Belly Pics

Sunday 24.05.09

Well not much to hear from me for now, still getting impatient waiting for Wednesday to roll around so i can see Bean again and hopefully find out if Bean is a girl or boy. I wanna start buying clothes - blue or pink - not just white, yellow or green!! So for now, while we're waiting here are the 2 belly pics i've taken so far. Only very minimal change, mainly just the rounding at the top of my big fat tummy lol But i feel HUGE and bloated. Bring on the baby belly. :P

*First pic was taken at 13wk 6d pregnant, 2nd pic taken at 17wk 2d pregnant.*

Are we all "judges"?

Sunday 17.05.09

Of all places, you'd think church would be somewhere that you can go and be freely accepted for who u are - regardless of what ur past involves etc. The bible talks about forgiveness if u repent from ur wicked ways and loving one another. But in this day and age, i hate to say it but there's nothing further from the truth when u actually are in church and ur "wrong-doings" are on display for everyone to see. Lemme give u some background....

I was 19yo, a children's church and youth group leader at church (thats right ppl, i was IN leadership) and got into a relationship with Jake (Kailee's biological father - aka 'Sperm Donor') n after only 2mths with him, i found out i was pregnant. I had to confront the Pastors as well as the other leaders i was working alongside and admit to them that i had indeed had sex before i was married and was pregnant and was stepping down from all my leadership roles. Fair enuff - i screwed up and made the effort to better my life n do the right thing for my unborn child. I won't pretend that i had it easy when ppl at church found out i was pregnant.... the dirty looks i got from certain ppl was ridiculous - but i brushed that all aside. THIS TIME: I was on the worship team at church - which i had worked towards for a while as Kailee was growing up, and then i met James.... once again i started getting "judged" for things i wasn't doing (i.e. getting judged for James living with me, when in fact he didnt). I was called a $lut n verbally attacked by a 'friend' from church. James and I both made the decision to leave the church as we didnt want to be part of a 'family' that is quick to jump to assumptions and attack someone else. We later moved in together and started trying for a baby of our own.... in no way was i pretending to be a moral christian as i no longer attended church. Plain and simple, i was a sinner! Then again aren't we all?? lol I just wasn't playing "christian" on a Sunday and then sinning on the Monday.

We all know what happened next - James left me and i found out that i was already pregnant when he broke off our 1.5yr relationship. I had forgiven the friend that had attacked me for apparently 'living' with James (when we weren't) and things were okay with her and I. I made the choice to do something postive for myself and Kailee and get my life back on track and start going back to church - thinking i would find support and friendship there.... i mean, this IS the church i have been going to for nearly 10yrs!! Long story short.... i've already mentioned the comment made by one person about "are you sure its James' baby".... now more recently, (in the last month or so) i have been told that in some way i may be encouraging other ppl to sin and go out and have sex before marriage, since ppl see that i'm happy about having a baby. C'mon!! I didn't say i was happy about the circumstances it happened in - ideally, i would have preferred to be married. I was asked how if i had grown up in church and knowing right from wrong, how i got myself into this situation of having another baby out of marriage, etc. The thing that puzzles me - is the person who asked is married and has never had a child outside marriage *sigh*. Surely they aren't going to grasp what life is like in a situation they have NEVER been in.

So after being made to feel like i'm some awful evil person - i was able to come back with some quick intelligent responses to these comments and questions. For instance - everyone in that church sins - whether they repent of it and are forgiven or are continuing to sin.... for me, my sin is on display for everyone to see for 9mths. Once bub is born ppl surely can say "well she sinned but that's in the past" - but regardless of the fact that i haven't been with anyone since James it doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is that i'm pregnant and i'm not married - who cares this is a result of a sin i commited FOUR MONTHS AGO! *sigh*

At the end of the day - it's only small minded ppl that feel they have a right to judge ppl. I'll continue to hold my head up high knowing that while i did the wrong thing, i'm now living with it and making the most of the situation i'm in. It's been and done - time moves on and so should ppl. It's unfortunate that some ppl can't seem to move on from MY sin - what does the bible say? Pull the log outta ur own eye before pulling the speck outta someone else's. Maybe these ppl need to re-read some scripture! All that should matter is what i do with my life NOW and not what i did in the past. Move on ppl - we're over it! *groan*

The latest on us and bean!

