, i feel like i'm missing out. It's still early days tho, so plenty of time for James to be involved. I guess there's not much he can do atm its just all hormones hormones hormones these days..... with the odd craving for vegetables lol Maybe all this time with James being in NSW has given me time to think. Space we've both needed to clear our heads. I'm looking forward to him getting back and us talking and what not. He wants to be at my next u/s at about 8wks, so i'm happy bout that. It was great having Mum, my sister Sarah and Kailee at the last one (this past Friday, which was 6wks) but it wasn't the same just telling him about the ultrasound, or sending him pictures. I've never had a partner (or ex for that matter) to be excited with about having a baby, so i'm kinda looking forward to sharing this with James - tho we've split up. I really hope things dont change and we can continue to be happy and nice to one another - we're in this together, we've gotta be on the same side.
So the storm clouds are breaking and there's some light behind those clouds. Things aren't looking so depressing - or maybe today is just a good day :D
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Exhausted
Thursday 26.02.09
These past few days have been exhausting, both physically AND emotionally. I wont go into details, but i'm bout at the point where i want to scream! Some people are still being "downers" and saying horrible things. What did i expect tho - not everyone is happy and i'm sure it's only going to get worse once James tells his family i'm pregnant. Not my biggest fans at all. It's crazy tho, i'm that exhausted i can't seem to drag myself out of bed in the mornings and within an hour of waking up i want to go straight back to sleep. Tho at nitetimes i can't seem to sleep. Somehow i need to get my body clock back into some kinda routine.
I'm off to visit the folks for a couple days tomorrow which will be nice. I need to pay for my train ticket to go to Brisbane next week and spend time with my other family - the Evans' family! Then i have Sarah's baby shower and home again. So much running around i have to do tomorrow tho, centrelink (and hand in a form they already have - stupid ppl), post a bday gift to the U.S. and hopefully sleep. I could do with a whole year of it lol
I have good and bad days - sometimes the stress of everything just seems to get to me and i want to scream. I had a meltdown the other nite cuz i couldn't take it anymore. I dont know what to do, or what the heck i'm fighting for anymore. I'm alone now and i dont see that changing anytime in the next 8mths, regardless of how many times i tell James i want him involved in this pregnancy and OUR baby. So i figure i can't make him, so i'm going to step back and when he's ready to be involved he'll take that step. If he doesn't, then i'm sure i can pull through.
Time to get this body clock back into shape...... it's midnite and i need to sleep!! Sooo excited, my first u/s (ultrasound) is tomorrow (Friday), not getting my hopes up too much as we might not see anything, but fingers crossed we might spot a heartbeat. I'm sure i'll update here as soon as i have time after the scan - thank heavens this past week just flew by and i didn't have to wait long :)
These past few days have been exhausting, both physically AND emotionally. I wont go into details, but i'm bout at the point where i want to scream! Some people are still being "downers" and saying horrible things. What did i expect tho - not everyone is happy and i'm sure it's only going to get worse once James tells his family i'm pregnant. Not my biggest fans at all. It's crazy tho, i'm that exhausted i can't seem to drag myself out of bed in the mornings and within an hour of waking up i want to go straight back to sleep. Tho at nitetimes i can't seem to sleep. Somehow i need to get my body clock back into some kinda routine.
I'm off to visit the folks for a couple days tomorrow which will be nice. I need to pay for my train ticket to go to Brisbane next week and spend time with my other family - the Evans' family! Then i have Sarah's baby shower and home again. So much running around i have to do tomorrow tho, centrelink (and hand in a form they already have - stupid ppl), post a bday gift to the U.S. and hopefully sleep. I could do with a whole year of it lol
I have good and bad days - sometimes the stress of everything just seems to get to me and i want to scream. I had a meltdown the other nite cuz i couldn't take it anymore. I dont know what to do, or what the heck i'm fighting for anymore. I'm alone now and i dont see that changing anytime in the next 8mths, regardless of how many times i tell James i want him involved in this pregnancy and OUR baby. So i figure i can't make him, so i'm going to step back and when he's ready to be involved he'll take that step. If he doesn't, then i'm sure i can pull through.
Time to get this body clock back into shape...... it's midnite and i need to sleep!! Sooo excited, my first u/s (ultrasound) is tomorrow (Friday), not getting my hopes up too much as we might not see anything, but fingers crossed we might spot a heartbeat. I'm sure i'll update here as soon as i have time after the scan - thank heavens this past week just flew by and i didn't have to wait long :)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Army Wives
Friday 20.02.09
Thanks to my wonderful friend Serena, i'm officially hooked on this show after only watching ONE episode!! It's not usually my type of show either. I'm into the crime shows like CSI and Law & Order. I don't think i've ever even sat through more than one episode of Greys Anatomy lol But i dont see this show in the same category as all these other shows. It's not tacky, it's full of emotion, drama and suspense. Now, seriously... i need to get a life lol Like my mother has always told me, it's just a tv show!! Now i dont know what real Army Wives' families are like, but if it's anything like this, damn i feel for them!!
Maybe i'm a sucker for reality tv and anything that portrays something close to the real thing is a winner for me. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes each episode it just like life - full of ups and downs and not knowing where ur headed. If only life gave us an instruction manual! If only my wireless wasn't so slow, i could've watched all of the episodes by now rather than only watching one a day if that. What am i gonna do with myself when there's no more episodes to watch, i'm gonna go insane!!
