Sunday 01.03.09
After a rough week last week, things are gradually looking better. James and I aren't fighting anymore thank heavens. We're talking, being nice and honest with each other and understanding of one another. That's all i can really ask for. So many ppl think i'm stupid for wanting him there at appointments, ultrasounds, and the birth but at the end of the day it's what "I" want. We talked about having a baby together, we tried for a baby together (even if his heart wasn't in it in the end) and now we're having a baby. My feelings haven't changed. This is our baby together, and i want him to be there to share in it. I've been single and pregnant before - tho that time i didnt want Jake (Kailee's 'sperm donor') anywhere near me. He was never interested in anything to do with his unborn child - it was all about him. James on the other hand, he confuses me some days, stresses me others, but at the end of the day i know i can rely on him if he tells me he'll be there. Sure things aren't gonna be as easy, remembering that although we're doing this together, we're not together as such. I can't turn my feelings off, i can't stop loving him, but i'm grateful he wants to be involved with this baby. I don't want to do another pregnancy on my own - though if i have to i will. I'd just prefer not to.
Sometimes it's hard hearing other pregnant women talking about how involved and loving their husbands and partners are, i feel like i'm missing out. It's still early days tho, so plenty of time for James to be involved. I guess there's not much he can do atm its just all hormones hormones hormones these days..... with the odd craving for vegetables lol Maybe all this time with James being in NSW has given me time to think. Space we've both needed to clear our heads. I'm looking forward to him getting back and us talking and what not. He wants to be at my next u/s at about 8wks, so i'm happy bout that. It was great having Mum, my sister Sarah and Kailee at the last one (this past Friday, which was 6wks) but it wasn't the same just telling him about the ultrasound, or sending him pictures. I've never had a partner (or ex for that matter) to be excited with about having a baby, so i'm kinda looking forward to sharing this with James - tho we've split up. I really hope things dont change and we can continue to be happy and nice to one another - we're in this together, we've gotta be on the same side.
So the storm clouds are breaking and there's some light behind those clouds. Things aren't looking so depressing - or maybe today is just a good day :D
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Exhausted
Thursday 26.02.09
These past few days have been exhausting, both physically AND emotionally. I wont go into details, but i'm bout at the point where i want to scream! Some people are still being "downers" and saying horrible things. What did i expect tho - not everyone is happy and i'm sure it's only going to get worse once James tells his family i'm pregnant. Not my biggest fans at all. It's crazy tho, i'm that exhausted i can't seem to drag myself out of bed in the mornings and within an hour of waking up i want to go straight back to sleep. Tho at nitetimes i can't seem to sleep. Somehow i need to get my body clock back into some kinda routine.
I'm off to visit the folks for a couple days tomorrow which will be nice. I need to pay for my train ticket to go to Brisbane next week and spend time with my other family - the Evans' family! Then i have Sarah's baby shower and home again. So much running around i have to do tomorrow tho, centrelink (and hand in a form they already have - stupid ppl), post a bday gift to the U.S. and hopefully sleep. I could do with a whole year of it lol
I have good and bad days - sometimes the stress of everything just seems to get to me and i want to scream. I had a meltdown the other nite cuz i couldn't take it anymore. I dont know what to do, or what the heck i'm fighting for anymore. I'm alone now and i dont see that changing anytime in the next 8mths, regardless of how many times i tell James i want him involved in this pregnancy and OUR baby. So i figure i can't make him, so i'm going to step back and when he's ready to be involved he'll take that step. If he doesn't, then i'm sure i can pull through.
Time to get this body clock back into shape...... it's midnite and i need to sleep!! Sooo excited, my first u/s (ultrasound) is tomorrow (Friday), not getting my hopes up too much as we might not see anything, but fingers crossed we might spot a heartbeat. I'm sure i'll update here as soon as i have time after the scan - thank heavens this past week just flew by and i didn't have to wait long :)
These past few days have been exhausting, both physically AND emotionally. I wont go into details, but i'm bout at the point where i want to scream! Some people are still being "downers" and saying horrible things. What did i expect tho - not everyone is happy and i'm sure it's only going to get worse once James tells his family i'm pregnant. Not my biggest fans at all. It's crazy tho, i'm that exhausted i can't seem to drag myself out of bed in the mornings and within an hour of waking up i want to go straight back to sleep. Tho at nitetimes i can't seem to sleep. Somehow i need to get my body clock back into some kinda routine.