Friday 15.05.09

I must admit, i've been the slackest blogger these past few months. Seems i had lots to vent about when it was all revolving around the "James saga/drama". Now i have nothing to whinge, complain and vent about - or so it seems lol So guess this will have to be a "good" update blog :D

I had an awesome holiday with my 'other family' down in Caboolture for over a week. It pretty much consisted of sleeping in, good food, great company, noisy squealing kids, and best of all - no ex's in town! LOL So all in all, less stress!! Kailee had the time of her life - as usual and none of the kids wanted Kailee and I to go home. But.... i had to as i had another Antenatal appt at the hospital and was eager to hear bean's little heartbeat again... u never tire of hearing it at each appt!!

My 17wk checkup at the hospital antenatal clinic went well. Nothing to worry about, no swelling (otherwise known as Odema), already feeling movements and big kicks which i LOVE (midwife was amazed i've been feeling bub move since 10wks!), and cheeky little bean kept running away from the doppler (device used to hear bubs heartbeat through my stomach) and hiding... so after 3 goes the midwife finally got a good reading of the heartbeat. A nice healthy 154bpm - exactly the same as last month's appt. I dont need to go back until another 4wks time but am really excited to book my big 19wk u/s (ultrasound) next week, for the end of the month (in less than 2wks time) and hopefully find out what i'm having!! Kailee is still sure i'm having a girl and so far i have a girl's name chosen so i'm prepared for more pink. If it's a boy on the other hand.... i still got some thinking until i'm definite about the name. Either way i'll be equally as happy and blessed!!

So watch this space - i'll have some news within the next fortnite hopefully. Will it be a cheeseburger (girl) or a hotdog (boy)?? Lemme know what you all think - so far the majority of friends are predicting a boy... and my gut isn't telling me a thing. So i dont know either way!!

.......Till then guys and girls........

Finally some updates :P

Tuesday 28.04.09

I'm sorry, i've been awful at keeping my blog updated when it comes to me and the going on's in my life lately. Sooooo much has happened, lots which i really wasn't in any mood to really talk about, but i'm in a better place emotionally now and can quickly get it out, updating everyone and then leave it behind me - where it can stay lol.

Long story short - i moved house. I cannot express enuff just how emotionally and physically draining that was. My folks were amazing n mum helped scrub walls, etc while dad moved everything. If there was ever a time when it was the most evident that i was indeed single again it was moving house. Now i'm not the kind of person to run anyone down - regardless of what they do to me or put me through. James was great - financially.... but thats where it ended. Through the whole moving process, i didnt see him once. At the end of the day, i'm holding my head up knowing i got it done and it looked great when it was finally finished.

Not long after that i found out James had already moved on.... fair enuff, it was gonna happen one day. Didn't make it hurt any less tho. Esp when he was still filling my head with all his usual crap "I love you" "I miss you" etc etc. One would say i was silly and naive for thinking he wasn't 'just another guy' (for all you decent guys out there.... i know ur not 'just another guy' so dont stress - uno who u are! ... Prashant, Daniel, Cameron, etc) and to be perfectly honest, i was hoping he wasn't the jerk he was starting to evidently become. Yep, that's me, naive! So he moved on.... it happens, life continues and we're still having a baby together, although he'd continue to tell me he'll be there for his child and come to appt's concerning the baby etc he really wasn't showing any interest in being there at all.

The final straw i guess was when i was laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a drip of fluids, rushed up there dehydrated and very sick. I hadn't eaten or drank in days and as much as i wanted to force something into my stomach, i couldn't. Never again do i want to feel like this :( So there i was, laying in hospital, waiting to hear back about all my tests that were done when i was first taken in, and i get a message from who else but James - telling me i'm spiteful and controlling (c'mon, i'd easily admit when provoked i can be :P) n that he wants nothing to do with his child or me for that matter. I told him to at least do the right thing by his baby and his reply was that no, i'll never see him again and to have a nice life. Just the thing to make my nite in hospital all the more exciting - not! At this point i wasn't shocked, i knew for some time he didnt want to be involved but wasn't able to say it to me himself... finally he said it.

Now, after all that had happened, i'd found out some things about James i hadn't known the whole 1.5yrs we'd known each other and been together. Finding out he'd lied to me the whole time hurt, i wasn't going to let this new girl believe all she hears about me - no doubt i'm portrayed by James and his family (i.e. mother) as some kind of fire-breathing dragon. So she might as well hear some things from me - i messaged her ;) Prolly not the most noble of actions, but at least she's heard my side - whether she believes it or not is her issue... i have nothing to gain from lying about anything. No doubt this is why James started with his nasty text messages....