So, for while it lasts, i'm gonna indulge in my latest addiction... and rejoice in the fact it wont make me add any weight around those areas i have more than enough already lol God surely knows i got plenty of that "excess-ness" happening between now and October :P
Thanks to my wonderful friend Serena, i'm officially hooked on this show after only watching ONE episode!! It's not usually my type of show either. I'm into the crime shows like CSI and Law & Order. I don't think i've ever even sat through more than one episode of Greys Anatomy lol But i dont see this show in the same category as all these other shows. It's not tacky, it's full of emotion, drama and suspense. Now, seriously... i need to get a life lol Like my mother has always told me, it's just a tv show!! Now i dont know what real Army Wives' families are like, but if it's anything like this, damn i feel for them!!
Maybe i'm a sucker for reality tv and anything that portrays something close to the real thing is a winner for me. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes each episode it just like life - full of ups and downs and not knowing where ur headed. If only life gave us an instruction manual! If only my wireless wasn't so slow, i could've watched all of the episodes by now rather than only watching one a day if that. What am i gonna do with myself when there's no more episodes to watch, i'm gonna go insane!!
So, for while it lasts, i'm gonna indulge in my latest addiction... and rejoice in the fact it wont make me add any weight around those areas i have more than enough already lol God surely knows i got plenty of that "excess-ness" happening between now and October :P
Mixed Emotions
Thursday 19.02.09
I don't know how i ever got through the first trimester of my pregnancy with Kailee without worrying so much. Maybe i didn't know as much i do these days - but I'm going insane. I'm trying to be excited, I'm bringing a new life into the world in 8mths. It's so hard tho, when James is so down and depressed about this all. Sure, i understand this isn't what he expected but it's happened and now we need to accept it and go from here. Every time i talk to him i get the feeling he resents me, like i did this behind his back or something. We were both equal parties in this, both discussing having a baby, etc. Little did i know he wasn't serious like i may have been. At the end of the day tho, I'm pregnant now and we're having a baby. Surely there's something in there to be happy about - i just wish James could find it. It's hard for me to be happy when i feel like I'm ruining his life :(
My morning sickness has eased, i can stomach some foods - tho not everything right now. The heartburn has gone, thanks to my wonderful 3.5yo daughter Kailee praying for me, i can honestly say i was instantly healed. It's amazing the faith our children have and the miracles they can perform! I'm so glad we've taught her to pray and believe in God. Now the only thing that hasn't been easing, is the stretching pains.... funny how i didn't notice them with my first pregnancy, but they are constant now with my 2nd. The pains aren't too extreme so nothing I'm worrying about - tho I'm eager to have my first ultrasound (u/s) to see that the baby is where s/he is supposed to be and confirm my due date. Maybe even see a heartbeat as well. I'm impatient and wish i could go now lol Maybe at tomorrow's Dr appt i will see about going in the following week and getting an u/s referral. I just hope the next week flys by so i can see my little "blob" on the screen.
After having a really crappy, down nite last nite, i took my last FRER (First Response Early Result) pregnancy test and felt a whole lot better after seeing the line. Considering a week ago the test line was faint - but definitely there. Now looking at a test there really only is a test line - its stealing all the dye from the control line. So that's definitely a good sign my HSG (pregnancy hormone) levels are increasing as they probably should. It's amazing, there's so much to stress about, over analyze and worry over when it comes to being pregnant. And time just drags on..... How am i going to get through another 6.5wks of this?? Someone keep me occupied. Please?!?
So as my leaving gift to u all (for putting up with reading all my depressing, random bloggings) here's my last pregnancy test. Hopefully i wont subject you to anymore lol Maybe :P
I don't know how i ever got through the first trimester of my pregnancy with Kailee without worrying so much. Maybe i didn't know as much i do these days - but I'm going insane. I'm trying to be excited, I'm bringing a new life into the world in 8mths. It's so hard tho, when James is so down and depressed about this all. Sure, i understand this isn't what he expected but it's happened and now we need to accept it and go from here. Every time i talk to him i get the feeling he resents me, like i did this behind his back or something. We were both equal parties in this, both discussing having a baby, etc. Little did i know he wasn't serious like i may have been. At the end of the day tho, I'm pregnant now and we're having a baby. Surely there's something in there to be happy about - i just wish James could find it. It's hard for me to be happy when i feel like I'm ruining his life :(
My morning sickness has eased, i can stomach some foods - tho not everything right now. The heartburn has gone, thanks to my wonderful 3.5yo daughter Kailee praying for me, i can honestly say i was instantly healed. It's amazing the faith our children have and the miracles they can perform! I'm so glad we've taught her to pray and believe in God. Now the only thing that hasn't been easing, is the stretching pains.... funny how i didn't notice them with my first pregnancy, but they are constant now with my 2nd. The pains aren't too extreme so nothing I'm worrying about - tho I'm eager to have my first ultrasound (u/s) to see that the baby is where s/he is supposed to be and confirm my due date. Maybe even see a heartbeat as well. I'm impatient and wish i could go now lol Maybe at tomorrow's Dr appt i will see about going in the following week and getting an u/s referral. I just hope the next week flys by so i can see my little "blob" on the screen.
After having a really crappy, down nite last nite, i took my last FRER (First Response Early Result) pregnancy test and felt a whole lot better after seeing the line. Considering a week ago the test line was faint - but definitely there. Now looking at a test there really only is a test line - its stealing all the dye from the control line. So that's definitely a good sign my HSG (pregnancy hormone) levels are increasing as they probably should. It's amazing, there's so much to stress about, over analyze and worry over when it comes to being pregnant. And time just drags on..... How am i going to get through another 6.5wks of this?? Someone keep me occupied. Please?!?