I'm off to visit the folks for a couple days tomorrow which will be nice. I need to pay for my train ticket to go to Brisbane next week and spend time with my other family - the Evans' family! Then i have Sarah's baby shower and home again. So much running around i have to do tomorrow tho, centrelink (and hand in a form they already have - stupid ppl), post a bday gift to the U.S. and hopefully sleep. I could do with a whole year of it lol
I have good and bad days - sometimes the stress of everything just seems to get to me and i want to scream. I had a meltdown the other nite cuz i couldn't take it anymore. I dont know what to do, or what the heck i'm fighting for anymore. I'm alone now and i dont see that changing anytime in the next 8mths, regardless of how many times i tell James i want him involved in this pregnancy and OUR baby. So i figure i can't make him, so i'm going to step back and when he's ready to be involved he'll take that step. If he doesn't, then i'm sure i can pull through.
Time to get this body clock back into shape...... it's midnite and i need to sleep!! Sooo excited, my first u/s (ultrasound) is tomorrow (Friday), not getting my hopes up too much as we might not see anything, but fingers crossed we might spot a heartbeat. I'm sure i'll update here as soon as i have time after the scan - thank heavens this past week just flew by and i didn't have to wait long :)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Army Wives
Friday 20.02.09
Thanks to my wonderful friend Serena, i'm officially hooked on this show after only watching ONE episode!! It's not usually my type of show either. I'm into the crime shows like CSI and Law & Order. I don't think i've ever even sat through more than one episode of Greys Anatomy lol But i dont see this show in the same category as all these other shows. It's not tacky, it's full of emotion, drama and suspense. Now, seriously... i need to get a life lol Like my mother has always told me, it's just a tv show!! Now i dont know what real Army Wives' families are like, but if it's anything like this, damn i feel for them!!
Maybe i'm a sucker for reality tv and anything that portrays something close to the real thing is a winner for me. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes each episode it just like life - full of ups and downs and not knowing where ur headed. If only life gave us an instruction manual! If only my wireless wasn't so slow, i could've watched all of the episodes by now rather than only watching one a day if that. What am i gonna do with myself when there's no more episodes to watch, i'm gonna go insane!!
So, for while it lasts, i'm gonna indulge in my latest addiction... and rejoice in the fact it wont make me add any weight around those areas i have more than enough already lol God surely knows i got plenty of that "excess-ness" happening between now and October :P
Thanks to my wonderful friend Serena, i'm officially hooked on this show after only watching ONE episode!! It's not usually my type of show either. I'm into the crime shows like CSI and Law & Order. I don't think i've ever even sat through more than one episode of Greys Anatomy lol But i dont see this show in the same category as all these other shows. It's not tacky, it's full of emotion, drama and suspense. Now, seriously... i need to get a life lol Like my mother has always told me, it's just a tv show!! Now i dont know what real Army Wives' families are like, but if it's anything like this, damn i feel for them!!
Maybe i'm a sucker for reality tv and anything that portrays something close to the real thing is a winner for me. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes each episode it just like life - full of ups and downs and not knowing where ur headed. If only life gave us an instruction manual! If only my wireless wasn't so slow, i could've watched all of the episodes by now rather than only watching one a day if that. What am i gonna do with myself when there's no more episodes to watch, i'm gonna go insane!!