....Now the most amusing part of this was when the new girl (i wont say girlfriend.... since i'm sure its prolly not even that - James has some committment issues in every extent) messaged me saying that before i ask him for child support i will need to get a DNA test to prove it's his baby cuz "who knows where you've been". I have one word for that - hilarious!! Silly thing is - i'll do just that, get a DNA test. It'll look kinda stupid going to court for a DNA test when we both know its his baby. At least then he'll have a "report" to keep in his records stating its his baby - no denying that then! Why some ppl want to try lying their way through life i'll never understand - but its a road that'll only take them in circles - they'll get nowhere! Stupidly, he mustn't realise that DNA tests aren't cheap.... and the biological father pays for the test. If only he would just man up to his responsibilities n do the right thing - but then he would need to have morals and values. Those, are lacking.

On the upside, the stress of keeping him involved in every aspect of having a baby - choosing a name, antenatal appts, etc - is no longer there as i dont have to talk to him about anything. I can make my own choices regarding my child and this pregnancy. After a rough couple wks being sick, i'm on the mend and able to start putting weight back on. In a max of 5days i lost at least 6kgs (or 13lbs)... now i can stomach food and fluids again :D I still have my fair share of everyday stresses, but nothing compared to those horrific weeks explained above. *sigh* I'm now nearly 15wks pregnant and little bean is becoming quite the kicker. It's not often i get a bit "boot" from him/her, but when i do its amazing. Those first few kicks are indescribable! I can't wait to feel little bean lots more over the coming weeks. In 4wks also i have my BIG scan.... hopefully the little on will cooperate and we'll get a 'peek' at whats cooking - a cheeseburger (girl) or hot dog (boy).

I'll keep u all updated, but for now it's after 1.30am and i need to go steal my bed back from the snoozing 4yo (Kailee) in it. Gotta love her - she fought sleep for soooooooo long tonite, only to crawl under the blankets and be sleeping in not even a whole minute lol Kids are crazy sometimes!! *hugs*

Beyond Exhausted

Monday 06.04.09

I havent been checking in nearly as much as i should have and i'm sorry - i'm slack lol Finally i have finished moving all of my stuff and cleaning the old house. Still tho i am staying with my parents while i get the money together to move into a new place of my own. Its so stressful, so expensive, and so draining! I have been running on "empty" for the past couple wks and i'm just kinda waiting for the point where i just collapse and can't go any further. I dont think ppl realise just how damn stressful it is doing this on my own, with a 4yo in tow, pregnant again and with no help from James at all. My folks have been great - dad moved all my stuff, mum has been scrubbing walls with me non stop for 2wks. Other than that, id hate to think i had friends to rely on lol That sure sucks!!

These hormones are running wild inside me atm. I dont take any crap from anyone and all these smart ass remarks and comments and whinging and complaining i hear just make me want to scream and strangle someone. Here's just a few from this week alone *sigh*.......

* I've had one lady (from church mind u *shocked*) tell me "Praise God" when i said James and I had split. She told me she was happy we'd split and thought it was a good thing, and when i told her it wasn't since i'm now having his baby she had the audacity to ask "Are u sure its his?" WHAT THE F*$K?? I wasn't impressed - and told her straight out that she shouldn't make such horrible assumptions and how many ppl did she think i was sleeping with. She stated i may have already found someone else and been "bedding" them. Whoa! Where do some ppl come from?? I told her to thinki first next time and not say things like that, esp if they may hurt someone feelings - good thing i'm tough and dont let busy bodies get the better of me!!

* A bit of background, for those that dont know.... Kailee has an intolerance to gluten and dairy (and thats what we know of). If she doesnt take her vitamins (vitamin C is great, but the magic one is her fish oil "lollies") then she will be constipated for DAYS!! To the point where shes screaming, wont sleep etc. She's had this since she stopped breastfeeding at 3mths old and even gotten to the point where she developed an infants equilivent to haemorroids and tears (yep, there!!) - there's nothing more frightening than changing a nappy and theres blood! :( I can honestly say that 99.9% of the time we have it all under control.... its those odd occasions when she doesnt have her vitamins that she has trouble doing a poo. (A little TMI [too much info] is sure to come guys, be warned!) I hate when shes in pain and having so much trouble, the amount of undies i have to wash as she tries her hardest to hold it in and NOT poo, but does little by little. These are the times when shes having so much trouble that it smells worse than any other "normal" poo. Poo Kailee was in lots of pain and some lady had the nerve to make fun of her (once again at church - different lady tho) and tell her not to come near her. Wow - one way to make mum angry. I told her Kailee has a medical problem and to show a bit more sympathy. Mind u this lady is quite away of Kailee's medical dramas - shes a close family friend and Kailee's creche leader. *sigh*