So as my leaving gift to u all (for putting up with reading all my depressing, random bloggings) here's my last pregnancy test. Hopefully i wont subject you to anymore lol Maybe :P
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
POAS obsession
Wednesday 18.02.09
Well as the title states - there is such a thing as POAS obsession... and for those wondering what POAS means, it stands for "Pee On A Stick" - in otherwords the taking of a home pregnancy test (HPT). For all those mums out there, you'll know exactly what i mean! You may have taken one or two, or four maybe but some of us aren't nearly as controlled. I won't begin to admit the amount of HPT's i have taken since last week when finding out i was pregnant but i can assure you its prolly nowhere near as many as some women i've seen or spoken to online. Generally the pattern fits for those whom are TTC (Trying To Conceive) n are sure to obsess over anything n everything, including peeing on a stick lol
So wat better than to make some fancy graphic outta my bean #2's pee sticks (just for u again Nate - all in preparation for when u someday have kids). So after some fiddling around with PSP (Paint Shop Pro), this is what i finished with...
N.B. Have u ever noticed how many abbreviations i use when referring to TTC , HPTs, POAS, etc. Slack much?
Well as the title states - there is such a thing as POAS obsession... and for those wondering what POAS means, it stands for "Pee On A Stick" - in otherwords the taking of a home pregnancy test (HPT). For all those mums out there, you'll know exactly what i mean! You may have taken one or two, or four maybe but some of us aren't nearly as controlled. I won't begin to admit the amount of HPT's i have taken since last week when finding out i was pregnant but i can assure you its prolly nowhere near as many as some women i've seen or spoken to online. Generally the pattern fits for those whom are TTC (Trying To Conceive) n are sure to obsess over anything n everything, including peeing on a stick lol
So wat better than to make some fancy graphic outta my bean #2's pee sticks (just for u again Nate - all in preparation for when u someday have kids). So after some fiddling around with PSP (Paint Shop Pro), this is what i finished with...
N.B. Have u ever noticed how many abbreviations i use when referring to TTC , HPTs, POAS, etc. Slack much?
Morning Sickness Sucks!
Wednesday 18.02.09
Well what can i say, morning sickness sucks! I dont think it should really be called morning sickness either.... something more along the lines of "all day nausea" or "gag at the thought of ur once favourite foods". How awful, feeling like u've just had a HUGE nite on the grog (alcohol), and want to throw up.... only to not be able to. I feel hungry and know i need to eat, tho i cant bear the thought of eating anything at all. Once again (like i did when pregnant with Kailee) i can't stand the thought of eating red meat, and much to my sadness i'm going off dairy already. Im not a HUGE dairy fan but sometimes i just love a nice cold Iced Coffee and i cant even bare to drink half a bottle of that now. What is this bean of a baby doing to me lol
I'm getting better at being able to sleep now... i'm not up til 3 or 4am anymore (tho it is after 1am now as i type this) but am completely exhausted by about 4pm. Last nite i crashed in bed at about 6pm only to wake at 8.30 and find Kailee asleep on her bedroom floor with her blanket n pillow watching a movie. Poor thing didnt wake me wanting dinner - i felt awful! I guess i didnt quite expect to be single and pregnant again, so it's something i'm gonna have to work a routine around lol Kailee's been awesome tho, she understands i'm not feeling well and has been really well behaved. She's definitely going to make an awesome big sister!!
Now hopefully this morning sickness doesn't stick around for long - poor mum has it again (in sympathy for me i guess, like she did when i was pregnant with Kailee) but not as bad this time around. With Kailee i didnt get it at all. I think i'd prefer to throw up and feel a little better. Or at least find something that settles my stomach - these ginger biscuits aren't doing a thing :(
Oh well, for now sleep is the only cure and i think it sounds damn good right about now. So til tomorrow or later this week :D
Well what can i say, morning sickness sucks! I dont think it should really be called morning sickness either.... something more along the lines of "all day nausea" or "gag at the thought of ur once favourite foods". How awful, feeling like u've just had a HUGE nite on the grog (alcohol), and want to throw up.... only to not be able to. I feel hungry and know i need to eat, tho i cant bear the thought of eating anything at all. Once again (like i did when pregnant with Kailee) i can't stand the thought of eating red meat, and much to my sadness i'm going off dairy already. Im not a HUGE dairy fan but sometimes i just love a nice cold Iced Coffee and i cant even bare to drink half a bottle of that now. What is this bean of a baby doing to me lol
I'm getting better at being able to sleep now... i'm not up til 3 or 4am anymore (tho it is after 1am now as i type this) but am completely exhausted by about 4pm. Last nite i crashed in bed at about 6pm only to wake at 8.30 and find Kailee asleep on her bedroom floor with her blanket n pillow watching a movie. Poor thing didnt wake me wanting dinner - i felt awful! I guess i didnt quite expect to be single and pregnant again, so it's something i'm gonna have to work a routine around lol Kailee's been awesome tho, she understands i'm not feeling well and has been really well behaved. She's definitely going to make an awesome big sister!!