So, for while it lasts, i'm gonna indulge in my latest addiction... and rejoice in the fact it wont make me add any weight around those areas i have more than enough already lol God surely knows i got plenty of that "excess-ness" happening between now and October :P
Mixed Emotions
Thursday 19.02.09
I don't know how i ever got through the first trimester of my pregnancy with Kailee without worrying so much. Maybe i didn't know as much i do these days - but I'm going insane. I'm trying to be excited, I'm bringing a new life into the world in 8mths. It's so hard tho, when James is so down and depressed about this all. Sure, i understand this isn't what he expected but it's happened and now we need to accept it and go from here. Every time i talk to him i get the feeling he resents me, like i did this behind his back or something. We were both equal parties in this, both discussing having a baby, etc. Little did i know he wasn't serious like i may have been. At the end of the day tho, I'm pregnant now and we're having a baby. Surely there's something in there to be happy about - i just wish James could find it. It's hard for me to be happy when i feel like I'm ruining his life :(
My morning sickness has eased, i can stomach some foods - tho not everything right now. The heartburn has gone, thanks to my wonderful 3.5yo daughter Kailee praying for me, i can honestly say i was instantly healed. It's amazing the faith our children have and the miracles they can perform! I'm so glad we've taught her to pray and believe in God. Now the only thing that hasn't been easing, is the stretching pains.... funny how i didn't notice them with my first pregnancy, but they are constant now with my 2nd. The pains aren't too extreme so nothing I'm worrying about - tho I'm eager to have my first ultrasound (u/s) to see that the baby is where s/he is supposed to be and confirm my due date. Maybe even see a heartbeat as well. I'm impatient and wish i could go now lol Maybe at tomorrow's Dr appt i will see about going in the following week and getting an u/s referral. I just hope the next week flys by so i can see my little "blob" on the screen.
After having a really crappy, down nite last nite, i took my last FRER (First Response Early Result) pregnancy test and felt a whole lot better after seeing the line. Considering a week ago the test line was faint - but definitely there. Now looking at a test there really only is a test line - its stealing all the dye from the control line. So that's definitely a good sign my HSG (pregnancy hormone) levels are increasing as they probably should. It's amazing, there's so much to stress about, over analyze and worry over when it comes to being pregnant. And time just drags on..... How am i going to get through another 6.5wks of this?? Someone keep me occupied. Please?!?
So as my leaving gift to u all (for putting up with reading all my depressing, random bloggings) here's my last pregnancy test. Hopefully i wont subject you to anymore lol Maybe :P
I don't know how i ever got through the first trimester of my pregnancy with Kailee without worrying so much. Maybe i didn't know as much i do these days - but I'm going insane. I'm trying to be excited, I'm bringing a new life into the world in 8mths. It's so hard tho, when James is so down and depressed about this all. Sure, i understand this isn't what he expected but it's happened and now we need to accept it and go from here. Every time i talk to him i get the feeling he resents me, like i did this behind his back or something. We were both equal parties in this, both discussing having a baby, etc. Little did i know he wasn't serious like i may have been. At the end of the day tho, I'm pregnant now and we're having a baby. Surely there's something in there to be happy about - i just wish James could find it. It's hard for me to be happy when i feel like I'm ruining his life :(
My morning sickness has eased, i can stomach some foods - tho not everything right now. The heartburn has gone, thanks to my wonderful 3.5yo daughter Kailee praying for me, i can honestly say i was instantly healed. It's amazing the faith our children have and the miracles they can perform! I'm so glad we've taught her to pray and believe in God. Now the only thing that hasn't been easing, is the stretching pains.... funny how i didn't notice them with my first pregnancy, but they are constant now with my 2nd. The pains aren't too extreme so nothing I'm worrying about - tho I'm eager to have my first ultrasound (u/s) to see that the baby is where s/he is supposed to be and confirm my due date. Maybe even see a heartbeat as well. I'm impatient and wish i could go now lol Maybe at tomorrow's Dr appt i will see about going in the following week and getting an u/s referral. I just hope the next week flys by so i can see my little "blob" on the screen.
After having a really crappy, down nite last nite, i took my last FRER (First Response Early Result) pregnancy test and felt a whole lot better after seeing the line. Considering a week ago the test line was faint - but definitely there. Now looking at a test there really only is a test line - its stealing all the dye from the control line. So that's definitely a good sign my HSG (pregnancy hormone) levels are increasing as they probably should. It's amazing, there's so much to stress about, over analyze and worry over when it comes to being pregnant. And time just drags on..... How am i going to get through another 6.5wks of this?? Someone keep me occupied. Please?!?