* The amount of friends i have complaining about money, other friends, ra ra ra. C'mon, look on the bright side guys. *Cameron i'm not talking bout u here dude, complain away :P* Sometimes it's just so draining listening to ppl being so negative when whatever they are complaining about really isnt that bad. I hate complaining TO ppl, since i dont want to sound like a whinger or just a sad sack lol Life goes on, and theres always someone out there much worse off - we need to remeber that. We may need money to live life comfortably - but dont whinge to me about it atm, i'm staying with my parents cuz i cant afford to move into my own plave straight away, i'm flat broke from moving and i am still raising a 4yr old on my own as well as having to buy baby stuff from scratch again. I dont have the wealthy families some ppl have to help out when its needed and in alot of ways i'm glad. I dont want to rely on the to buy me baby stuff or give me money to move. This is my life and i need to take control of it - i'm an adult and capable of pushing through no matter what i come against. At the end of the day, Kailee has clothes on her back, food in her belly and a roof over her head and lots of love around her - who cars if i have a car, go on wonderful holidays, the most delicious expensive food, fancy clothes etc. Then there's those ppl who complain about their partners or husbands - FFS, at least u have one. Whether ALL he does is the dishes and nothing else, its something. If he ONLY puts the kids in the bath but nothing else - its better than nothing at all. I cant stand these ppl saying "I might as well be a single parent".... bloody hell, i dont think they'd cope on their own. GRRR

........ Anyhow off my soapbox for now. I'm sure there's more to complain about but i'll leave it at just that lol I'm exhausted and need a shower and to just relax. Hopefully theres something decent on tv tonite to watch or maybe i'll just read. Or sleep - now that sounds like a plan. Til later this week hopefully, if not sooner. *hugs* to all my wonderful friends. Cameron - chin up champ, it WILL get better, Trust me!! :)

xxxx

It's been a while...

Monday 23.03.09

It's sad to see my other family (Serena and co) leaving again today after a weekend here with us for Kailee's birthday yesterday! It's always wonderful having them here and sad to see them go. Kailee loves playing with the kids and just adores Uncle Shane and Aunty Serena. She even wants to go live with them lol It's great watching her play with the other kids, she'll make a great big sister. Little does she know she already is - she has 2 brothers, aged 2yo and 1yo. Her bio father (aka Sperm Donor lol) has 3 children in all......... only the youngest he bothers to spend time with, since he married the mother of the youngest child. As for Kailee and the 2nd child, he wont even look at them in the street - the downside to living in the same town as him :( When she's older she'll learn of her other 2 brothers, little dones she know, she already has "playdates" with her 1st brother (the 2yo) lol The bonus of being friends with my ex's ex :P

I'm soooooo exhausted and feeling really seedy at the moment. Seems once i got to 8wks the morning sickness got worse! Someone said to me the other day "well its just nausea and not actually morning sickness" um hello - its the same when ur knocked up. Sometimes i think i'd feel a hell of alot better after throwing up than i do atm. For the first couple wks i knew i was pregnant, it was only from about 6am til lunchtime. Now its from the minute i wake up til i finally get to sleep at nite. Makes me wonder if i ever want to do this again - though i know once the morning sickness is gone, i'll prolly enjoy being pregnant more, or at least i hope so lol Makes me realise that my pregnancy with Kailee was alot easier. No stretching pains, cramping, morning sickness etc. No wonder i wanted more kids. I finally get my acupuncture this week, thank heavens! These niggling headaches are driving me mad!!

Anyhow, i best spend time with my friends before they leave me :( i'll post again later i hope xxx

Blah day :(

Wednesday 11.03.09

I feel sick. Maybe its the fish burger i had for lunch, watching James try to eat a HUGE 1kg burger, or just plain old evil morning sickness. I'm not even sure sleep would make me feel any better. I'm exhausted and feel like being sick. The joys of being pregnant i guess. Today i'm 8wks and after looking online my little bean is the size of a raspberry. Starting to wiggle his/her little arms and legs and webbed hands and feet. I can't wait til my next ultrasound on Tuesday to see a little heartbeat nice and strong. I can't ever remember Kailee making me feel this exhausted, this soon. Then again maybe its cuz i'm running around after a 4yo all day.

I can't believe i'm 2/3 of the way through this first trimester, tho the time seems to be dragging. I wish it would go by faster, then again maybe i just need to learn to enjoy it more. I worry too much that something will go wrong, but as a mother i think thats normal. Once the u/s is done i'll be more at ease after seeing the heartbeat and will just sit back and enjoy everything. So not looking forward to having to buy everything from scratch again - all the little things like clothes, nappies, wipes, dummies, blankets etc. Babies need so much. I think i take my wonderful independant (nearly) 4yo for granted, its gonna be a HUGE adjustment when a newborn is in the house lol

Off for a lay down for now...