Now hopefully this morning sickness doesn't stick around for long - poor mum has it again (in sympathy for me i guess, like she did when i was pregnant with Kailee) but not as bad this time around. With Kailee i didnt get it at all. I think i'd prefer to throw up and feel a little better. Or at least find something that settles my stomach - these ginger biscuits aren't doing a thing :(
Oh well, for now sleep is the only cure and i think it sounds damn good right about now. So til tomorrow or later this week :D
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
*Shocked*
Thursday 12.02.09
Well, yesterday was a bit of a shocker. Since James leaving, i've been trying to convince myself that there is no chance we caught the egg this month (conceived) and that my period would show soon, she's just running late. Finally tho i caved and tested, within not even 30 seconds the positive line started showing up. I was shocked!! I told my sister, who told my mum, who then come out and picked me up so i could go to the dr for a blood test to confirm i am in fact knocked up! So, those test results come back tomorrow and i'll find out for sure then, tho there's no disputing it as i've bought another test and taken it yesterday afternoon. So surely, if u get a BFP (big fat positive) in the middle of the arvo, ur preg - no denying it. My friends and family are shocked but so supportive which is fantastic. James on the other hand is shocked and well.... not so supportive at this point. I think he just wants space to process it all, but i guess he should expected it, since we WERE actively trying for a baby. Crappy timing tho, this bean was conceived around the time James told me he wanted to move out - only 3 days before breaking up with me. Talk about a damn mess lol
So, i'm thinking positive. God has a plan in here somewhere and this little bean is nothing short of a miracle from above. I've been a single pregnant mum to be before, and i'll do it again - might be a tad harder with a 4yo in tow tho lol Hopefully James comes around and is alot more supportive.... i'd like for him to be involved with his baby, but if he chooses otherwise, i'll accept that and do the best i can either way! So i've now added my pregnancy ticker to my blog, for everyone to see what my little bean is up to atm.... nothing exciting as yet, just growing some limbs. :P
Here are my wonderful pee sticks i have been torturing Nateo with (Gotta love a fresh pee stick Nate!)
So it's pretty much official, i'm pregnant guys. Due October 19th (roughly). I'll update about the drs appointment tomorrow!! xxx
Well, yesterday was a bit of a shocker. Since James leaving, i've been trying to convince myself that there is no chance we caught the egg this month (conceived) and that my period would show soon, she's just running late. Finally tho i caved and tested, within not even 30 seconds the positive line started showing up. I was shocked!! I told my sister, who told my mum, who then come out and picked me up so i could go to the dr for a blood test to confirm i am in fact knocked up! So, those test results come back tomorrow and i'll find out for sure then, tho there's no disputing it as i've bought another test and taken it yesterday afternoon. So surely, if u get a BFP (big fat positive) in the middle of the arvo, ur preg - no denying it. My friends and family are shocked but so supportive which is fantastic. James on the other hand is shocked and well.... not so supportive at this point. I think he just wants space to process it all, but i guess he should expected it, since we WERE actively trying for a baby. Crappy timing tho, this bean was conceived around the time James told me he wanted to move out - only 3 days before breaking up with me. Talk about a damn mess lol
So, i'm thinking positive. God has a plan in here somewhere and this little bean is nothing short of a miracle from above. I've been a single pregnant mum to be before, and i'll do it again - might be a tad harder with a 4yo in tow tho lol Hopefully James comes around and is alot more supportive.... i'd like for him to be involved with his baby, but if he chooses otherwise, i'll accept that and do the best i can either way! So i've now added my pregnancy ticker to my blog, for everyone to see what my little bean is up to atm.... nothing exciting as yet, just growing some limbs. :P
Here are my wonderful pee sticks i have been torturing Nateo with (Gotta love a fresh pee stick Nate!)
So it's pretty much official, i'm pregnant guys. Due October 19th (roughly). I'll update about the drs appointment tomorrow!! xxx
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Hairy-ness??
Wednesday 11.02.09
While talking to a really good friend of mine, whom i haven't really spoken to in a couple years... who knows why, we've been friends for about 10yrs now *shocked*. And while venting and letting some stuff out thats frustrating me atm and just kinda dumping it all on him (good thing Nateo has broad shoulders or i'd be screwed!!) he made me realise...... the guys i date are all relatively the same. They look the same, sometimes act the same, its like they are made from the same mould.... with only little changes. Strange!!
Now i can't say that i hadn't noticed.... cuz i had! Outta my 3 more serious relationships i'd had (Josh, Raymond & James) they were all fairly the same. Goaties, stocky guys, funny, and had me smitten. And of course throw Nateo in there as well, as he'd fit right on in with those 3 guys and u might as well say i have a "type". Nateo tells me i like hairy guys and God is "grooming my hairy husband" which is funny, cuz i'd like my man to be a little hairy.... not like an ape where i cant see any skin at all :P These guys all like the same kinda music (or at least did at one point or another) n think much the same. So what's going on??
Maybe i just love the look of a masculine stocky man with facial hair that listens to heavy/depressing (i wanna kill myself) kinda music lol A guy thats either into computers or cars. Someone that eventually will break my heart (all with the exception of Nate - i broke his and still feel horrible i did it. Sorry Nate!!). Is there any chance in life that i'll look for someone to spend my life with that doesn't fit into this mould? I dont think i could ever see myself with someone skinny (seriously not my thing, anyone that knows me knows im a chubby chaser :P)...... If where i'm going wrong is choosing these sorts of guys, then maybe i need to find me a skinny guy that might not wanna just play games with me. Guess only time will tell and only God knows what will happen. For now tho, lets hope hes got some hair.... i dont want me no girly man!!