So as my leaving gift to u all (for putting up with reading all my depressing, random bloggings) here's my last pregnancy test. Hopefully i wont subject you to anymore lol Maybe :P
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
POAS obsession
Wednesday 18.02.09
Well as the title states - there is such a thing as POAS obsession... and for those wondering what POAS means, it stands for "Pee On A Stick" - in otherwords the taking of a home pregnancy test (HPT). For all those mums out there, you'll know exactly what i mean! You may have taken one or two, or four maybe but some of us aren't nearly as controlled. I won't begin to admit the amount of HPT's i have taken since last week when finding out i was pregnant but i can assure you its prolly nowhere near as many as some women i've seen or spoken to online. Generally the pattern fits for those whom are TTC (Trying To Conceive) n are sure to obsess over anything n everything, including peeing on a stick lol
So wat better than to make some fancy graphic outta my bean #2's pee sticks (just for u again Nate - all in preparation for when u someday have kids). So after some fiddling around with PSP (Paint Shop Pro), this is what i finished with...
N.B. Have u ever noticed how many abbreviations i use when referring to TTC , HPTs, POAS, etc. Slack much?
Well as the title states - there is such a thing as POAS obsession... and for those wondering what POAS means, it stands for "Pee On A Stick" - in otherwords the taking of a home pregnancy test (HPT). For all those mums out there, you'll know exactly what i mean! You may have taken one or two, or four maybe but some of us aren't nearly as controlled. I won't begin to admit the amount of HPT's i have taken since last week when finding out i was pregnant but i can assure you its prolly nowhere near as many as some women i've seen or spoken to online. Generally the pattern fits for those whom are TTC (Trying To Conceive) n are sure to obsess over anything n everything, including peeing on a stick lol
So wat better than to make some fancy graphic outta my bean #2's pee sticks (just for u again Nate - all in preparation for when u someday have kids). So after some fiddling around with PSP (Paint Shop Pro), this is what i finished with...
N.B. Have u ever noticed how many abbreviations i use when referring to TTC , HPTs, POAS, etc. Slack much?
Morning Sickness Sucks!
Wednesday 18.02.09
Well what can i say, morning sickness sucks! I dont think it should really be called morning sickness either.... something more along the lines of "all day nausea" or "gag at the thought of ur once favourite foods". How awful, feeling like u've just had a HUGE nite on the grog (alcohol), and want to throw up.... only to not be able to. I feel hungry and know i need to eat, tho i cant bear the thought of eating anything at all. Once again (like i did when pregnant with Kailee) i can't stand the thought of eating red meat, and much to my sadness i'm going off dairy already. Im not a HUGE dairy fan but sometimes i just love a nice cold Iced Coffee and i cant even bare to drink half a bottle of that now. What is this bean of a baby doing to me lol
I'm getting better at being able to sleep now... i'm not up til 3 or 4am anymore (tho it is after 1am now as i type this) but am completely exhausted by about 4pm. Last nite i crashed in bed at about 6pm only to wake at 8.30 and find Kailee asleep on her bedroom floor with her blanket n pillow watching a movie. Poor thing didnt wake me wanting dinner - i felt awful! I guess i didnt quite expect to be single and pregnant again, so it's something i'm gonna have to work a routine around lol Kailee's been awesome tho, she understands i'm not feeling well and has been really well behaved. She's definitely going to make an awesome big sister!!
Now hopefully this morning sickness doesn't stick around for long - poor mum has it again (in sympathy for me i guess, like she did when i was pregnant with Kailee) but not as bad this time around. With Kailee i didnt get it at all. I think i'd prefer to throw up and feel a little better. Or at least find something that settles my stomach - these ginger biscuits aren't doing a thing :(
Oh well, for now sleep is the only cure and i think it sounds damn good right about now. So til tomorrow or later this week :D
Well what can i say, morning sickness sucks! I dont think it should really be called morning sickness either.... something more along the lines of "all day nausea" or "gag at the thought of ur once favourite foods". How awful, feeling like u've just had a HUGE nite on the grog (alcohol), and want to throw up.... only to not be able to. I feel hungry and know i need to eat, tho i cant bear the thought of eating anything at all. Once again (like i did when pregnant with Kailee) i can't stand the thought of eating red meat, and much to my sadness i'm going off dairy already. Im not a HUGE dairy fan but sometimes i just love a nice cold Iced Coffee and i cant even bare to drink half a bottle of that now. What is this bean of a baby doing to me lol
I'm getting better at being able to sleep now... i'm not up til 3 or 4am anymore (tho it is after 1am now as i type this) but am completely exhausted by about 4pm. Last nite i crashed in bed at about 6pm only to wake at 8.30 and find Kailee asleep on her bedroom floor with her blanket n pillow watching a movie. Poor thing didnt wake me wanting dinner - i felt awful! I guess i didnt quite expect to be single and pregnant again, so it's something i'm gonna have to work a routine around lol Kailee's been awesome tho, she understands i'm not feeling well and has been really well behaved. She's definitely going to make an awesome big sister!!
