Sunday 17.05.09
Of all places, you'd think church would be somewhere that you can go and be freely accepted for who u are - regardless of what ur past involves etc. The bible talks about forgiveness if u repent from ur wicked ways and loving one another. But in this day and age, i hate to say it but there's nothing further from the truth when u actually are in church and ur "wrong-doings" are on display for everyone to see. Lemme give u some background....
I was 19yo, a children's church and youth group leader at church (thats right ppl, i was IN leadership) and got into a relationship with Jake (Kailee's biological father - aka 'Sperm Donor') n after only 2mths with him, i found out i was pregnant. I had to confront the Pastors as well as the other leaders i was working alongside and admit to them that i had indeed had sex before i was married and was pregnant and was stepping down from all my leadership roles. Fair enuff - i screwed up and made the effort to better my life n do the right thing for my unborn child. I won't pretend that i had it easy when ppl at church found out i was pregnant.... the dirty looks i got from certain ppl was ridiculous - but i brushed that all aside. THIS TIME: I was on the worship team at church - which i had worked towards for a while as Kailee was growing up, and then i met James.... once again i started getting "judged" for things i wasn't doing (i.e. getting judged for James living with me, when in fact he didnt). I was called a $lut n verbally attacked by a 'friend' from church. James and I both made the decision to leave the church as we didnt want to be part of a 'family' that is quick to jump to assumptions and attack someone else. We later moved in together and started trying for a baby of our own.... in no way was i pretending to be a moral christian as i no longer attended church. Plain and simple, i was a sinner! Then again aren't we all?? lol I just wasn't playing "christian" on a Sunday and then sinning on the Monday.
We all know what happened next - James left me and i found out that i was already pregnant when he broke off our 1.5yr relationship. I had forgiven the friend that had attacked me for apparently 'living' with James (when we weren't) and things were okay with her and I. I made the choice to do something postive for myself and Kailee and get my life back on track and start going back to church - thinking i would find support and friendship there.... i mean, this
IS the church i have been going to for nearly 10yrs!! Long story short.... i've already mentioned the comment made by one person about "are you sure its James' baby".... now more recently, (in the last month or so) i have been told that in some way i may be encouraging other ppl to sin and go out and have sex before marriage, since ppl see that i'm happy about having a baby. C'mon!! I didn't say i was happy about the circumstances it happened in - ideally, i would have preferred to be married. I was asked how if i had grown up in church and knowing right from wrong, how i got myself into this situation of having another baby out of marriage, etc. The thing that puzzles me - is the person who asked is married and has never had a child outside marriage *sigh*. Surely they aren't going to grasp what life is like in a situation they have NEVER been in.
So after being made to feel like i'm some awful evil person - i was able to come back with some quick intelligent responses to these comments and questions. For instance - everyone in that church sins - whether they repent of it and are forgiven or are continuing to sin.... for me, my sin is on display for everyone to see for 9mths. Once bub is born ppl surely can say "well she sinned but that's in the past" - but regardless of the fact that i haven't been with anyone since James it doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is that i'm pregnant and i'm not married - who cares this is a result of a sin i commited FOUR MONTHS AGO! *sigh*
At the end of the day - it's only small minded ppl that feel they have a right to judge ppl. I'll continue to hold my head up high knowing that while i did the wrong thing, i'm now living with it and making the most of the situation i'm in. It's been and done - time moves on and so should ppl. It's unfortunate that some ppl can't seem to move on from MY sin - what does the bible say? Pull the log outta ur own eye before pulling the speck outta someone else's. Maybe these ppl need to re-read some scripture! All that should matter is what i do with my life NOW and not what i did in the past. Move on ppl - we're over it! *groan*