P.S. Thanks for the chat Nate, u've genuinely made me laugh and its been a while since i have, things have gotta me looking up. U've always been my best friend, ur awesome!! *hugs*
While talking to a really good friend of mine, whom i haven't really spoken to in a couple years... who knows why, we've been friends for about 10yrs now *shocked*. And while venting and letting some stuff out thats frustrating me atm and just kinda dumping it all on him (good thing Nateo has broad shoulders or i'd be screwed!!) he made me realise...... the guys i date are all relatively the same. They look the same, sometimes act the same, its like they are made from the same mould.... with only little changes. Strange!!
Now i can't say that i hadn't noticed.... cuz i had! Outta my 3 more serious relationships i'd had (Josh, Raymond & James) they were all fairly the same. Goaties, stocky guys, funny, and had me smitten. And of course throw Nateo in there as well, as he'd fit right on in with those 3 guys and u might as well say i have a "type". Nateo tells me i like hairy guys and God is "grooming my hairy husband" which is funny, cuz i'd like my man to be a little hairy.... not like an ape where i cant see any skin at all :P These guys all like the same kinda music (or at least did at one point or another) n think much the same. So what's going on??
Maybe i just love the look of a masculine stocky man with facial hair that listens to heavy/depressing (i wanna kill myself) kinda music lol A guy thats either into computers or cars. Someone that eventually will break my heart (all with the exception of Nate - i broke his and still feel horrible i did it. Sorry Nate!!). Is there any chance in life that i'll look for someone to spend my life with that doesn't fit into this mould? I dont think i could ever see myself with someone skinny (seriously not my thing, anyone that knows me knows im a chubby chaser :P)...... If where i'm going wrong is choosing these sorts of guys, then maybe i need to find me a skinny guy that might not wanna just play games with me. Guess only time will tell and only God knows what will happen. For now tho, lets hope hes got some hair.... i dont want me no girly man!!
P.S. Thanks for the chat Nate, u've genuinely made me laugh and its been a while since i have, things have gotta me looking up. U've always been my best friend, ur awesome!! *hugs*
Prospects
Sunday 08.02.09
They say as one door closes another door opens, so now that the door to my relationship with James is closed, where will the next open door lead? As much as i love being single, I want to settle down, surely there's someone out there for me!?! I don't want to be alone forever, but i dont want to settle for someone i don't love either. I know i'm supposed to have faith God has someone for me but I dont want to be 40 before i meet that someone! Why am i so impatient when life has so many unseen prospects for me?!?
They say as one door closes another door opens, so now that the door to my relationship with James is closed, where will the next open door lead? As much as i love being single, I want to settle down, surely there's someone out there for me!?! I don't want to be alone forever, but i dont want to settle for someone i don't love either. I know i'm supposed to have faith God has someone for me but I dont want to be 40 before i meet that someone! Why am i so impatient when life has so many unseen prospects for me?!?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Favourites
Thursday 05.02.09
Here are a couple of my favourite photos. I'll add more as i edit them.
An innocent Kailee
Christmas Day Kailee
Me, Kailee & Aunty Serena
Here are a couple of my favourite photos. I'll add more as i edit them.
An innocent Kailee
Christmas Day Kailee
Me, Kailee & Aunty Serena
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Hanging out
Thursday 05.02.09
Well i spent yesterday hanging out with James, and today when we went into the dreaded Centrelink lol It was nice to just hang out without the stress of our relationship failing, bills, money, etc etc etc. Though i swear we're not supposed to watch that horror movie "See No Evil". We tried watching it again and it constantly skipped throughout the whole first 30-45mins of it. So we gave up and ended up watching some rubbish on tv as usual. It felt much more relaxed and was nice to just chill out together. Sometimes it doesn't feel like we've split up but for the most part, its definately obvious. It's awesome he's still there to help out, whether it be taking me into town or spending time with Kailee etc. I'm amazed at myself how well i'm coping atm, maybe i just cried it all out the first few days and now i'm accepting things. I just hope that its not just me in denial and then i come crashing down again soon :(
Either way, things are ok at the moment and that's all that matters :)
Well i spent yesterday hanging out with James, and today when we went into the dreaded Centrelink lol It was nice to just hang out without the stress of our relationship failing, bills, money, etc etc etc. Though i swear we're not supposed to watch that horror movie "See No Evil". We tried watching it again and it constantly skipped throughout the whole first 30-45mins of it. So we gave up and ended up watching some rubbish on tv as usual. It felt much more relaxed and was nice to just chill out together. Sometimes it doesn't feel like we've split up but for the most part, its definately obvious. It's awesome he's still there to help out, whether it be taking me into town or spending time with Kailee etc. I'm amazed at myself how well i'm coping atm, maybe i just cried it all out the first few days and now i'm accepting things. I just hope that its not just me in denial and then i come crashing down again soon :(
Either way, things are ok at the moment and that's all that matters :)
Centrelink: Friend or Foe?
Thursday 05.02.09
Now for those that done know what or who Centrelink is.... "Centrelink is a government agency delivering a range of Commonwealth services to the Australian community. If you need financial support in the form of a pension, benefit or allowance". And for those that still have no idea what that means, it's the government's way of supporting low income families, families with disbilities and single parent families.
Now as awesome as the concept of "Centrelink" is great, the amount of running around they make you do is just shocking. I was told that i'd need to sign and hand back in some forms with details of me and James separating and the details of a couple friends that could verify the split etc and that i wouldn't need an appointment time made, i could just walk in and get one. So that's what happened..... tho i had to wait 1hr 45mins just for someone to call my name and go through my signed form. You got to be kidding me right!! Tho the appt only took about 30mins to finalise and get approved for my single parent payment, i was in that Centrelink office for over 2hrs. Something that should've taken 45mins max!