Now hopefully this morning sickness doesn't stick around for long - poor mum has it again (in sympathy for me i guess, like she did when i was pregnant with Kailee) but not as bad this time around. With Kailee i didnt get it at all. I think i'd prefer to throw up and feel a little better. Or at least find something that settles my stomach - these ginger biscuits aren't doing a thing :(
Oh well, for now sleep is the only cure and i think it sounds damn good right about now. So til tomorrow or later this week :D
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
*Shocked*
Thursday 12.02.09
Well, yesterday was a bit of a shocker. Since James leaving, i've been trying to convince myself that there is no chance we caught the egg this month (conceived) and that my period would show soon, she's just running late. Finally tho i caved and tested, within not even 30 seconds the positive line started showing up. I was shocked!! I told my sister, who told my mum, who then come out and picked me up so i could go to the dr for a blood test to confirm i am in fact knocked up! So, those test results come back tomorrow and i'll find out for sure then, tho there's no disputing it as i've bought another test and taken it yesterday afternoon. So surely, if u get a BFP (big fat positive) in the middle of the arvo, ur preg - no denying it. My friends and family are shocked but so supportive which is fantastic. James on the other hand is shocked and well.... not so supportive at this point. I think he just wants space to process it all, but i guess he should expected it, since we WERE actively trying for a baby. Crappy timing tho, this bean was conceived around the time James told me he wanted to move out - only 3 days before breaking up with me. Talk about a damn mess lol
So, i'm thinking positive. God has a plan in here somewhere and this little bean is nothing short of a miracle from above. I've been a single pregnant mum to be before, and i'll do it again - might be a tad harder with a 4yo in tow tho lol Hopefully James comes around and is alot more supportive.... i'd like for him to be involved with his baby, but if he chooses otherwise, i'll accept that and do the best i can either way! So i've now added my pregnancy ticker to my blog, for everyone to see what my little bean is up to atm.... nothing exciting as yet, just growing some limbs. :P
Here are my wonderful pee sticks i have been torturing Nateo with (Gotta love a fresh pee stick Nate!)
So it's pretty much official, i'm pregnant guys. Due October 19th (roughly). I'll update about the drs appointment tomorrow!! xxx
Well, yesterday was a bit of a shocker. Since James leaving, i've been trying to convince myself that there is no chance we caught the egg this month (conceived) and that my period would show soon, she's just running late. Finally tho i caved and tested, within not even 30 seconds the positive line started showing up. I was shocked!! I told my sister, who told my mum, who then come out and picked me up so i could go to the dr for a blood test to confirm i am in fact knocked up! So, those test results come back tomorrow and i'll find out for sure then, tho there's no disputing it as i've bought another test and taken it yesterday afternoon. So surely, if u get a BFP (big fat positive) in the middle of the arvo, ur preg - no denying it. My friends and family are shocked but so supportive which is fantastic. James on the other hand is shocked and well.... not so supportive at this point. I think he just wants space to process it all, but i guess he should expected it, since we WERE actively trying for a baby. Crappy timing tho, this bean was conceived around the time James told me he wanted to move out - only 3 days before breaking up with me. Talk about a damn mess lol
So, i'm thinking positive. God has a plan in here somewhere and this little bean is nothing short of a miracle from above. I've been a single pregnant mum to be before, and i'll do it again - might be a tad harder with a 4yo in tow tho lol Hopefully James comes around and is alot more supportive.... i'd like for him to be involved with his baby, but if he chooses otherwise, i'll accept that and do the best i can either way! So i've now added my pregnancy ticker to my blog, for everyone to see what my little bean is up to atm.... nothing exciting as yet, just growing some limbs. :P
Here are my wonderful pee sticks i have been torturing Nateo with (Gotta love a fresh pee stick Nate!)
So it's pretty much official, i'm pregnant guys. Due October 19th (roughly). I'll update about the drs appointment tomorrow!! xxx
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