So finally, everything is sorted. I'm getting the right amount of payments for being a single parent (rather than a partnered parent, as i was). Now i just need to focus on moving. I'm not so stressed about that, YET! I'm sure moving towns isn't gonna be a piece of cake, but i have me some awesome friends that i know will make the move as awesome as possible! I can't wait to see what possibilities the move to a new place may bring....
Now for those that done know what or who Centrelink is.... "Centrelink is a government agency delivering a range of Commonwealth services to the Australian community. If you need financial support in the form of a pension, benefit or allowance". And for those that still have no idea what that means, it's the government's way of supporting low income families, families with disbilities and single parent families.
Now as awesome as the concept of "Centrelink" is great, the amount of running around they make you do is just shocking. I was told that i'd need to sign and hand back in some forms with details of me and James separating and the details of a couple friends that could verify the split etc and that i wouldn't need an appointment time made, i could just walk in and get one. So that's what happened..... tho i had to wait 1hr 45mins just for someone to call my name and go through my signed form. You got to be kidding me right!! Tho the appt only took about 30mins to finalise and get approved for my single parent payment, i was in that Centrelink office for over 2hrs. Something that should've taken 45mins max!
So finally, everything is sorted. I'm getting the right amount of payments for being a single parent (rather than a partnered parent, as i was). Now i just need to focus on moving. I'm not so stressed about that, YET! I'm sure moving towns isn't gonna be a piece of cake, but i have me some awesome friends that i know will make the move as awesome as possible! I can't wait to see what possibilities the move to a new place may bring....
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Single Friends
Tuesday 03.02.09
I have a few single and amazing friends - why the heck are they single? 2 in particular stand out the most to me, an amazing friend i've had for a couple years since year 11 at high school. He's funny, amazing, uplifting and a joy to talk to and be around. He has the kindest heart and the most sincere personality - what the heck are girls thinking when they see him? I just don't get it. My heart breaks when he's so down cuz of some girl that wont reciprocate his feelings..... i want to see him happy, he's one of my closest friends and he sure deserves a girl that will make him feel like he means something to her. Hopefully he can wait for his "miss right" and not forget that he's certainly enough for what she needs!
There's a another guy i went to school with and tho i dont know him much, he's been one of the only ppl thats spoken to me while going through this whole James thing. It might not be much but telling me about silly little things he does makes me laugh. Sometimes it's nice to have a friend who will try and make u feel better without wanting all the details of ur life's drama or to tell u to snap outta it. Tho it's still a friendship that it building each day, it's something i can look forward to - i dont have a huge bunch of real friends... aquaintances yes, true friends no - and hopefully i can be there when he needs a swift kick in the butt to get outta a depressing mood. Those seem to just take over sometimes!! Now why this guy is still single, it puzzles me. He's funny and seems pretty straightforward and down to earth. What the heck are girls thinking in today's society?? Are they all blind??
They say its better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. But is that really true? Heartbreak seems so raw and so intense, sometimes i think it would be better to not experience it and always just keep love a "fantasy" but something we aren't actually able to grasp onto. Fair enuff, its amazing when u experience it and everything is in its "honeymoon" stage and its so fantastic! But when things become so routine and life kicks in, it doesn't seem to hold the sparkle it once did. No wonder ppl want out of relationships, or tend to stray to the greener (or so it seems) grass on the other side of the fence. If someone is worth waiting for, how long are we required to wait? And why do these other ppl come along in the time we're waiting for Mr or Miss Right only to confuse us into thinking they are "the one".
I hate seeing my friends frustrated when it comes to girls/boys and relationships in general. Why couldn't it be much more simple to work out between us and the opposite sex? Why does it have to be so damn confusing to work one another out? I dont think it should be too easy, but it doesn't need to be this hard either. If only we could all be straight with one another and know where we stand, without having to try and work it out for ourselves. *sigh* Maybe love does stink :P
I have a few single and amazing friends - why the heck are they single? 2 in particular stand out the most to me, an amazing friend i've had for a couple years since year 11 at high school. He's funny, amazing, uplifting and a joy to talk to and be around. He has the kindest heart and the most sincere personality - what the heck are girls thinking when they see him? I just don't get it. My heart breaks when he's so down cuz of some girl that wont reciprocate his feelings..... i want to see him happy, he's one of my closest friends and he sure deserves a girl that will make him feel like he means something to her. Hopefully he can wait for his "miss right" and not forget that he's certainly enough for what she needs!
There's a another guy i went to school with and tho i dont know him much, he's been one of the only ppl thats spoken to me while going through this whole James thing. It might not be much but telling me about silly little things he does makes me laugh. Sometimes it's nice to have a friend who will try and make u feel better without wanting all the details of ur life's drama or to tell u to snap outta it. Tho it's still a friendship that it building each day, it's something i can look forward to - i dont have a huge bunch of real friends... aquaintances yes, true friends no - and hopefully i can be there when he needs a swift kick in the butt to get outta a depressing mood. Those seem to just take over sometimes!! Now why this guy is still single, it puzzles me. He's funny and seems pretty straightforward and down to earth. What the heck are girls thinking in today's society?? Are they all blind??
They say its better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. But is that really true? Heartbreak seems so raw and so intense, sometimes i think it would be better to not experience it and always just keep love a "fantasy" but something we aren't actually able to grasp onto. Fair enuff, its amazing when u experience it and everything is in its "honeymoon" stage and its so fantastic! But when things become so routine and life kicks in, it doesn't seem to hold the sparkle it once did. No wonder ppl want out of relationships, or tend to stray to the greener (or so it seems) grass on the other side of the fence. If someone is worth waiting for, how long are we required to wait? And why do these other ppl come along in the time we're waiting for Mr or Miss Right only to confuse us into thinking they are "the one".
I hate seeing my friends frustrated when it comes to girls/boys and relationships in general. Why couldn't it be much more simple to work out between us and the opposite sex? Why does it have to be so damn confusing to work one another out? I dont think it should be too easy, but it doesn't need to be this hard either. If only we could all be straight with one another and know where we stand, without having to try and work it out for ourselves. *sigh* Maybe love does stink :P
Acceptance
Tuesday 03.02.09
I think i'm coming to the point where i'm accepting that things have actually ended with James. I know that no matter how much i cry or bed, we're not going to get back together. Only a miracle will make that happen. I'm trying to think of all the positives that can come of this - a new move, starting uni, fresh start in a new town, etc. It's hard not to want to shake James silly and ask him what the heck he's thinking! Why this all of a sudden? It seemed so out of the blue - but it wasn't, was it? I'll always love him even if he'll never be able to reciprocate those feelings. One day the pain will fade won't it? I really hope so! =s
I think i'm coming to the point where i'm accepting that things have actually ended with James. I know that no matter how much i cry or bed, we're not going to get back together. Only a miracle will make that happen. I'm trying to think of all the positives that can come of this - a new move, starting uni, fresh start in a new town, etc. It's hard not to want to shake James silly and ask him what the heck he's thinking! Why this all of a sudden? It seemed so out of the blue - but it wasn't, was it? I'll always love him even if he'll never be able to reciprocate those feelings. One day the pain will fade won't it? I really hope so! =s
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Coping
Saturday 31.01.09
Some days are good, some not so good! I dont want to be here where everything reminds me of how good things once were. I wish i was somewhere else - anywhere but here! I know life doesn't end cuz someone can't or won't love you back like you'd like. If i didnt have my beautiful Kailee to pull me through i dont know if i could make it to the other side of this storm. As of lunchtime today we've decided to split up and see where life takes us in the next couple months. I've decided to move Kailee and I to Caboolture and start afresh! It's something i need to do, i just wish James ws coming too - maybe one day.
I love you James, forever!! xxx
Some days are good, some not so good! I dont want to be here where everything reminds me of how good things once were. I wish i was somewhere else - anywhere but here! I know life doesn't end cuz someone can't or won't love you back like you'd like. If i didnt have my beautiful Kailee to pull me through i dont know if i could make it to the other side of this storm. As of lunchtime today we've decided to split up and see where life takes us in the next couple months. I've decided to move Kailee and I to Caboolture and start afresh! It's something i need to do, i just wish James ws coming too - maybe one day.
I love you James, forever!! xxx
Crushed
Thursday 29.01.09
Just when things seem to be going great, everything is pulled out from under you! James just told me last night that he wants to move out for a while but doesn't want to break up. I'm scare this is just a 'cover' for "I don't want to be with you anymore". I knew he was dealing with some things atm in his own head but didn't realise he'd been thinking of moving out - what a shock that was!! Why do i keep making myself vulnerable and then getting hurt? I dont want James to go anywhere but i can't make him stay either. I don't want to have to prepare myself for being single again - he says it wont happen, i'm not so sure. I hate letting my guard down, only to get trampled on. How am i going to handle not having James around? I don't want to be single! How do i explain all this to Kailee who absolutely loves James? How do i make her not feel deserted too? I don't understand how i couldn't see this coming - am i that naive? I keep feeling like maybe i don't deserve to be happy and maybe he'd be better off without me. Maybe time apart will help - i can only hope. But what if it just makes things worse? Then i have to pick myself up off the floor all over again! *sigh*
Just when things seem to be going great, everything is pulled out from under you! James just told me last night that he wants to move out for a while but doesn't want to break up. I'm scare this is just a 'cover' for "I don't want to be with you anymore". I knew he was dealing with some things atm in his own head but didn't realise he'd been thinking of moving out - what a shock that was!! Why do i keep making myself vulnerable and then getting hurt? I dont want James to go anywhere but i can't make him stay either. I don't want to have to prepare myself for being single again - he says it wont happen, i'm not so sure. I hate letting my guard down, only to get trampled on. How am i going to handle not having James around? I don't want to be single! How do i explain all this to Kailee who absolutely loves James? How do i make her not feel deserted too? I don't understand how i couldn't see this coming - am i that naive? I keep feeling like maybe i don't deserve to be happy and maybe he'd be better off without me. Maybe time apart will help - i can only hope. But what if it just makes things worse? Then i have to pick myself up off the floor all over again! *sigh*
Love
Sunday 25.01.09
Why is it so easy to fall in love with someone? Sometimes it gradually happens, sometimes you don't even notice it's happened. I can vaguely remember thinking I was falling in love with James, i was so scared of getting involved in something only to want 'out' soon after. Thank heavens i took that risk and here i am nearly 18mths later and couldn't imagine my life without him. So much for me being a commitment phobe - it's all James' fault! LOL Every girl at some point wants to get marriet, etc. But up until now the thought of it ever actually happening was scary! Now i can't imagine my life going in any other direction. I have plenty of time to get married but one thing is for sure, i know im happy, faithful, in love and nothing will change that. I've found the most amazing and fantastiv man in the world and there's no letting go! Sometimes life gets som mundane and boring but i'd never change it. The biggest thing for me is how much Kailee loves James. He'll always be her daddy, even if DNA doesn't show that. He dotes over her like his own and she's a bg daddys girl thats for sure! One of the many things Jake misses out on and we gain. I don't know how one can turn their back on their own child but Kailee has gained a daddy who chose to be there for her - not just one that is obliged. We got lucky when we found James - Praise God he messaged me online that day! When thinking about it, i'm the luckiest girl in the world and all cuz i have James beside me each and every day!
I love you James! xxx
Why is it so easy to fall in love with someone? Sometimes it gradually happens, sometimes you don't even notice it's happened. I can vaguely remember thinking I was falling in love with James, i was so scared of getting involved in something only to want 'out' soon after. Thank heavens i took that risk and here i am nearly 18mths later and couldn't imagine my life without him. So much for me being a commitment phobe - it's all James' fault! LOL Every girl at some point wants to get marriet, etc. But up until now the thought of it ever actually happening was scary! Now i can't imagine my life going in any other direction. I have plenty of time to get married but one thing is for sure, i know im happy, faithful, in love and nothing will change that. I've found the most amazing and fantastiv man in the world and there's no letting go! Sometimes life gets som mundane and boring but i'd never change it. The biggest thing for me is how much Kailee loves James. He'll always be her daddy, even if DNA doesn't show that. He dotes over her like his own and she's a bg daddys girl thats for sure! One of the many things Jake misses out on and we gain. I don't know how one can turn their back on their own child but Kailee has gained a daddy who chose to be there for her - not just one that is obliged. We got lucky when we found James - Praise God he messaged me online that day! When thinking about it, i'm the luckiest girl in the world and all cuz i have James beside me each and every day!
I love you James! xxx
Battles
Sunday 18.01.09
"Be kinder than necessary, becuase everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
Whether a battle within themselves or a battle against someone else. The above quote i found in an email and OMG how true is that. Sometimes we forget that like us, everyone is fighting a battle of their own. Though we don't have to fight this battle on our own!
"Be kinder than necessary, becuase everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
Whether a battle within themselves or a battle against someone else. The above quote i found in an email and OMG how true is that. Sometimes we forget that like us, everyone is fighting a battle of their own. Though we don't have to fight this battle on our own!
Selfishness
Saturday 17.01.09
Why si it that we feel unappreciated and we feel used etc etc. Have we ever stopped to think how we make other people feel?!? How about worthless? Insecure? How long is the list of negative ways we make others feel? Our society has become so selfish. Always looking out for number one! Have we ever stopped to think what it would be like if we have a more selfless attitude? There'd possibly be less anger, less hurt, less pain, rejection, no more lashing out at others. Where does the change begin? If i change my attitude towards people will it rub off? Only one way to find out i guess - can i tackle a challenge as great as this?......
Why si it that we feel unappreciated and we feel used etc etc. Have we ever stopped to think how we make other people feel?!? How about worthless? Insecure? How long is the list of negative ways we make others feel? Our society has become so selfish. Always looking out for number one! Have we ever stopped to think what it would be like if we have a more selfless attitude? There'd possibly be less anger, less hurt, less pain, rejection, no more lashing out at others. Where does the change begin? If i change my attitude towards people will it rub off? Only one way to find out i guess - can i tackle a challenge as great as this?......
Missing someone
Saturday 17.01.09
It's crazy how much you can miss someone when they aren't around. You realise how much you taken what you have for granted. I hate the moments i have to myself when i just think, it's usually just random depressing thoughts - but things that make u re=evaluate your life. I dread the thought of not having James to wake up next to every morning and kiss goodnight before going to sleep. I hate that our lives become so routine. Sometimes i wonder if he really wants a baby or its something he goes along with for my sake. Of course i want all these meaningful "girly" things in life - marriage, a child to the love of my life..... but i want that to be something we both want. Sure, i can hold off on the marriage thing, but why do i want the baby thing so bad? I rationalize by stating that i can get married while at uni, but havign a baby and studying is harder - and of course that's that i truely feel. I guess i'm just clucky and dont want to feel at a standstill, like my relationship is on "pause". Regardless of having a baby now or not, I just want to be with James and not feel like I'm boring him or holding him back. Maybe i need to think of ways to make him feel more appreciated and spend more time with him. So here goes nothing... BBL
It's crazy how much you can miss someone when they aren't around. You realise how much you taken what you have for granted. I hate the moments i have to myself when i just think, it's usually just random depressing thoughts - but things that make u re=evaluate your life. I dread the thought of not having James to wake up next to every morning and kiss goodnight before going to sleep. I hate that our lives become so routine. Sometimes i wonder if he really wants a baby or its something he goes along with for my sake. Of course i want all these meaningful "girly" things in life - marriage, a child to the love of my life..... but i want that to be something we both want. Sure, i can hold off on the marriage thing, but why do i want the baby thing so bad? I rationalize by stating that i can get married while at uni, but havign a baby and studying is harder - and of course that's that i truely feel. I guess i'm just clucky and dont want to feel at a standstill, like my relationship is on "pause". Regardless of having a baby now or not, I just want to be with James and not feel like I'm boring him or holding him back. Maybe i need to think of ways to make him feel more appreciated and spend more time with him. So here goes nothing... BBL
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